Joke of the Day

[Col.Maniac]

There are two worms, one said to the other "You know, I dont like that golf, I keep getting hit on the head with golf clubs."
The other worm said "I know but it`s not as bad as fishing is it"

Little Paddy said to his father " There`s a man knocking at the door with a beard."  His father said " no wonder I cant hear him."


Little Mick was at school and the teacher said to him " What yould you do if Jesus walked into the class room today?"
Mick said " I`l stick a bible in his hand and say "This is your life!""

[Col.Maniac]

Paddy was in the army and on patrol up in Belfast when the sergeant said, "we got a curfew up tonight Paddy, if you see anyone out after 9 o'clock shoot em!"

At a quarter to nine there was a rattle of gun fire and the sergeant came running down the street and found a man stone dead. He said "It's only a quarter to nine!" Paddy said " I know but I know where that fellow lives, there's no chance of him making it home at 9 o'clock."

[susan]

A begger walked up to a well dressed women shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, " I havent eaten anything in four days.
She looked at him and said " God I wish I had you willpower".


I havent spoken to my wife in 18 months. I dont like to interrupt her.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream for it".


A guy walks into a psychiatrists wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

[Diving Dude]

Two senior Citizen's in a boat, they approach a fork in the river, the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

Next day on the boat again, they approach a fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked," Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal?
Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid
and I thought the choices were f*ck or drown."

[Ron Young]

Clean one!!!

Ugly People In Heaven

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an
oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then
get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they
have experienced; he decides to grant them One wish
each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined
up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers,
and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to
be gorgeous too."? Another snap
of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down
the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When
there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on
the floor, laughing his butt off.?Finally, God reaches
this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says...... "Make 'em all ugly
again".

[Ron Young]

The Frog and The Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He
can see from her nameplate that her name
is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a
£30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks
at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog
says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad
is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank
manager. Patty explains that he will
need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog
says, "Sure. I have this," and produces
a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall -
bright pink and perfectly formed. Very
confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult
with the bank  manager and disappears
into a back office.





> >

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to
know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral." She holds up
the tiny pink elephant. " I mean, what in the world is
this?"

>

>

> >

(you're gonna love this)

> >
>
>



>






(its a real treat)

> >




>
(masterpiece)

> >

(wait for it)

> >

The bank manager looks back at her and

says.................................

> >
>



>


"It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a
loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

> >

> >(You're singing it, aren't you?!!)

[Diving Dude]

What does Winnie the pooh and Henry the Eighth have in common?



They both have the same middle name.      

Sadly this is the best joke l've heard for ages

[Doug Parker]

And Jack the ripper.

[Doug Parker]

Attila the Hun.

[Doug Parker]

Lily the pink.