Joke of the Day

[Diving Dude]

GI the 3rd

[Diving Dude]

For the football fans

England manager Sven Goran Eriksson spots a turd on the England training pitch with which he replies "Who's sh*t on the pitch?"
Heskey replies "I am Boss, but I'm good in the air"


England manager Sven Goran Eriksson told David Beckham that he was thinking about playing him in the next england friendly but may pull him off at half time. "Fantastic" said David I usually only get an orange!

[ANDY 64]

<font color='#0000FF'>

Quote[/b] ]GI the 3rd

Is that short for George the Turd,,,,,,,,,,,, has he a brother , Dick the sh*t

[Scuba1]

<font color='#000080'>A man and a woman are in bed, making passionate love. The woman hears a key in the latch and panics: &quot;Oh my God, it's my husband...quick, jump out the window!&quot;

Her lover says, &quot;Are you crazy, we are on the 13th floor!&quot;

The woman replies, &quot;This is NO TIME for superstition!&quot;

moray (too lazy to log in)

[peter k]

A woman comes home one day to find her husband &quot;interfering&quot; with the neighbours wife. She whips off the duvet, grabs him by the c**k and marches him downstairs into the garage.
Once in the garage she takes him over to the vice , puts his willy in it and tightens the thing up. By now the huband's pleading and begging for forgivness;
&quot;Please, Please, I'll never happen again. It was only a one off&quot; he says
She ignores him and goes over to the toolbox where she takes out a big, rusty serrated blade. By now the husband's in tears;
&quot;Please, Please, Don't cut it off. I'm really, really sorry&quot; he bawls.
The wife looks at him and says &quot;Cut it off! I'm not going to cut it off. I'm going to set the garage on fire. It's up to you what you do with the knife&quot;.

Boom, Boom
Peter

[Finless]

Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a tree. One wakes up, nudges the other and says &quot;I'm hungry, do you fancy going out for a bite&quot;. The other replies &quot;No point. I woke up earlier and had a look round, there is nothing to bite round hear, but you go if you want to&quot;.

The first bat flies off and comes back 10 minutes later with his chops plastrered in blood. Bat number two looks at him and says &quot;you lucky bleeder, where did you find all that blood?&quot;

Bat one says &quot;Come with me and I will show you. You see that big tree over there?&quot; &nbsp;Bat two says &quot;Yes&quot;. &nbsp;Bat one says &quot;well I didn't !!!!&quot;.

[Kate]

<font color='#810541'>A man is like a pack of cards, you need a heart to love him...a diamond to marry him...a club to smesh his f***ing head in...and a spade to bury him!!!!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
so jack could lick Jills F***y
Jack got a shock and a mouthfull of cock
coz Jill was a f***ing tranny

Man marries a deaf girl, he says &quot;If I want sexI'll stroke your left breast and you reply by pulling my penis once for yes and fifty times for no!!!!&quot;

Did you hear about the two Thalidomides who got arrested at Heathrow Airport for trying to bring small arms into the country?!

*Sorry some of them are a little close to the mark *

x x x

[Diving Dude]

Quote[/b] (Kate @ Oct. 09 2003,16:59)]*Sorry some of them are a little close to the mark *

You must mean Mark Chase and that tranny joke then?

[Noel Johnson]

Apologies if it's been on here before:

Gerry &amp; Paddy - Fook'n crackers

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy,
&quot;Dat's dem&quot;.
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
&quot;Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,&quot; says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Conor Pass.

At the Conor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
&quot;Dis looks like a grand place&quot;.
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,

&quot;Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!&quot;



PART TWO :

Moment's later Seamus arrives up at Conor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun inthe other.
&quot;Hi, Paddy. Watch dis,&quot; Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says,

&quot;And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!&quot;




PART THREE :

Paddy is just getting over the shock of loosing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pull a chicken. Sean then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head and says -


&quot;Fook that Lads.

First der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus
parrotshooting and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!&quot;

[Diving Dude]

A couple for the wild weggie Peter.

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, &quot;A penny for your thoughts, Angus.&quot;

&quot;Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss.&quot;

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. &quot;Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.&quot;

&quot;Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle.&quot;

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, &quot;Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.&quot;

&quot;Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand
on your leg.&quot;

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

&quot;Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.&quot;

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.

&quot;Well, noo,&quot; he said, &quot;my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.&quot;

&quot;Really?&quot; said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

&quot;Aye,&quot; said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, &quot;Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?&quot;

.................................................. .............

A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a Taxi, she was so beautiful that he could hardly keep his eye on the meter.