In Doctor Frosty's Absence....., Nurse Scubee is here

[Scubee]

Doctor Frosty has asked me to look after his mailbag for a little while....

Dear Nurse Scubee
You may already know of my problem, but I would welcome your expert opinion. It would seem that a vital peice of my equipment has failed to perform adequately and despite guarantees, I cannot make any of my usual sparklingly witty additions to my favourite forum. I consulted people who said they were friends... all they could do was gather round, demand beer in payment, and they all failed to fix it. Iam at a loss as to what to do. People will need my support.. I need to be able to sort out their problems... What can you do to help?
Yours
Doctor Frosty

Dear Doctor Frosty.
My word. I am so sorry to hear of your trouble. I had heard you were messing around with things you know nothing about but i didn't realise it was a serious problem which affected your drive. No matter how hard it is, it needs to be treated carefully, with love and respect. You need to give it plenty of time to recover and if you find the right person, I am sure it can be sorted out in a week or so. In the meantime, I will look after your mailbag and answer any of the problems your readers have.
Love Nurse Scubee

And the first thing I get is a letter from BB in the North East...(I have translated it for ease of reading)

Dear Dr Frosty
I hope you can help. Yesterday, I finally got my new drysuit into the water. Do you have any tips on how I can keep it looking lovely and clean? Have you seen the pictures?
Thank you
BB

Dear BB
I saw it and admired it my dear and i am sure it will keep you toasty for years to come. It looks a little small though. Do you need to get it altered? Anyway.. to the matter in hand. Firstly, let it get dirty. Really dirty. The dirtier it is, the better it looks. Roll around in the mud a few times, but make sure that the Pikey Diver isn't looking otherwise he might want to join in the fun. Then when it is really filthy, put it in your buddy's car. Your buddy will confuse it with his, and clean it for you. A perfect solution.

HTH
Nurse Scubee


Then I had this from YF in the North West

Dear Dr Frosty
Please help me. i am obsessed with poo. What can i do?
HELP!!!!
YF

Dear YF
Fear not. Pooing is something that only boys do. Girls of course, do it rarely, and when they do, it is very clean and smells of roses. Men on the other hand do it all the time, in strange places and it smells terrible. Your current obsession will pass (into a hole in the ground, if you are lucky) - it is only the current Chocolate Season which is confusing your brain. Girls brains are, of course, run by chocolate. Eventually, you will recover without any treatment other than a good chocolate eating session. This therapy needs to be done on a regular basis. I normally administer a heavy dose at the start of treatment, followed by smaller doses on a daily basis. When shall i call by?
Yours
Nurse Scubee

[Adrian Kelland]

Dear Nurse Scubee,

A few days ago one of our more junior medically trained (well he can hold a thermometer) expressed his concerns regarding the odd behaviour of his equipment.

I offered a service whereby I would examine his equipment in the view of third parties so no accusations could be made regarding the handing of said equipment. When I arrived, the aforementioned member was already displaying his equipment to anyone interested. Fortunately this interest was limited and I was able make my own examination without further delay. The equipment was obviously damaged as it responded in a much slower manner than would be reasonably expected.

The aforementioned member made comments of his concern that could his repeated use of pornography have led to the current symptoms displayed by his equipment. I expressed by opinion that is was unlikely, but he did not appear to have heard this as the subject was repeatedly broached. That or a concern that where a mouse was put could be the root cause.

After a long examination I was able to determine the most likely cause, however a series of treatments I applied would not remedy the situation. I thus had to suggest that he would have to take his equipment to the supplier and have it out with them until he was satisfied.

I has not heard anything more. I am now under the impression that your additional responsibility is related to this persons equipment failure. It is not often that I fail to solve such equipment problems, but such is life.

I do hope that your additional workload does not impose too great a burden and that the normal role holder is able to use alternative equipment to make good his duties.

Yours,

A Kelland CNG.

[Odin]

Naw..
Frosty Fu*ked his 'puter....

[Scubee]

This seems to be a complex issue. I have some more letters form people requiring help

Originally Posted by AK

Dear Nurse Scubee,

A few days ago one of our more junior medically trained (well he can hold a thermometer) expressed his concerns regarding the odd behaviour of his equipment.

