Dr Frosty's problem page. Part 2

[frosty the snowman]

Well since some people have been away for a while I thought it was about time that brought them up to date with what's been going on around here as we have another delve into Dr Frostys' bulging sack.





Hello there. I'm Dr Frosty and once again I'd like to welcome you my problem page. Without further ado let's answer the first letter which is from 'K' of Plymouth.

Dear Dr Frosty. Although I'm a bird I like to do certain manly things like diving. However whilst diving I feel compelled to abuse wildlife, especially spider crabs. I've heard that serial killers start their murderous activities by hurting animals. Could I be a latent serial killer?

Hello K. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Whilst spider crabs are edible, they're classified as seafood rather than serial which is more like wheatabix or crunchy nut cornflakes. The only potential problem is that once a spider crab is toppled off a rock into deep water it releases a chemical which can only affect human females in their early fourties and causes their arses to tripple in size and then they become terminally flatulent. Of course these are very specific conditions so I'm sure you'll be fine.

The next cry for help is from 'PV' of Weymouth.

Dear Dr Frosty, I'm worried that I can't resist stalking a certain TV celebrity but I'm even more worried now as rumours abound on the internet that he might be a bit too 'good with colours' if you catch my drift. I don't want to be labled a fag hag so what can I do?

Calm yourself PV. Firstly your activities can only be regarded as stalking if you've met this person more than once or posted lots of pictures of him on the internet and I'm sure you haven't gone that far. Secondly rumours of sexual depravity mean little and should only be taken seriously if the subject of your ardour exhibits tell tale signs such as having been in the royal marines or posing for photographs involving simulated sododmy so please relax.

Lastly for now, one from 'BB' from the third world.

How docta Frosty man, hadaway and shite. Me an me blurk wuz gannin doon sooth in our murter hurm last week an ah cannat believe what wuz did man. Wuz storted eatin wi knives and forks, drinkin soft southern drinks wi nur domestos or owt in, an wuz even used bog rurl man! Ahm worried in case wiw torned into hur-mur-sexuals. What can wuz dee aboot it then bonny lad?

Now please don't worry about this BB. It's very common for people from the third world to suffer culture shock when they first encounter civilisation. It's actually quite normal in civilised society for people to use cutlery and toilet paper and it's considered unusual to consume beverages containing domestic cleaning products. This does not constitute homosexuality. Perhaps you should consider the effect that cutlery, electric lighting and carpets would have on your hovel. You would be the envy of all your neighbours and would probably even be worshipped as some sort of deity for your posession of such wonders.

Well that's all for now but keep them coming as I don't want to lose the feeling of a full and bulging sack.

[Sparky750]

Far too much time on your hands. Quality though

[Buoyant Babe]

Dr Frosty's bulging sack will be even more swollen once my pointy-toed f*ck-me-boots have made contact with it

[MATTBIN]

Dr Frosty can you help me - I am at my wits end, I keep thinking I'm a diver, I know its a figment of my imagination but I cant help it. I have all the kit, I post frequently on dive related websites but each time I get close to going diving something craps out, please what can I do???

Matt

[Scubee]

Apparently, I have to spread it around a bit. Can't think what you have done to deserve green off me recently though

[chrisch]

Originally Posted by MATTBIN

Dr Frosty can you help me - I am at my wits end, I keep thinking I'm a diver, I know its a figment of my imagination but I cant help it. I have all the kit, I post frequently on dive related websites but each time I get close to going diving something craps out, please what can I do???

Matt

Clean yer goggles man then you'll see the water.

Chris

[purple vonny]

Originally Posted by Scubee

Apparently, I have to spread it around a bit. Can't think what you have done to deserve green off me recently though

Ditto. You cheeky monkey.

(The BB Geordie-speak did make me laugh to the point of almost wetting my pants though)

[purple vonny]

This landed on my my doormat this morning by mistake......

Dear Dr Frosty,

I think most divers and all dive centre owners / workers are tossers of the first degree. I don't believe it. Honestly, I mean, monkeys, the lot of them. Not a neurone between them. When I was a lad, and I've been diving for a very long time, things were different , I can tell you. I am currently making re-breathers in my shed inbetween trimix blending.

Am I turning into Victor Meldrew?

I only ask because I am amazingly attractive to young women.

Yours etcetera,

Confused Jack

[frosty the snowman]

Originally Posted by MATTBIN

Dr Frosty can you help me - I am at my wits end, I keep thinking I'm a diver, I know its a figment of my imagination but I cant help it. I have all the kit, I post frequently on dive related websites but each time I get close to going diving something craps out, please what can I do???

Matt

Hello Matt. Well this is a bit tricky for me to deal with because as professor of foofological studies at the institute of mimsy studies, Newton Abbot, my real field of expertise in girly stuff. However to ascertain if you are a real diver you need to find out if you are (a) male, (b) british, (c) BSAC trained, (d) slightly well built, (e) smelling somewhat of fish/brasso/neoprene and (f) unwilling to dive with Tom.

[frosty the snowman]

Originally Posted by purple vonny

This landed on my my doormat this morning by mistake......

Dear Dr Frosty,

I think most divers and all dive centre owners / workers are tossers of the first degree. I don't believe it. Honestly, I mean, monkeys, the lot of them. Not a neurone between them. When I was a lad, and I've been diving for a very long time, things were different , I can tell you. I am currently making re-breathers in my shed inbetween trimix blending.

Am I turning into Victor Meldrew?

I only ask because I am amazingly attractive to young women.

Yours etcetera,

Confused Jack

Hi Jack. No, I can categorically state that your fears are unfounded. A cross between Bill Wyman and Bruce Everiss would be a much more accurate assesment of your condition.