Life imitating Life: Faux Pas, Numpties and Ouch!

[Mr T.]

News 'Anchors' Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, along with a U.S. Marine assigned to protect them were hiking through the Iraq desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to a village, and brought before the leader. The leader said, “I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish; so, before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?”

Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”

Peter Jennings said, “I am Canadian, so I’d like to hear the song ‘O Canada’ one last time.” The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die happy.”

The leader turned and said, “And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine. “What?” asked the leader, “will you mock us in your last hour?

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9-mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M-4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings and Roberts, they asked him, “Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?”

“What,” replied the Marine, “and have you three assholes call me the aggressor?”

[Mr T.]

Now all we need is the self-donning condom nad we're good to go


Toothpaste that fixes cavities as they appear
By Roger Highfield, Science Editor
(Filed: 24/02/2005)

A toothpaste has been developed that can rapidly and seamlessly fix little cavities without need for drilling.

Dental paste of synthetic tooth enamel could revolutionise treatment of tiny early lesions, says the study published today in the journal Nature by Dr Kazue Yamagishi, of the FAP Dental Institute, Tokyo.

Tooth decay is normally treated by removal of the affected part, then filling the hole with a resin or metal alloy. This is less than ideal because a lot of healthy tooth must be removed to make the fillings stick.

Dr Yamagishi and colleagues developed a crystalline white paste of modified hydroxyapatite, which is chemically and structurally similar to natural enamel, and used it to repair early damage to a lower premolar tooth.

An electron microscope showed that the natural and artificial enamel became integrated as if they were one substance.

The paste seamlessly repaired early damage caused by acid forming bacteria.

[Mr T.]

Children married to four dogs

Two young boys and two girls have been married to four puppies to ward off evil in the village of Kuluptang, in the small northern Indian state of Jharkhand.

The mother of Durga, one of the boys who is only a year old, said that if the first tooth of a baby came out in the upper jaw it was considered "inauspicious" for the family and the dog marriage had to be performed.

[Pierre Farrugia]

Be proud to be British because...

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the
way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries,and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the
pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on
the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we
didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of
an ice skating rink.


NOT TO MENTION.........

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.


142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screw drivers

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree
while the fairy lights were plugged in.

9 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolates.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker
pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a
lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of
control Scalextric cars.

AND FINALLY......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull
whilst throwing up into the toilet............................

RULE BRITANNIA!!


I go for my coat !!!

[Decodiver]

Pierre my son you're a fucking star!

How's your box doing?

Cheers

Dave

[Scuba1]

Exelent .....incoming


Michael

[Mr T.]

NB: Moneyback if you don't get a 'Bleedin Result'

[Mr T.]

Sound needed. Naughty language, not advisable for kids, and you won't ncessarily agree with the clip's message. Good, are we clear?

http://www.illwillpress.com/tech.html

[Mr T.]

At 30 stone, Andy Fordham is the new face of sport
By Catriona Davies
(Filed: 25/03/2005)

When he signed up for a television diet programme, he weighed 30 stone and drank 25 bottles of lager a day and got out of breath walking down the street: meet Andy Fordham, the new face of English sport.

Mr Fordham, 42, a contestant on Celebrity Fit Club, on which he struggled to improve his lifestyle and so far has lost more than two stone, is a world champion at darts, which gained official recognition as a sport yesterday.

Andy Fordham, athlete

Sport England said it was satisfied that darts required the "physical and mental skills" to qualify as a legitimate sporting activity.

As far as the Government is concerned, the announcement means that darts authorities can now take advantage of tax incentives for sports.

More important for darts players, however, is that it gives them the recognition they long believed they deserve, as well as the possibility of greater sponsorship.

"Ninety-five per cent of the public who know anything about darts already consider it a sport," said Matt Porter, of the Professional Darts Corporation.

"This is just powers-that-be taking the time to sit round a table and discuss it."

The fact that most darts is played in pubs is irrelevant in deciding whether its players are athletes, explained Mr Porter. "Most local leagues are played in pubs but that just happens to be the traditional venue of darts. It's a very social game."

Sport England's decision, which followed a darts exhibition at Parliament, came after Richard Caborn, the sports minister, said that darts did not involve sufficient "physical training and recreation" to receive money from sporting bodies.

