''Accountants!' - The Musical

[Mr T.]

Hot on the heels of Mr Brown giving us his 'Definitely - Maybe' approach on entry into the Euro, and absolutely a tad more biting than the Python sketch.......we bring you 'Accountants!'

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Accountants - and don't sulk you lot (you know who you are............!!!)

What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.


An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it"

Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.  She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take ANYTHING you want."
The second accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap the wrong way.

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The accountant said, "I like both."
"Both?"
The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.


An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week".
The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend.
But a talking frog, now that's cool.


To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[Richie]

Sir,
as a fully paid up bean counter I must object to the tone of the above article. It attempts to belittle a noble and essential profession and is totally beneath contempt.

Now if it had been about actuaries....(they wanted to be accountants but found the life too exciting).....

[Dominic]

Accountants: They know the price of everything, and the value of nothing

[MATTBIN]

Originally Posted by [b

Quote[/b] ]Accountants: They know the price of everything, and the value of nothing

In the interest of fairness, having slapped the Labour party a few times recently, that was also the quote used to describe the last Tory Govt., accurately in my view.

Matt

[Dominic]

Politicians in general, I'd say..

I suppose in Mr. Blair's case, it would be:
He knows the price of everything, so slaps a huge "SALE!" sticker on it to make it look cheaper

[MATTBIN]

Lease Expired (No.10) - Closing down sale
might be more accurate Dom, but then again what's the 'opposition' like - Dire. Oh well I suppose there's always the LibDems or whatever they are called. And that is my summing up of the next Gen. Election, we'll see.

Matt

[Mr T.]

Only on YD could a humourous posting turn into a politcal treatise!  

I'd like to see ballot papers that read thus:

"Please place an 'X' in the box of your choice:

A. The Labour Party (Bambi-gone-bad)
B. The Conservative Party (Another sticky bun, Vicar?)
C. The 'Taken in the Round, No One is Really Bad and Isn't Everyone Really Nice - Group Hug!' Liberal Democratic Party
D. None of the Above

or, alternatively, an addition to the ranks:

E. The 'Best Party I've Ever Been to' Party.


 

[Dominic]

Oh no, we're turning into rec.scuba

It's sad but true that the opposition is so laughable right now.

There should be an option on the ballot box "Everybody is crap, I don't want any of them to get in" - if enough people voted for that one, (And they probably would) maybe they'd rethink the whole system and find a better way of doing it.

Like flipping a coin.

[MATTBIN]

Is that a Euro or Pound coin.
Sorry guys I'm bored so I'm off wandering in the brain dept. I've got sinus trouble, the boy cant dive till after his exams and I hate my neighbours kids, arrogant disrespectful brats, who wont piss off my front garden when I tell 'em. Arggghhh!

Matt

[Dominic]

Put a sprinkler in the front garden and switch it on whenever they come in then..

To avoid controversy, an old penny coin.

I think Prince William should stand for prime minister: Be the first Prince/King ever to be voted into power