Can You do the Haka??

[Mr T.]

Following complaints made to the International Rugby Board (IRB) about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.

2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

3.. The Ireland team will split into two; the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

4.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

5.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 - whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

6.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'; which will be a record of how their team, from a position of not actually playing in the tournament, actually went through to win the competition by a record margin.......

7.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom whilst complaining that the competition rules need to be changed so that all line-calls and ref's decisions are announced in French......

8.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear and plenty of hair 'product', sexually harass the female stewards and then run away. An interview with their coach will reveal that they consider this to be a winning strategy for them and one which they have no intention of changing.

9.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard. They will then refuse to play until they are all given access to mobile phones (the bills for which the IRB will have to meet) on which they can call their respective mothers.

10.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

11.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH & the KIWIS) and burn the officials.

12.. The Australians will have a 'barbie' before negotiating lucrative singing (the fact that very few of them can actually sing worth a damn seems of apparently secondary importance)and Soap Opera TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush and Earl's Court, where they will bore the tits off the locals by talking endlessly about how good 'back home' is.

13.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

14.. The 'Pykies' team refused to play in the tournament on the grounds that no provision was being made for either their caravans or dog-track.....and anyway, all the lead off the church-roofs in the area was taken years ago ("by mi uncles, as it goes....&quot, making appearance at the competition "particularly unprofitable" for them.....

[susan]

The England Team after winging about the weather will wait for the summer then invade the spanish team. Whereby they will drink copiously of larger, turn lobster red, and be really offended when not every Spanish player speaks their lingo.