Everything you always wanted to know about Pee-valves but were too afraid to ask...

[Mark Chase]

Pee valves Everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask..

OK so my new 03 dry suit came with a Pee valve. I decided to have a go with it and here are the results.

WARNING. You may piss your self laughing

OK so you’re forced to actually phone 03 and ask about ordering pee valve catheters because the bastards like a laugh and wont let you do it anonymously over the internet  .When you get through they say “Oh yes we do do those we will put you through to the person who deals with that. And of course it’s a woman

Soooooooo into full embarrassment mode when they ask the inevitable question “what size would you like?” Now the obvious thing to do is lie but be warned ordering the wrong size can be very embarrassing in the damp underwear department. So do what I did.

Ill have a strip of 5 extra large for me please. That’s MARK CHASE 8 Hockers Close etc etc.

OH and Ill take 30 standard size ones for my dive buddy Andrew who is too shy to ask

At £2.50 each you might think this is a waste but its not. All you have to do is open the extra large pack and throw away the catheter. Then insert the standard size one and slip it in your dive bag. The other four Extra Large catheters can be accidentally left around the dive boat with you name on them written in block capitals in indelible ink

FIRST ATTEMPT

The plan was 3 hours out to the dive site so I decided not to put it on at home. In the end I was putting it on on a rocking and rolling boat and trying to hide my embarrassment form the other 10 divers. I can only describe putting it on as trying to push a marsh mellow through a key hole. You have to try and push all the saggy floppy bits in. At first I felt I had underestimated my self and that the thing was too small but alas this was to prove hopeful later

Top tip. Role back the condom like catheter as far as you can before putting it on. This minimises the piss balloon effect.

Once on the thing is dammed uncomfortable. The end of the catheter has a tube for fitting in the detachable end of the pee valve hose. This is not easy to fit and I am sorry to say some spit is needed to ease the job. Warning: underpants is not an option however boxer shorts have proven to be a good way to minimise embarrassment during fitting and work ok with the piss hose.

Once on you need a leap of faith to piss through it. It just feels sooooo wrong. However it’s great to be able to put the dry suit on and zip it up in the knowledge that you can have a piss if the need arises.

It’s very important to get the hole in the under suit in the right place. I tried it with the forth element under suit base layer and it was not very comfortable. Forth element will send out free of charge a reinforcing patch to allow you to cut the hole without ruining the base layer (top marks 4E) but I found the tight fitting base layer uncomfortable with the way the hose laid. My (more baggy in that area) Thinsulate was a lot better.

My first go in anger was on deco. I made the fundamental mistake of opening the valve too early. Cold sea water rushes in and fills up the end of the catheter which stops you wanting to pee and shrinks the little man to the size of a cocktail sausage (in my case) pushing the adhesive quality of the catheter to the max.

However my first attempt was a partial success. I was convinced I had wet my self but back on the boat my concern was abated in that I was dry but I found I had a large piss filled balloon attached to the end of mini Mark which was unsavoury to say the least.

Releasing the valve and loads of shaking later all was well but I think the others on the boat thought I was having a wank over the back. I reckon those with pee valves understood

Ok so next big thing was taking it off. This is almost as much fun as sticking pins in your eyes. The catheter removes the top layer of skin form your dick and any stray pubes that were stupid enough to be in the general vicinity during assembly. Your pride and joy that once you felt impossible to fit in such a small catheter is now looking dwarfed by the latex rubber tube and I for one was amazed it didn’t fall off.

My next few attempts were better. A little trimming with the razor prevented the agony of the Epilady effect of removal and I learned to start peeing a couple of seconds before I opened the valve. Peeing was done very slowly in short controlled bursts. Unfortunately I got over confident with the valves and decided that a full on pee would be fine. WRONG. The force caused a leak in the side of the catheter and a decidedly wet pair of boxer shorts 

Final tip. Carry a spare hose end as it’s very easy to accidentally throw this away when throwing away the catheter.

Oh yes and always remember to connect the hose end to the pee valve before the dive

Soooooooooo what do I think

All in all they work but they are not so good if your dick goes form a standard to a embarrass a 5 year old size during the course of the dive. I couldn’t possibly fit little Mark into a smaller size on the boat but by the end of the dive I could drop to a small no problem. As a result I don’t feel entirely confident with them. Prior to this I used nappies and as strange as it may sound I think I will continue to use the pee valve but also where a nappy in case the thing failed. This will generally avoid the cold crotch nappy effect on long dives but will also save from the need to sterilize the dry suit following a pee valve failure.

Remember if its important…. Take two.

ATB

Mark Chase

[Gizmo]

PMSL - Literally -

Top report Mark, top report. You are right it really is everything I need to know and then some........

[JAG]

Absolutely PMSL!! I'm aching. Very funny indeed

[Darren A]

Yup. Got an O three suit with a pee thingy. Used it a few times. My top tip is put it on well in advance. Last time I used it, I had to put it on in the the drivers seat of my car in the car park in Selsey just before getting on Dive Eclipse! Got some very odd looks from the doggy walkers whilst trying to go from 'freezing your nuts off cold' size to 'standard' size.

Have fun

Daza

PS Remember to disconnect before pulling drysuit down. I didn't once at Stoney - the combination of my manhood/undersuit looked like a blackbird trying to pull a worm out of it's hole! (you'll know what I mean if you've done it!!)

