Err...I'll get mi coat.....

[Mr T.]

* A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal'. The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him 'Juan'.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

"But why, honey? After all, they're identical twins." Her husband responds.

"And once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."



* Two prawns, Justin and Christian, are swimming around in the sea. They are constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrol the area.

Finally, one day, Justin says to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten."

Just as Justin is fantasising about being a big, strong predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted," and lo and behold Justin is transformed into a shark.

Horrified by what's just happened and afraid of being eaten by his old mate, Christian swims away.

After a while of being a shark, Justin finds himself becoming bored and lonely. Whenever he approaches his old mates they all scurry away.

While out swimming alone one day, Justin sees the mysterious cod again and begs the cod to work its magic and turn him back into a prawn so he can hang out with his friends again.

The cod agrees and Justin is transformed back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his little eyes, he swims back to his friends but his old pal Christian is nowhere to be seen.

"Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, completely distraught that his best friend changed sides and became a shark," the other prawns tell Justin.

So, eager to put things right again and end their mutual pain and torture, he sets off to Christian's house. Banging on the door in an attempt to make up with his pal, he shouts:

"Christian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Please come out and see me again."

"No way," Christian replies. "You're a shark, you're the enemy and not to be trusted. How do I know you won't eat me?"

"It's OK now" argues Justin "I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me.

I've changed. I've seen Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"  

[groan]

[Mr T.]

Massively un-PC this one!



An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.  Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent.

Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have s*x with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her
plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for another $200?

She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.

She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from (not bad going, see as he'd spent the last five days trying to fit his back-wheels in!!) and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so am  I" "- what street?", "Cameo Street" he says."

"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"


...........He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!

*********************************************

And then there's this one just in from our New York correspondent:

"This is a 'true story' about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University (where ever in the name of Jeeves that might be?)

It was in the local newspaper . It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the guests. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank both his own and the bride's  
family, and to thank his new father-in-law, for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give
everyone a special gift just from him.n So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had become suspicious of the pair weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge ? Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding  and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...............................$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.......................................... .....$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...........................................$8, 500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8 x 10 glossy of the bride Humping the best man...............................Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy; for everything else there's MASTERCARD."

[MATTBIN]

Did he go on the honeymoon and get some quality diving in though? After all $8,500 is a lot to waste.

Matt