I offered a service whereby I would examine his equipment in the view of third parties so no accusations could be made regarding the handing of said equipment. When I arrived, the aforementioned member was already displaying his equipment to anyone interested. Fortunately this interest was limited and I was able make my own examination without further delay. The equipment was obviously damaged as it responded in a much slower manner than would be reasonably expected.

The aforementioned member made comments of his concern that could his repeated use of pornography have led to the current symptoms displayed by his equipment. I expressed by opinion that is was unlikely, but he did not appear to have heard this as the subject was repeatedly broached. That or a concern that where a mouse was put could be the root cause.

After a long examination I was able to determine the most likely cause, however a series of treatments I applied would not remedy the situation. I thus had to suggest that he would have to take his equipment to the supplier and have it out with them until he was satisfied.

I has not heard anything more. I am now under the impression that your additional responsibility is related to this persons equipment failure. It is not often that I fail to solve such equipment problems, but such is life.

I do hope that your additional workload does not impose too great a burden and that the normal role holder is able to use alternative equipment to make good his duties.

Yours,

A Kelland CNG.

Dear AK
I am afraid to tell you that I amy be unable to help you resolve your obvious emotional difficulty. It is true that many people (particularly males) find failure too difficult to deal with.
I suggest you take a leaf out of the book written for just this type of situation:



I am aware that within its pages, you will find a solution to the problem. I can't quote it here, but it involves rope. I am sure that once you have invoked the powerful solution contained, you will no longer have a problem with failure. actually, you will no longer have any problems at all.
I hope that helps
Nurse Scubee

yet another call for assistance...

Originally Posted by O

Naw..
Frosty Fu*ked his 'puter....

Dear O
I think you will find that Dr Frosty's pornographic problems did not extent to such dangerous uses of his equipment. He limits his exposure to more normal levels.
Stop accusing him of bestiality.
Love
Nurse Scubee


And finally for this afternoons surgery, one from RM who claims to live in the outback...

Dear Nurse Scubee
Can you give me something to treat the sunburn i have recieved in the current heatwave. I am also concerned about the attitude of some folk who seem to think that sun and warmth is somewhat unusual in March.
Please help
RM
Tasmania

Dear RM
F**k off git. I hope you suffer badly at the hands of Betty Swollocks, my colleague who covers your area.
Love
Nurse Scubee

[DIVE BUDDHA]

dear nurse scubee is the surgery still open

[Odin]

[quote=Scubee;881650
Dear O
I think you will find that Dr Frosty's pornographic problems did not extent to such dangerous uses of his equipment. He limits his exposure to more normal levels.
Stop accusing him of bestiality.
Love
Nurse Scubee
[/quote]

Er.. no...
Frosty F*cked his 'puter!

I've known him a Long time - we even paid our "Get Out Of Jail" fine together...

I saw the marks on the screen last night...
Obviously some form of bodily fluid....

Frosty F*cked his 'puter...

[Scubee]

Originally Posted by DIVE BUDDHA

dear nurse scubee is the surgery still open

Dear DB
I assume your problem is urgent.
Very well. Surgery will remain open for a little while. I have a nice bottle of red here so fire away young man!
Nurse Scubee

[Scubee]

Originally Posted by Odin

Er.. no...
Frosty F*cked his 'puter!

I've known him a Long time - we even paid our "Get Out Of Jail" fine together...

I saw the marks on the screen last night...
Obviously some form of bodily fluid....

Frosty F*cked his 'puter...

Dear O
I will have to object. I really cannot see the Wonderful Doctor Frosty doing any such thing. That is a most distastful suggestion. I am sure you must have my Doctor Frosty confused with someone else.
Yourself perhaps?
Love Nurse Scubee

[Odin]

No confusion...
he had a problem with his "Bolt" - spent all one summer playing with it...
I removed his "nut"... and then I had to give it a little tweek then he could get it out...

Frosty F*cked his 'puter....!

[purple vonny]

I'd like to warn you all that Ms Scubee is no more a real nurse than that woman Gillian Mc whatsit is a real doctor.

If she asks you for a poo sample - just say "no".