Oil change

[Dominic]

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

MONEY SPENT

Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00

TOTAL $21.00

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy
a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree, write a check for $50 .00

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check
for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on
you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face
and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled  oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver
through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental
penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to
finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil
change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it
to be recycle!

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the
back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox
to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid
environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the
floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe
eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid
crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on
frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to
stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT

Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00

TOTAL -- $4165.00

BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT