How to Poo at work

[endoman]

HOW TO POO AT WORK

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for
other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.
If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees.

[Whoji]

Ah Ha, some one else who got the Marks and Spencer Toilet humour book.

[divingdancer]

we had this printed on huge sheets and taped to the wall behind the loo door at work. oddly enough people did spend a bit longer in there after that. very amusing but we moved office and they wont let us put it back up now!!!

[Sparky750]

A better way to avoid a WATERMELON is surely to have a little toilet paper floating on the water thus absorbing the bomb and preventing wet ring

[Hickdive]

There is only one rule - crap in the employer's time, not your own

[DIVE BUDDHA]

Originally Posted by Sparky750

A better way to avoid a WATERMELON is surely to have a little toilet paper floating on the water thus absorbing the bomb and preventing wet ring

how do you know about a wet ring steve ? now your worrying me lol

[SilvaFish]

Originally Posted by Sparky750

A better way to avoid a WATERMELON is surely to have a little toilet paper floating on the water thus absorbing the bomb and preventing wet ring

Ahhh.... splashback. :shades:

In these cold climes, it can make you jump!

[Snash]

Have a green (or should that be a brown ).

Reason for the green - the Havana Omlet (sic).

Got back from Havana on Monday and the wife hasn't stopped since we got back.

Snash

[fatlaz]

I have also heard tell *ahem* that if working in a multilevel building where management types occupy a floor that they have the nicest toilets and paper. Specific disabled toilets can also be a godsend, especially if no disabled people work in your building, they often have extractor fans, again, or so I hear

[Arfie]

Do you have a guide on how to Poo on a verge in Wales by any chance?

Arfie