Dr Frostys guide to growing up for boys.

[frosty the snowman]

Hello there, Dr Frosty here. I've recieved a letter from a young lad who calls himself S.F. As a ten year old, he is naturally concerned about the changes his young body is about to undergo. Particularly his todger and all that. So I thought I'd publish a few extracts from my best selling book for Sog... sorry... his benefit and to help all those in a similar position. Let's begin with my A to Z of growing up for boys.
A is for Acne.
This is the all too common condition of skin blemishes which affects many teenagers. It is really nothing to worry about and is simply Gods way of punishing all those who manipulate their toilet areas for sordid and immoral pleasure.

B is for Bestiality.
Here in Devon, this is a common and harmless practice which many young fellows employ as a type of rehearsal for later marital obligations. It is only a cause for concern if one fails to ask the farmers permission first or to shut the gate afterwards.

C is for Cunnilingus.
This is a type of cloud formation usually asscociated with heavy rain.

D is for Deodorant.
This is an unmanly product aimed at a section of the buying public who are good with colours and include Judy garland and George Michael in their CD collections.

E is for Emo.
This is currently a fashionable lifestyle amongst some teenagers these days. It involves inserting a large, shaggy emu puppet over ones arm, attacking TV presenters and falling off roofs.

F is for Forplay.
This peculiar activity is occasionally undertaken prior to sexual congress at which point it is polite to ask the other two to leave the room. Or barn.

G is for Gonnorohea.
This is a largely mythical condition which may be contracted from floozies and sailors and can be avoided by keeping the door locked and not removing ones socks.

H is for Homosexuality.
Many young men experience close physical admiration for other chaps during the difficult adolescent years. This is perfectly normal and timely intervention from a priest or exorcist is all that is required to save ones immortal soul from eternal damnation.

I is for I-pod.
I have absolutely no idea what these things are.

J is for Juvenile delinquency.
Sadly many young fellows are under pressure from their peers to stray into antisocial and criminal activity. Whilst this is a normal phase through which many youngsters pass before leading honest and respectable lives, it is best dealt with by severe flogging, beheading or hanging, drawing and quatering if it is to be nipped in the bud.

K is for Kissing.
This effeminate activity is really only carried out by girls although a young man may do so if he is kissing his nan at christmas. She should ensure that she has removed her dentures if tongues are involved however.

L is for Love.
See I-pod.

M is for Masturbation.
This activity is commonly performed by many young fellows and is a harmless outlet for ones normal teenage urges. Remember to leave the room quietly once you have finished so as not to disturb the other lads.

N is for Narcotics.
Drug useage is all too common amongst young men. The dangers have been well publicised and include getting caught, scoring some charlie that's been cut with ajax, and setting fire to your trousers when you spot the filth and stuff your spliff into your pocket.

O is for Onanism.
This is what posh people such as the Queen and Victoria Beckham would call the five knuckle shuffle. See M.

P is for Penis.
Many pubescent young gentlemen suffer great anxiety regarding their procreative appendage. Just to put everyones mind at rest. The average member is 8 inches long when relaxed and 19 inches when at matrimonial attention. Such turgidity is usually maintained for at least 6 hours after which it can be repeated within 4 minutes. So now you can all relax.

Q is for Quantum mechanics.
When seeking to attract a suitor of the contrary gender, research has shown that this topic of conversation is the one most likely to ensure that ones paramour is frothing like bottled bass.

R is for Romance.
This immaginary emotion is entirely the preserve of females however it can easily be simulated utilsing a £2.99 bunch of flowers and a cadburys chocolate orange from your local filling station.

S is for Sex.
Within the confines of a marriage sanctified by God, this activity is one endured by ones good lady wife every Friday evening and must always be carried out in the dark. Just remember to phone your wife if you may be late home from work as she may wish to start without you to save time.

T is for Testicles
These also cause great concern to many juvenile young gentlemen. Their exact function is unknown but the ability to perform 'last turkey in the shop' for the amusement of ones fellow customers in the public house seems the most common useage.

U is for University.
The teenage years are the time when you should be considering your future and whether to apply to undertake higher education. When choosing your university you need to consider many things but most of all whether you'll get to go on university challenge to be mocked by that smug twat Paxman.

V is for Vagina.
This charming greek island is often the destination for young men seeking to get away from it all in warm humid conditions. Is is often heavily foliated although if you are lucky, the natives will have trimmed the bush prior to your arrival. It is famed for its seafood and much easier to locate than the neighbouring island of clematis (sp ?).

W is for W@nkers crisps.
A euphamism applied to the collection of tissues secreted beneath the bed of an adolescent male. See also Pop shot popadoms.

X is for X-rated.
It is not uncommon for the adolescent male to seek visual comfort in gentlemens relaxation pamphlets. Such behaviour is not without risk. For instance make sure that there isn't a young lady serving, particularly one who is too too short sighted to read the price and who holds your chosen publication up to the light just as the fittest girls from your class enter the newsagent to purchase heat magazine.

Y is for Y-fronts.
Personal hygiene is most important during the teenage years. Undergarments should be changed at least weekly ensuring that they are left if the correct area of the bedroom floor for your mother to pick them up.

Z is for Zurich.
This is a place in Switzerland or somewhere but at least I didn't resort to using 'zoo.'

[ScubaSue]

When I read the thread title there was me thinking it was going to be a very short book.

[Madfish]

H is for Hollyoaks too yoof of today innit...

Di

[Cornish Diver]

Brilliant. I see where it all went wrong now. R is so true.

[wacky]

Originally Posted by frosty the snowman

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E is for Emo.
This is currently a fashionable lifestyle amongst some teenagers these days. It involves inserting a large, shaggy emu puppet over ones arm, attacking TV presenters and falling off roofs.


I is for I-pod.
I have absolutely no idea what these things are.

'

Thanks this has helped me no end.


Also, I am " Down with the young folk" & can help you out, an I Pod is similar to a Ear Trumpet, in that it can help those who have part taken in too much M. When you see an I Pod, simply bend down & shout into it, think of your grandad when you were a nipper.

And E for Emo, generally means being pleasant & socialble to your friends & their parents, but grunting, sighing & generally being a shit in front of your own parents. Oh & lots of black, maybe this will lead on to DIR but I hope not.

Keep up the good work!

[purple vonny]

Dear Dr Frosty,

I always thought F was for foof.

V, is of course for Volvo. My aunt has a very large one.

[frosty the snowman]

Originally Posted by purple vonny

Dear Dr Frosty,

I always thought F was for foof.

V, is of course for Volvo. My aunt has a very large one.

Many more mature ladies have large volvos although the air bags and seats tend to lose some firmness with extended use. They are however usually particularly roomy.

[mala]

g is also for green.

have one.