Careful how you use your pee valve!

[MuckMuppet]

WARNING: Do not read this thread if you are offended by medical issues of a "genital" nature!

It all started on Monday 22nd October. After a nice weekend of diving and cooking a slap-up Sunday dinner for Mrs MuckMuppet, I woke up feeling absolutely fine as normal, but at about ten am I started feeling really weird, shaking uncontrollably, with waves of cold traveling up and down my body. Even wearing a coat and sitting with my back to the radiator didn't seem to help. As the day wore on, I found I couldn’t even concentrate on reading my emails as my head felt so fuzzy. I also started to get a dull pain coming from between the legs, which was a little worrying. At this point I just thought I’d done something stupid like sit down too quick, mashing myself slightly.

Anyhow, I took myself home from work and looked in the medicine cabinet. I found I was too confused even to work out what pills to take for my head, so I just went to bed. Mrs MuckMuppet came home from work and took my temperature and I was running a fever of 102. I thought I’d be OK if I just took the next day off work and kept my head down.

The next day I found it a little bit uncomfortable walking with the pain between my legs, but I still didn’t connect that with the fever I was running. Its amazing how crap the brain can be when you’re ill. It felt like my blood was running alternately hot and cold all day. When the Mrs. got home from work, my temperature was nearly 104. She decided to get me into the local hospital to see the out of hours GP to work out what was wrong. By this time I could barely walk with the pain downstairs!

I told the GP what was wrong and he obviously thought the nuts pain was significant, because he got me to drop my trousers so he could take a look at them. After feeling around the general area for pain, he zeroed in on the right testicle. Anyone would have thought he was a particularly enthusiastic baker making dough the way he mashed my scrotum at this point. It felt like he was dragging me by the balls through the gates of hell itself! If I were an extreme masochist, I would describe the pain as “exquisite” but I’m not, so words fail me. For the first time since I was a child, I almost cried due to pain. If I’d had a gun, I would’ve shot the doc there and then. Then myself.

Mercifully and eventually, he stopped the torture, allowing me to pull my pants up, whimpering. Without preamble, he told me there was a lump on my right testicle, and I’d have to be admitted into the Emergency Assessment Ward (EAW). He didn’t mention CANCER, but that’s certainly what was running through my mind.

I was in a state of confusion at this point as I’d thought before seeing him that he was just going to prescribe some pills for the fever and send me on my way. The doc said possibilities were 1: cyst in the scrotum 2: strangulated hernia 3: torsion of the testicle and that infection resulting from whichever cause (1-3) was giving rise to the fever. He still didn’t say CANCER. I left the room to tell the Mrs what was happening. Apparently I was quite green.

I hobbled up to the EAW and was assigned a bed to lie on to wait for the next doc to see me. After some hours, a very young junior doctor came to see me. After reading my vital signs (elevated temperature, blood pressure, and pulse of 120) and asking some questions, she asked to examine the testicle. I should point out that my nightmare was that I’d end up seeing an endless string of doctors who each wanted to do to me what the first one had done, so in no uncertain terms I relayed my experience at the hands of the out of hours GP and that I’d rather take my own life than be handled that way again. As a result she was thankfully extremely gentle and I managed to get through the examination without screaming, even when she pressed a torch against my nadgers! She couldn’t express an opinion, so I had to wait until a more senior doc could see me. This eventually happened at 2am. Another mercifully gentle examination, and the doc told me I’d have to be admitted overnight to see the surgical consultant in the morning – as all possible causes would probably require surgical treatment. So at 2:15 the lovely Mrs MuckMuppet was allowed to go home (she’d waited in case I could be released back home) for some sleep.

After a fitful sleep, I was treated to no food or water for breakfast – just in case I needed an anesthetic for surgery. The consultant arrived with an entourage of 7 student doctors and a senior nurse. One or two of the student docs seemed almost young enough to be kids of mine, so it was with some embarrassment that I lowered me keks so they could see the offending article.

As an aside here I should mention that I keep my nuts shaved quite closely (and the pubes above the gonads well trimmed) to avoid any entanglements with the glue-on condom I have to wear with the pee valve. This is because when I first started using the pee valve I got a big mass of pubes off me scrotum entangled right at the start of a 90 minutes deco and they just wouldn’t shift for love nor money. Getting a single trapped pube is bad enough when you can disentangle it fairly quickly after paying a quick visit to the gents (or in some cases, simply putting your hand in your pocket). I decided I never again wanted to go through that – hence the genital topiary. To their lasting credit, not a single medic batted an eyelid when presented with my depilated testes.

After groping my right nut for some time, and inviting some of the students to do the same, the consultant declared that the likely cause was an inflammation and infection of the epididimus (a tube which carries sperm away from the testicle). He said I’d need to have an ultrasound scan to see if it was a simple infection (which could be treated with antibiotics), or something which might require surgery (epididimitis apparently often happens at the same time as testicular torsion, which can require the nut to be “untwisted” on the operating table).

Mrs MuckMuppet arrived for the day, bless her, bringing a printout of the Wiki entry for epididimytus. Apparently, a condition difficult to diagnose because of the other maladies presenting constant scrotal pain (inc. CANCER). Ulp.

