Death and stuff...

[Diving Dude]

Too right Terry, get on with life.

This is from someone who lost both his parents by the time he was 21, all his grandparents by 23 and his father in law by 24.

[Jay_Benson]

Originally Posted by angleseydiver

Ahhh..I've been busy.

What I was going to do was try to garner opinion on whether I'm a heartless b*stard or a realist in matters of tending graves vs getting on with life.

Probably, but that doesn't mean that you are a bad person. Sometimes people do not let go of their dearly departed - that does not make them bad people either unless it adversely affects dependants in which case they could be considered a little bad - but hardly dreadfully bad.

I went out for a walk today with family and friends and we passed a cross screwed to a tree and flowers at the site of a fatal car crash some 2 years ago. Personally I do not like these roadside memorials - they seem to have sprung up since Diana died 10 years ago. They are distracting when driving and are unpleasant to have outside your home (we are unafected by this angle). A local council have a policy of removing the flowers after a suitable time and not encouraging permanent memorials. If the bereaved need to go somewhere to mourn then the graveside would be a better place.

Perhaps I am a hard nosed basta*d as well. Just don't erect a memorial to me when I die at the place I peg out - I don't want it.

Anyway that will be a way off I hope!

[hogen-deifar]

Originally Posted by angleseydiver

What I was going to do was try to garner opinion on whether I'm a heartless b*stard or a realist in matters of tending graves vs getting on with life.

It's down to an individual to decide and I personally don't think anyone should judge another for either tending a grave/memorial or alternatively NOT looking after theirs.

For the first year after Mum and my daughter died (their ashes share the same "grave because we wanted Mum to look after her, if that makes sense?) I religiously went to the grave every weekend without fail. And it became compulsive. Then one day I realised it wasn't their home. They're with us, in our hearts and memories, and I now only go once or twice a year, and not on anniversaries. I go when I need peace and to talk to Mum. Do I feel guilty, when I see the grave next to Mum of a little girl who died the same year from meningitis is completely perfect and clearly tended regularly? A little, but not enough to make me go there once a week. I personally don't need to keep it neat to remember her. I remember her/them every day and still do 14 years.

It is each to his own and we all find our own way that suits us.

[Sooty Stoo]

The only thing to really care about is whether on your death bed you can say "I'm not ashamed, regretful, or empty inside"

Live life and enjoy it!!

[TerryH]

Depends and yes this is personal.

My brother-in-law and sisters grave still hasnt got a headstone after about
6 years. Three years later my mother & father died, not being able to
place flowers on a gravestone. Mother was so upset by this that she left a
provision in her will. It's still not done BTW.

The grave is "owned" by my nephews and we cant do anything without
there permission.

Here you have a woman who went to her death, not being able to grieve
over her daughter in the way that she was brought up, while her grandsons
put little (if any) importance to tending the grave.

Whatever we think as individuals, if there are family and friends that take
comfort in visiting these sites, we have a duty to maintain them.

So yes spout "get on with life" etc, but remember that there are some who
need for want of a better phrase "a point of reference".

I dont think I could be as selfish to deny them that, but suppose it really
depends on who is still left around to care.

[Bantam]

I've always made it clear that when I die, I just want to have a funeral (with about 3 people in attendance) and then cremate me and pour me into the sea.

Don't mourn me - enjoy life, and move on.

You only get one chance.

(This is IMHO btw)