[Garf]

If it's not diving, or gadget, related, I can't be bothered with shopping. In fact, I despise it with a passion you wouldn't believe.

Today, my wife is after a new dress, and some body lotion. Let's start with the lotion. This will no doubt be the latest fad from television, crammed full of concentrated "madeupsicum nonsensicum". It will no doubt cost an unbeilevable amount of cash, and have to be distributed by women who appear to have applied their own make up in an attempt to give themselves a sure thing at becoming an extra as an oompa loompa in Charlie and chocolate factory. There's another thing. Why? You want to sell women phenomenally expensive chemicals to enhance their self-esteem and appearance by enhacing their natural beauty without being overt or unsubtle, so you sell it to them wearing make up that is two inches thick and bright orange. Perhaps it's a throwback to some genetic memory and the clietele are supposed to be attracted to the most dazzling colours. Or perhaps its a time saving event in the morning, they just apply their makeup on monday and let is wear down all week. This stuff is allegedly referred to as "foundation". Perhaps as foundation they are subject to national house building council regulations and it must be 12 inches thick at all times. Back to the body lotion, crammed full of "boloxium notrealium" or whatever collection of syllables the advertising executives have thrown in a hat and come up with this week. Last week I saw an advert that announced the product was packed full of hydro-oxiginating vapours", in other words, it's got water in it. Latesly, I've seen adverts for "boswelox". That one has me in fits of laughter every time I see it. Total and utter boswelox, more like. The marketing people, or "stand candy" as they are known on the corporate show circuit, must be laughing their boswelox-enhanced, bright orange, hydro-oxygenated faces off, and wondering what boswelox they can get women to fall for this week. And fall for it they do. My wife is far more sensibe, level-headed, and frankly intelligent than me. Yet when these adverts appear, a mist comes down over her head, her mind is wiped, and she must have the latest body oil, facial scrub, or almost invisible makeup. Almost invisible, for the love of christ. I'm going to get hold of some empty make up bottles and sell it as "totally invisible foundation". These poor women then go in their droves to see the orange women, and pay, and this beggered belief. £24 for a 2g bottle of what is basically no more technologcially advanced than the same stuff my old granny used to use to melt the warts on her legs. "Makes you feel ten years younger". Well, I dunno about her, but it makes me feel ten years younger watching her buy it. I remember how poor we were ten years ago, and yup, a few of these bottles would make us feel exactly like that. Then there's the time it takes. All of these products are "subtle" and react "in harmony with your body". So WTF is the point of spraying 52 of them on your wrist and then smelling it, because the only smell that remains is one of something that is best described as "eau du tart". Also, putting it directly under my nose and asking me if i can tell the difference between this one and number 17 is a complete waste of time. 15 minutes ago, number 28 burned out the insides of ny nasal cavaties, started my nose bleeding, and left me staggering around the shop, trying to gouge my own eyes out to achieve relief from the pain. since then, it's all been a bit pointless asking me for assistance. Number 32 made my ears pop, my hands have been shaking uncontrollably since number 36, and I think I felt my bladder go somewhere in the early 40's. I've been crying since number 44, and between 45 and 50 I definitely experienced an alternate state of mind. And now you want to know if I can tell the difference? When the day began yesterday I woke up to the smell of the coffee machine and bradmaker preparing my early morning feast. Today I woke up screaming. Today we are going shopping again. This time, and I am crying even as I type these words, my wife spoke the words designed to install the fear of god into any man. the words that should be banned. Today we are just going to look for "nice things for the house". This means we are going into every shop that takes her fancy, with no plan or agenda in mind, to randomly pick things up, turn them around, and them put them back on the shelf. Every now and again comments such as "maybe not for us, but it would make a nice present for..." will be uttered, and I have to give the traditional repsonse "We can always come back nearer the time" to avoid the 15 minutes of umming and ahhing that will no doubt accompany each and every purchase. This will take all day.

JAG got to go diving this weekend, and I didn't . harrumph.