More classics from Viz magazine

[Noel Johnson]

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are
moving to India. I'm so excited!
I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll
be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the
good work.
Charles Turner


What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story
straight.
T Potter


I wouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it
would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts



Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging'
who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds
up.
Christina Martin



Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain
healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I s*** the bed.
What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley



AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have
banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just
wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail


TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older"
when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another
one's arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown


I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer


PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging
in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they
are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It
wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in
car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where
credit is due.
T Harpic, London



THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a
teaching post is, how s*** must the other people at the interview have
been?
T Thorne, London


WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray


THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks!
I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find
the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith


I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted
wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise
move.
Martin Mannion



Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill


Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m****. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds


My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this?
Alun Daniel


My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is
completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and
trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll
get up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham



When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the
poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull


What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

[angleseydiver]

Cheers for that collection