Jokes for a Tuesday!

[divegyrl]

<font color='#8D38C9'>Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money: between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said &quot;Hang on, I have an idea.&quot; He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said &quot;Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all&quot;.

Murphy replied &quot;Don't worry - just follow me.&quot; He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guiness and two glasses of Jamieson whiskey.

Shamus said &quot;Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!&quot;

Murphy replied, with a smile &quot;Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!&quot;

They downed their drinks. Murphy said &quot;OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.&quot;

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said &quot;Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm pissed and me knees are killin' me!&quot;

Murphy said &quot;How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.&quot;



A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring.

He replies, &quot;I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.&quot;


She answers, &quot;My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.&quot;

&quot;Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me.&quot;

She responds, &quot;Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.&quot;

The cab driver is very excited and says, &quot;Yes, I am single; and I'm Catholic too!&quot;

&quot;OK&quot; the Nun says. &quot;Pull into the next alley.&quot; He does and the Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

&quot;My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?&quot;

&quot;Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.&quot;

The nun says, &quot;That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.


Blanaid (supposed to be tidying the spare room!)

[divegyrl]

<font color='#8D38C9'>Who's The Daddy?

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes the
prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

Blanaid (logging off now!)