Around lunchtime I was wheeled down to the ultrasound dept, as I could barely even stand up. I implored the ultrasound operator to be gentle, and thankfully the exam was over in a couple of minutes without too much pain. At the end I was informed that the cause was simple infection, which, while being exceedingly painful, would probably not require surgery and most importantly was not CANCER! Thank God.

The consultant put me on industrial strength painkillers and some antibiotics which would hopefully be the right ones for the infection. I don’t think they were the right antibios, because when I woke up on Thursday morning, I was still feverish with high temp and pulse rate and the right testicle looked like a grenade and felt like it was about to explode, covering me and the rest of the inmates in the ward with testicular shrapnel. The left testicle and penis looked like afterthoughts hanging off the side of the monstrous bollock. Apparently there is a nerve which goes from the epididimus into the abdomen – that was ludicrously swollen too. It is said that this in particular produces hernia-like pain. That was simply a mild inconvenience compared to the nut pain I got every time I moved a muscle (even sitting up in bed).

All day, the pain spectrum varied between 1: occasional swipes at the testicle by a playful 4yr old with a table tennis bat to 10: determined gang of nightclub bouncers acting in a coordinated fashion using boots, fists and baseball bats to turn the testicle into a rhythmic percussion instrument. After hobbling to the loo under my own steam, I was pissing blood. I couldn’t do a number two as it was agony to push!

That afternoon, one of the junior docs said my urine/blood results showed I needed a different antibiotic to treat the infection. They also upped the painkillers, God be praised!

Friday – things were starting to look much better. My temperature and pulse rate had both dropped under 100. The right nut swelling was just starting to reduce. The pain was slightly better. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. The consultant said I’d be able to go home the next day.

I’d been reading the Wiki printouts the Mrs. had given me, and apparently, the causes of epididimytus include:

1) Urinary tract infections
2) VD: Gonorrhea, Chlamydia etc
3) Urinary reflux into the vas deferens (can be brought about by heavy lifting)
4) Urinary catheterization

1 and 3 started ringing alarm bells with me. In particular pee-valve alarm bells!

Unless you are absolutely perfect in your use of the pee valve, and you have a straightforward non-balanced valve like me, you are likely to experience the following effects at some point:

1) Opening the pee valve way too soon, allowing sea water to flush in down the tube, right down to your hog’s eye. You certainly use a new catheter every day, but do you rinse out the rubber tube and valve thoroughly every time? I don’t know anyone who does. What germs are lurking in the average valve, waiting for the day you open the valve too soon?
2) Cutting off the flow periodically so that the pressure doesn’t build up too much in the catheter. Does this leave you open to reflux?
3) How many times have you sat there having a bit of a pee on the boat through the valve, then kitted up and lifted 200lbs before falling off the boat? What about peeing on deco then getting on the lift? Does this leave you open to reflux?

The consultant did seem concerned when I spoke to him about this. We agreed that it’d be best if I cleaned the valve out thoroughly after every dive. I’ll also look into including a one-way section in there somehow to minimize chances of reflux. I’m not saying that the pee-valve caused all this, but there is the possibility that it did.

I’ve been home for nearly a week now – the pain is only about 2% what it was last week and the bollock is nearly back to normal size, and I can walk normally (but I don’t think I could run to save my life!). It looks like I’ll be able to go to work next week. But the doc says I probably won’t be completely back to normal for 4-6 weeks, and will be on antibiotics for all that time. Also, now that I’ve had acute epididimytus, I stand a strong chance of getting it again. I’m not looking forward to that, and I’m going to take all the precautions I can to avoid it.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else either, so please just have a think about how you use your pee-valve! If you do find yourself going through this, I hope you have someone as great as my wife to help you through it.

All the best and love to all,

MuckMuppet.

PS: Sadly, my cat just used the testicle as a stepping stone to get from the top of the sofa to the floor. How I shrieked!

[tiggerbiker]

*&%$ing hell man!!!!

thanks for sharing that - even though i'm sitting with my legs very firmly crossed.

i was thinking of getting a pee-valve instead of man-nappies - i think i'm going to put up with nappies

[paramedic paul]

Thanks for sharing, I think!!!!

[Janos]

Blimey!

Green for that. I've worked in pharmaceuticals and a genital-urinary tract infection is something I'm acutely aware of and take stops to avoid. I'll start to disinfect my p-valve a bit more often (I use buddy-clean) now.

Janos

[Helen F H]

Ouch ouch ouch ouch! I have to admit to having a giggle at this line though

right testicle looked like a grenade and felt like it was about to explode, covering me and the rest of the inmates in the ward with testicular shrapnel

Glad it is all better now

Maybe someone medically minded could suggest something to clean a pee valve with to save any more blokes going through this?

[Adrian Kelland]

Did the cat use claws?

I hope the recovery goes well and that there is no repetition.

Adrian

[nickb]

Now that's a trip report!

Neil & Charley were telling me all about this yesterday, oh how we chuckled, but they didn't quite convey the abject misery as well as you've done here.

I understand there are photos

[G man]

Very descriptive and amusing buddy now hurry up and get in the water so we can do some diving.
You know me If you want sympathy you have to look in he dictionary, you will find it between shit and syphilis.

Please can you mark on the picture which one is you.




Cheers Grant. (The Bastard)

[Scubee]

Ouch
Sorry to hear about this, and i hope you recover quickly.

[MuckMuppet]

Blimey! What the hell have I been moaning about?

Those poor b*stards!