Billy Connolly's Guide to Living Life

[MartinS]

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
Boo joggers.
Have lots of  long lie-ins.
Sleep with somebody you like.
Eat plenty of Liquorice Allsorts.
Try to live in a place you like.
Marry somebody you like.
Try to do a job you like.
Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction: tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look f*****g great.
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
Never eat food that comes in a bucket.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Don't work out, work in.
Play the banjo.
Never turn down an opportunity to shout, 'F*** them all!' at the top of your voice.
Avoid bigots of all descriptions.
Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old...look forward to it.
Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.
Before you judge a man,  walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's spinach on them.
Avoid people who say they know the answer.
Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.
If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11 a.m., start one.
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the  international language, it has no swearwords.
If you write a book,  be sure it has exactly seventy-six 'f***'s in it.
Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.
Don't be talked into wearing a uniform.
Salute nobody.
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
Campaign against blue Smarties.
Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: 'It's good
to be alive!
:bravo:

[Davey Willo]

BC is without doubt the funniest man on the planet, reading these quotes they don't seem half as funny unless u picture Conolly walking up and down the stage brushing back his hair and expressing them in his inimatable glaswegian stylee. :biggrin:

[Driftwood]

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Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Quote: from Dave Williamson on 10:43 am on July 26, 2002
BC is without doubt the funniest man on the planet, reading these quotes they don't seem half as funny unless u picture Conolly walking up and down the stage brushing back his hair and expressing them in his inimatable glaswegian stylee. :biggrin:

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Or even imagine Ammers doing them!! :nuts:

[Mr T.]

Hey Dave,

Have you read his wife, Pamela Stephenson's book 'Billy'??

Here's a heads-up in case you haven't.

To say his life has been a happy and sad mixture of pleasure and torment would be a gross under-statement! His problems ranged from his mum fox-trotting on him at an early age (only to resurface when he was well into adulthood); a couple of maiden-aunts who kicked the bejesus out of him as a nipper; his dad 'kiddy-fiddlin' with him in the one bed they had in the house when he came back from the pub wankered, and Billy's own alcoholism which saw him unable to take the stage unless well stoted.

Possibly as a result of some of the above, his life has, by turns, taken any number of self-destructive roads: drinking; trying sex whilst 'batting for BOTH sides (in golfing parlance, you could say that he's tried 'playing the back 9')'; getting into such a state that, whilst staying in London on tour, he got so pissed that he found himself in a phone box and 'couldn't find his way out again'! He just about managed to call his agent (at 0-dark-30 in the AM) who, because Billy could't tell him 'where' in London he was, had to drive round London looking for him.

You have to remember, whilst reading the book, that his wife used to be the comedienne Pamela Stephenson of 'Not the 9 O'Clock News' fame. Alas, since those heady days, she's now gone off and got a PhD in Psychology and is now a therapist in LA. The language of the therapist seeps through in trying to explain Billy's erratic behavour over the years, but is none the less telling for that.

IMHO, I preferred the Billy Connolly that used to make me roar with laughter when ever he appeared on 'Parkinson' or the earlier videos like 'An Audience with.....' and 'Billy & Albert' - i.e. when he was still drinking. He's calmed down such a lot and cleaned up his general act that I yearn for the good old days of raw Glaswegian Billy at Full-tilt Boogey.

If you told the general populace that Billy Connolly is now a tea-total Buddhist (which he is), I'm sure they'd have difficulty believing you. Mind you, he does still dye his pubes purple and have his nipples pierced, so there may just be some of the old Billy left.......somewhere?!

Hey Drift, DON'T go there.....!!

[Eddie]

Rather have Jasper Carrot.. :moon2: . I can't understand BC half the time, bit like Rab-C-Nesbit. :rofl2: ...

[PaulC]

Connolly is one of the greats. His description of being on manoeuvres with the TA is to me unforgettable. By a short head I prefer Dave Allen. Whether this says something about comedians (good comedians anyway) often being troubled people is one for public debate...

[Paxo]

:bang: Just my ha'pence worth.
The Big Yin is and has been one of lifes greatest natural racontuers for some years now, I used to ROFL at him on Parky etc.
My younger brother had a phase of purchasing comedy LP's and Connolly was always being played in his bedroom, but two other regular 'artistes' were Mike Harding (remember him, the Rochdale Cowboy?) and a fella with the driest wit and delivery that I've had the pleasure of listening to, Blaster Bates, a former demolitions expert turned club act. If ever you're in one of these record fairs/second hand shops and see one of his albums for a couple o'bob, treat yourself, you shouldn't be disappointed by his monologues on various subjects but mainly the decking of buildings/'chimleys'.