Primary School Football

[Welshdiver]

PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment
meted out to latecomers back to the classroom.

In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to
stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who
will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the
last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers",
and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to
physically retrieve them, known as "nutters". This sliding scale is intended
to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often having
dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining participants
drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair
balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved
over a sustained period of play -lunchtime, for instance - is not totally
nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.
The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in
the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play, and may be the
matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners
(see Adjudication).

Parameters The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles
of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout
the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing
weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each jacket
added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on the
inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is also
important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the
goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post"
and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve denotes the
innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post. The on-going
reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any respectable
defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and
imagination. In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target
area is observed as being slightly above head height, although when the
height at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement
shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known
as the "best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with
physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.

In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted
by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads,
water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking
winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him
head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as
quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is "not a
full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of
players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks. It is the formal
response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he
places the ball.

Tactics:
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from among
a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side
is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This
formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and
territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and
strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes
referred to in practice as "Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to
a style of play that is best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of
the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the
pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital every last
one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.

Stoppages:
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring
treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having
adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and
play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in
the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless
subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is
negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to
decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the
drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play.

Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck ball and any
others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden
territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible
for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or
the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that
A: "you can't make me"; or B: "It's not my ball anyway".

2. Bigger boys steal ball. A highly irritating interruption, the length of
which is determined by the players' experience in dealing with this sort of
thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will
improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the
younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and
unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and
engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage
indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players' older brother
is "Mad Paul Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure
minimum delay.

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or
local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed,
ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of
failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the
heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.

Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to
play with it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this without
actually having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required
in these circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems highly
unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result in the more serious
stoppage: Menopausal old bag calls police.

Celebration
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands
in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces.
Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to the importance
of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance, making it 34-12
does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the
cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution. A fabulous solo
dismantling of the defence or 25-yard (actually eight yards, but calculated
as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch" rocket shot will
elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous
of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will
be heralded with the epithet "poaching *******" from the opposing defence
amidst mild acknowledgement from team-mates. Applying an unnecessary final
touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose
from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when
defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved
kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored
by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it falls
into any of the latter three categories.

Penalties
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will
defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one
more for a hat trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers:
the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best
Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and
the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front,
the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the
subject of temporary substitutions at penalties, forced to give up their
position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos
attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks, and are ******ed if
"little Billy" is going to steal any of it.

Close Season
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend
dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is
on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for
about an hour and a half until they reckon that it really is as boring to
play as it is to watch.