Dumps

[Sean]

THE  PERFECT DUMP

Every once  in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It’s rare but
a real  thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you
get is a  smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water  with
the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet
tissue to  find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel  that
all  is right  in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with  it.

THE BEER  DUMP
Nasty!  Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of  too
Many beers -  doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister,
lengthy,  noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could
close the  bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised...

THE CHILLI  DUMP (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when  it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with  you
all day  stinging yer ring and generally making your chockie starfish  feel
like the  Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese
Flag".

THE EMPTY  ROLL DUMP
Relief -  you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find  an
empty cardboard  cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You  could
use the  curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?"  Use
the rug? Nah,  too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same
conclusion that every  "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten
yer cheeks  and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll.  Failing that you  could always use your shirt-tail or one of your  socks!

THE SPLASH  BACK DUMP
This one  drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold  water
that washes  your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now  your
wet  and  Embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.  Tip
of the day:  blot instead of wiping.

THE CHILD  BIRTH DUMP
This one  is just too big to go through the aperture provided by  nature
for this  purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First  it
hurts, and then gets  no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see
your loved  ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming
"Man dies trying to  hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream;  2. Call an Obstetrician;
3. Hope to  #### you've got some Vaseline to help you get through  it.

THE  MACHINE GUN DUMP
Best  utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime  peace
when suddenly  you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the
tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits
the floor  like a  Vietnam veteran, cradling  his umbrella like a M16... #### commies.

THE SOUND  EFFECT DUMP
You feel a  noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work  mates
are within  earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to  cover
the disgusting  sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence.  At
the precise  moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush  the toilet;
2. Drop  loose change on the floor;
3. Sing  the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.

THE  CLING-ON DUMP
You've  finished but there's one #### morsel that refuses to drop.  You
grip the seat  with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but  the
little bastard  just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned  peach
between you and  the water below. If only you had some scissors...

THE WHOLE  ROLL DUMP
No matter  how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the  whole
roll and have  to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode  is
consumer waste.  Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal  supply
anything will do,  towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it  takes.

THE ENCORE  DUMP
Ahhh,  you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are  about
to leave the  auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must
therefore  return for a curtain call. The world record is  seven
encores...

THE  HOUDINI DUMP
You go,  you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep  down
the pipe or  did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as  you
can guarantee  that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the  next
person who comes  in.