Glasgow to host the Olympics in year 2012

[peter k]

GLASGOW OLYMPICS
In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic
Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2012, the
organisers of Glasgow's bid have already drawn up an itinery and
schedule of events. Here is the leaked copy.

OPENING CEREMONY
The olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native
of the city (preferably from govan), wearing the traditional
balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated in
the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Glasgow's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local Glasgow
athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one under
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will
be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (ie: car bonnets,
hedges,gardens,fences,walls etc.)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to
use (claw,sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the
most greivous bodily harm to members of the public within the time
allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and
jewellery as possible in 5 mins.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van. In the 2nd round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor
style wages delivery man.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 litres
of El Dorado or Buckfast while the wife will be told not to make him
any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into university bike shed and take
an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country
on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy
riding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued
with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way
round the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the Clyde. The first
three survivors back will decide the medals.

MENS 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of any one walking that distance through the
streets of Glasgow.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Govan
health in the community anti drug campaigners, synchronised rock
throwing and music by the police masons choir. The Olympic flame will
be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it
from the top floor of the flats next to the stadium. The stadium will
then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove
all the copper piping, the central heating boiler and the satelite
dish.