Tommy Cooper

[Jules]

<font color='#736AFF'>Police arrested two kids yesterday. &nbsp;One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. &nbsp;He picks the dog up and starts winging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: &quot;Can I help, sir?&quot; &nbsp;&quot;No thanks,&quot;says the blind bloke. &quot;Just looking.&quot;


Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go &quot;Aaaaaaagghhhh&quot; and everyone just stares at you. &nbsp;But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.


He said &quot;I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.&quot; I thought &quot;That's a turn-up for the books.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said &quot;Do you earn a living doing that?&quot; He said &quot;Yes, this is my livelihood.&quot;


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me &quot;Can you give me a lift?&quot;
I said &quot;Sure, you look great, the world&quot;s your oyster, go for it.&quot;


You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said &quot;Parking Fine.&quot; So that was nice.


So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream&quot;. &quot;He said Hundreds &amp; thousands?&quot; I said &quot;We'll start with one.&quot;
He said &quot;Knickerbocker glory?&quot;. I said &quot;I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.&quot;


I went to Millets and said &quot;I want to buy a tent.&quot; He said &quot;To camp?&quot; I said (butchly) Sorry, I want to buy a tent.&quot; I said &quot;I also want to buy a caravan.&quot; He said &quot;Camper?&quot; I said (camply) &quot;Make your mind up.&quot;


So I went to the dentist. He said &quot;Say Aaah.&quot; &nbsp;I said &quot;Why?&quot; He said &quot;My dog's died.&quot;


Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought &quot;This is unusual&quot;. And the dentist said to me &quot;Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.&quot;


So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said &quot;Who's speaking please?&quot; And a voice said &quot;You are.&quot;


So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said &quot;Is that the local swimming baths?&quot; He said &quot;It depends where you're calling from.&quot;


So I rang up a local building firm, I said &quot;I want a skip outside my house.&quot; He said &quot;I'm not stopping you.&quot;


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. &nbsp;And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. &nbsp;It&quot;s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. &nbsp;Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang Up, and hesaid &quot;You've been promoted.&quot; And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said &quot;You've been promoted again.&quot; And I swerved again. &nbsp;He rang up a third time and said &quot;You're managing director.&quot; &nbsp;And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said &quot;What happened to you?&quot; And I said &quot;I careered off the road.

[JohnK]

Oh Yes !! - the greatest indeed !!!

[Paul Oliver]

Great

And they are even better if you imagine him telling them as you are reading, but then for half his laughs he did not say anything.

Very good

Paul

[Mr T.]

More Cooper:

&quot;So I went for lunch with my agent the other day, at a cheap cafe with rickety wooden tables and chairs, no linen for table clothes, just paper with a black and white chessboard pattern.

Took me 2 hours to pass the salt..............

[Duiker]

A friend of mine said Brighton was good for arthritis. He was right, I went there and got it.
So I went to the guest house door and rang the doorbell, like that, not like that, but like that. There was no answer. So I rang it again and there was still no answer. Finally I banged on the door and rang the bell and a woman stuck her head out of the upstairs window and shouted &quot;what do you want?&quot;
I said &quot;I want to stay here&quot;
She said &quot;well stay there then&quot; and closed the window!

[Duiker]

So I took my alsatian to the vet. I said
&quot;Doctor, can you have a look at my dog, he's got cross eyes&quot;
So he picked him and and looked at his eyes, like that, not like that etc.
He said &quot;I'm sorry, I'm going to have to put him down&quot;
I said &quot;what, because he's got cross eyes?&quot;
He said &quot;No, because he's heavy&quot;

[JohnK]

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

More please !!!!!!!!! &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;

[Jay]

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says &quot;I'll give you some cream to put on it.&quot;

&quot;Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.&quot; &quot;That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. &quot; &quot;Is it common?&quot; &quot;It's not unusual.&quot;

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was &nbsp;rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Guy goes into the doctor's. &quot;Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside &nbsp;How's that?&quot; - &quot;Don't you start&quot;

&quot;Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.&quot; - &quot;Well you can't say fairer than that then&quot;

[Jules]

<font color='#736AFF'>Everytime I read these I laugh out loud! I keep that list I posted for crap work days and email it to my people at work when they are really hacked off!
That guy was so great!

Jules

[Shiney]

Yes for his best gags he didn`t have to speak, I saw him in 1956, he came on stage in Manchester, he was wearing a spotty tie, he shrugged twice and laughed, ran his hand down the tie and all the spots fell off!

He then went staight into the Bottle Glass gag, Brilliant!

And stop me if you have heard this one
He said &quot;I have just bought all the latest Scuba gear and it cost £2,000 - I was in the sea swimming underwater, like that etc and I passed this fella coming the other way and he was wearing a dress suit.&quot;
So I said to him&quot;How is it i`ve just paid £2,000 for all this gear and you are just wearing a dress suit&quot; and he said &quot;I am drowning&quot;

Shiney