Genuine complaints to local councils

[HelenM]

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

And he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore

It’s the dogs’ mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think that it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in 3 pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it is now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a 3rd so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2

[kath2407]

I work in a council housing department and have nearly wet myself laughing at these!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right cheered up a dull monday!!!!!

K

[Crisspy Fiver]

Quality.

LMAO

Jamie

[wannadivenotwork]

Fantastic!

Anyone got any more of this type?

[NeilB]

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

[This last exchange involves a child.]

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

Q. How many children do you have?
A. Three.
Q. How many are boys?
A. Three.
Q. And how many are girls?

[Fiji Dave]

Originally Posted by wannadivenotwork

Fantastic!

Anyone got any more of this type?

Well, not really so funny (at least not from my point of view)

This is the conversation I had this morning with my local council's council tax dept.

Me: "Can you send me a form for a single person council tax discount as my partner has gone to live in the seychelles"
Them: "We need her to write to us and tell us that her name is no longer on the account"
Me: "She's already done that"
Them: "No, she wrote to tell us she didn't live there anymore"
Me: "And that's not the same thing?"
Them: "No, so I'm afraid you won't qualify for a discount"
Me: "Despite the fact that I now live alone and my partner has gone off to live in a country thousands of miles away on a different continent, that doesn't qualify me as being a single occupant?"
Them, "No sir, there are two names on your bill"
Me: (in slight desparation as I can see where this is headed) "Yes, and one of them wrote and told you that she no longer lived there"
Them: "yes, but she didn't specifically say that she was no longer to be included on the account"
Me: "I'm sorry, perhaps I'm being a bit naive here, but if someone writes to you to say they are leaving the country, they are no longer living at the address you have for them and that they are, in fact, moving thousands of miles away, you don't actually take that as meaning the same as 'no longer being on the council tax account'?
Them: "That's right sir"
Me "So, even though she is now thousands of miles away, using none of the local services here, requiring no police cover, not making use of any streetlighting or anything else covered by the council tax bill, I am still not entitled to the single person discount?"
Them: "that's right"


...speechless....