[daz]

Originally Posted by Mark Chase

OK so you’re forced to actually phone 03 and ask about ordering pee valve catheters because the bastards like a laugh and wont let you do it anonymously over the internet.When you get through they say “Oh yes we do do those we will put you through to the person who deals with that. And of course it’s a woman

Jade Euromed, still have to phone but they are cheaper and as far as they are concerned you have no control over your bladder so size is only one area to be embarressed about.

Also highly recommend getting the wideband ones. Very, very secure although this does have an effect on removal!

Ill have a strip of 5 extra large for me please. That’s MARK CHASE 8 Hockers Close etc etc.

OH and Ill take 30 standard size ones for my dive buddy Andrew who is too shy to ask

Look the waters cold, just accept that the little chap is not going to be at his best.

At £2.50 each you might think this is a waste but its not. All you have to do is open the extra large pack and throw away the catheter. Then insert the standard size one and slip it in your dive bag. The other four Extra Large catheters can be accidentally left around the dive boat with you name on them written in block capitals in indelible ink

And for double effect, get at least one small catheter, write your buddies name on the packet and leave that lying around

The plan was 3 hours out to the dive site so I decided not to put it on at home. In the end I was putting it on on a rocking and rolling boat and trying to hide my embarrassment form the other 10 divers. I can only describe putting it on as trying to push a marsh mellow through a key hole. You have to try and push all the saggy floppy bits in. At first I felt I had underestimated my self and that the thing was too small but alas this was to prove hopeful later

First thing in the morning before leaving the house The advantage of the quick disconnect is minimum firkling down the front of your drysuit before the dive.

Connect the removable part of the quick disconnect to catheter, pop catheter on the old chap in the morning and then when you put drysuit on later just connect and go

My first go in anger was on deco. I made the fundamental mistake of opening the valve too early. Cold sea water rushes in and fills up the end of the catheter which stops you wanting to pee and shrinks the little man to the size of a cocktail sausage (in my case) pushing the adhesive quality of the catheter to the max.

Strange I always undo the valve and then go... I've found that if something has come amiss as it were then a rush of cold water will indeed make contact with an area you would rather it hadn't.

However if everything is airtight so to speak then the cold water can only go in so far and the air in the pipe stops it getting too far if that makes sense, kind of an airlock

So I use it as an early warning system that all is well

However my first attempt was a partial success. I was convinced I had wet my self but back on the boat my concern was abated in that I was dry but I found I had a large piss filled balloon attached to the end of mini Mark which was unsavoury to say the least.

Oops the dreaded kink, routing is everything.

Releasing the valve and loads of shaking later all was well but I think the others on the boat thought I was having a wank over the back. I reckon those with pee valves understood

Great excuse I'll have to remember that one

Ok so next big thing was taking it off. This is almost as much fun as sticking pins in your eyes. The catheter removes the top layer of skin form your dick and any stray pubes that were stupid enough to be in the general vicinity during assembly. Your pride and joy that once you felt impossible to fit in such a small catheter is now looking dwarfed by the latex rubber tube and I for one was amazed it didn’t fall off.

Right number one tip above all else... It's not like taking a plaster off, ie. ripping it off quickly will not make it less painful

Slow and careful, I only wimper a bit, but have not had to resort to soaking in the bath as some report.

So far, so good, no disasters. Although one dive where it had come a bit amiss (When I was trying out different sizes! - oops got that one wrong) but my early warning system let me know

Daz

P.S Don't jump in the water with the valve partly unscrewed when you are not connected... Your drysuit slowly filling with cold water is not fun

[Mr. D]

Big up on the info... always wanted to know how the hell the things stayed on when shrinkage was in effect.

Always thought you pee valvers were super men that suffered little/no turtle'ing.

[littleH]

Originally Posted by Mark Chase

Soooooooo into full embarrassment mode when they ask the inevitable question “what size would you like?” Now the obvious thing to do is lie but be warned ordering the wrong size can be very embarrassing in the damp underwear department. So do what I did.

Ill have a strip of 5 extra large for me please. That’s MARK CHASE 8 Hockers Close etc etc.

OH and Ill take 30 standard size ones for my dive buddy Andrew who is too shy to ask

And you know she's going 'yeah righ whatever, like i haven't heard that before why can't men just admit it?'

Top report tho Mark, lol, just be glad you men can go to the loo whilst diving, us poor women have to cross our legs till we're back on the boat (or dry land!!)

[dave archer]

Originally Posted by littleH

just be glad you men can go to the loo whilst diving, us poor women have to cross our legs till we're back on the boat (or dry land!!)

Some of you wear nappies I hear...

[divingniknaks]

P valve Catheters , ring Mrs Knackers she loves to talk dirty to strange men

I'm gonna be in sooooooo much trouble for this one .



.

[Fathoms Down]

Sounds like you've been learning the painful way Mark! Here are my three tips to happy peeing underwater...

1, Buy a balanced valve to avoid the "up the wrong way" feeling.
2, Contact Charter Healthcare to get free samples and set up an account. They let you order over the internet and are very discrete (the downside is they keep sending me free leg bags. Ick!).
3, Quick connects are the way to go.