The nervous Vicar

[Jay]

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the
door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[skener]

A pervy vicar
The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little so he decides to, well, you know, 'pleasure' himself. So he's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen. Couple of minutes later, doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner. Vicar is understanably embarrased, and asks the man how much he owes him.

"50 quid" comes the reply.

"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.

"Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. Following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander 'round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"

"Guy from the village does them for me, does a great job," replies the vicar

"oh, yeah, how much does he charge you, then?"

"well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"

"fifty quid! blimey!" says the bishop, "he must have seen you coming!"