Di fresh from her ascension to Cave Goddess status and upset that Le Dud Plongee had been called off….again, decided to compound that agony by diving with the 'deep air diving inverted uber stroke' at Stoney yesterday, rumour had it that she was to be experimenting with the new She valve
so a fun day was guaranteed.
We met at 9.30 and the weather had turned from warm sunshine in Derbyshire to cold damp and miserable at Stoney so I looked pretty stupid[er] in my shorts.
Hello’s were said banter caught up on, kit fettled, homage to her new status paid, and respect given to her new dive truck [which is the size of a small Norfolk village] I was well impressed until I noticed that she had to use a milk crate to stand on to gain entry the boot
In typical GUSAC fashion I had forgotten both my bottom timer and Quantum, luckily Di is a kit tart and lent me one of hers. I was relieved as I couldn’t stand another one of HP the 4th's threads about 'are we taking this seriously enough' if I got bent
I decided to experiment with some new adult nappies as we normally plan our dives around our old persons bladders and Di’s She valve gave her an unfair advantage……on paper.
After changing into our gear Di remarked that the She valve felt funny, I said she had obviously got it on the wrong way round
This set the tone for the rest of the day.
Into th’water and clearing my ears before submerging caused a very loud squeak from one of my ears, I asked Di if she could hear it and she replied in her cruel Norfolk plantation owner voice that 'it was just in your head stupid'
After a cold 9 mins Di thumbed the dive, unfortunately I suffered a reverse block, so we waited at the surface and I was in some discomfort from vertigo while waiting for it to clear as it normally does. After 15mins it hadn’t so I suggested descending again to try and clear it carefully.
I descended fining backwards, this was dual purpose, one to show Di how effortlessly strokes can back-fin in force fins and the other was my thinking that my ear wouldn’t see it coming and clear easily
eventually it did and we got on with the dive.
When we got to the Stanegarth the GUSAC signal for commence pee was given and both parties went while holding onto the gunnel's with both hands
It seemed ok and we carried on with the dive, which went without incident or embarrassment, after 63 mins we surfaced and Di said she thought she may be swimming in her own urine, I just felt like I had a Dud style hernia
When I bent over to help with her fins the dam burst….literally and I became aware of cold pee visiting parts that cold pee shouldn't reach, but being manful I kept quiet.
After we dekitted Di was unsure if the She valve had worked and so unscrewed the valve….it shot off and a loud gurgling sound was heard as far away as Birmingham, accompanied by Di doing a Meg Ryan restaurant organism impression, I doubled over in fits of laughter and managed to squeeze more urine into my undersuit
Off to the changing rooms to inspect the damage, I looked as if the 'golden showers fan club' had held a surprise bladder emptying party over me, this turned out to be because in a rush to put it on before anyone saw me I’d put it on back to front and my horizontal trim hadn't helped matters
but Di was dry and also had a glimmer of the simple pleasure that was hitherto a male domain of aiming while you pee.
As we dekitted in the car park it was then I noticed the hole she had cut in her fabled arctics for the valve tube…..I’ve seen pictures of this before and they all look quite neat and tidy…Di’s looked like she had taken a run up at it while blindfolded and hacked at it with a samurai sword.
All in all a great day with a great mate with some great banter as always.
Don’t worry anyone seeing me today at Wraysbury in my arctics as I have washed and tumble dried them.
Sorry there are no pictures.....this is to protect both the innocent and guilty
Safe diving,
Steve