When insults were an art form....

[Pigpen]

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill... followed by Churchill's response:

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee! " Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"

[andys]

I think he had another run in with Lady Astor when she said to him at some do: "Winston, your drunk!!", He replied: "And your ugly, but in the morning I'll be sober!"

Good ol' Winston.

[nickb]

Another famous one I enjoy is: somebody (the person varies according to who tells the story) holds open a door for Dorothy Parker saying ‘Age before beauty’; Dorothy Parker strides confidently forward quipping ‘Pearls before swine.’

Kenneth Williams compiled a book full of such barbs back in the early seventies. It was a cracking read:

Acid Drops

[PeeBee]

One of my favourites on a persons anual performance review:-

This man has the full six pack, but seems to lack the plastic thingy that holds them together

[wokauvin]

My favourite:

"They never knowingly open their mouths without subtracting from the
sum of human knowledge."

Thomas Brackett Reed

[Frankie Price]

"I like him and his wife. He is so ladylike, and she is such a perfect gentleman.
(Sydney Smith 1771-1845)

Henry James was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.
(Wiliam Faulkner 1897-1962)

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
(Grouch Marx)

[uwila]

Or when someone leaves a job and joins a competitor:

"He's simultaneously increased the average IQ of both companies"

[Buoyant Babe]

I would engage with you in a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed

[Pigpen]

Originally Posted by Buoyant Babe

I would engage with you in a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed

That has to be Oscar?

[Buoyant Babe]

Originally Posted by Pigpen

That has to be Oscar?

I have no idea, I'll see if I can find my dictionary of insults and my dictionary of quotations. Back in a bit...

Edit: it appears I misquoted it, but I still can't find it attributed to Oscar, either in my quote dictionary, my 'Sayings of Oscar Wilde' book or on Google. I did however find this