Mr Porter countered: "If you stood on the stage for as long as those players, under that much stress and playing for that amount of money, you'd agree darts is physically demanding."

Darts was the second most popular sport, after football, on television and played by three million people.

Roger Draper, chief executive of Sport England, said the board had looked beyond the "stereotypical image" of darts in making its decision.

He said: "The presentation of darts as a pub game has helped to popularise its cult appeal but the reality is that it is a sport played by many thousands across the country in locations ranging from schools to village halls, social clubs and sports centres."

Mr Draper said darts would receive no public funding in the immediate future, as Sport England's four-year funding strategy had recently been confirmed.

The elevated status of darts may have drawbacks, however, for some enthusiasts.

Players are already banned from drinking on stage, and there is talk that they could soon be breathalysed to limit them to two pints before a game. "An increasing number of players are shying away from drinking anyway," said Mr Porter.

Bob Russell, a Liberal Democrat MP who has campaigned for darts to be recognised, said sports bodies in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland would have to follow suit for the new status to be complete.

"It's already recognised as a sport in other countries. It's a popular activity around the world."

Mr Fordham, who once had to retire from a game with heat exhaustion, said in a recent interview: "You try standing there with all those lights and the heat. Shooting is an Olympic sport, so why can't darts be?"

[Mr T.]

'Give me $50,000 or Toby the bunny rabbit is history'
By Louisa Gault
(Filed: 27/03/2005)

Animal lovers around the world have expressed outrage at a website whose owner has threatened to butcher, cook and eat a pet bunny called Toby unless he receives $50,000 (£27,000) in donations by the end of June.

The website, SaveToby.com, features photographs of the wheat-coloured, innocent-eyed rabbit and claims that his owner found him injured on the roadside and nursed him back to health.


$50,000 or Toby gets it

It then adds: "Unfortunately, on June 30, 2005, Toby will die. I am going to eat him. I am going to take Toby to a butcher to have him slaughter this cute bunny. I will then prepare Toby for a midsummer feast."

Leaving little to the imagination, there are pages of recipes on the site. Lapin Braisé (take "One Toby cut in serving-sized pieces, flour for dusting with salt and pepper"), Moroccan Hare Tagine ("Ingredients: Toby, olive oil, cinnamon, ginger, saffron") and Toby Confit ("Place Toby's legs together with the sliced garlic and rock salt in a bowl overnight").

The recipes are illustrated with pictures of a startled-looking Toby in a cooking pot surrounded by vegetables, on a chopping board, and on a plate surrounded by lettuce tomatoes and salad.

His owner, who does not give his name, claims: "I don't want to eat Toby, he is my friend, and he has always been the most loving, adorable pet.

"However, God as my witness, I will devour this little guy unless I receive $50,000 into my account from donations or purchase of merchandise."

Among the 90 items on offer at the site are "Save Toby" T-shirts, sweatshirts and mugs.

It is unclear whether Toby's owner is serious about his threat or whether he is simply running a money-making hoax, but the send-money-or-Fluffy-gets-it scheme appears to be working.


Click to enlarge

The site claims to have received almost $20,000 (nearly £11,000) since it began a couple of months ago.

Whether it is a hoax or blackmail, animal welfare groups have reacted with outrage, describing the scam as "disturbing and heartless".

The Rabbit Welfare Association, Britain's largest rabbit charity, said that the website was "disturbing" and has appealed to the public not to make donations to such sites.

Rae Todd, the association's spokesman, said: "The best course of action is to do nothing."

The Humane Society of America agreed. "A site like this promotes, glamorises and trivialises animal cruelty, and could influence impressionable people.

"People could look at this site and think, this guy's making a profit - let's do similar things to make money."

A spokesman for the United Kingdom branch of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (Peta) said: "Such sites are in very poor taste but, unfortunately, are usually legal.

"Since these heartless people are encouraged by attention, the most effective way to discourage them is to avoid visiting their sites and to urge others to do the same.

"Websites that either depict or suggest cruelty to animals are typically created by people who feel threatened by animal rights or who simply want to get attention."

Although both Peta and the Rabbit Welfare Trust suggested that the scheme could be a hoax, the site's operator, who identified himself as "James" in an interview with The Washington Post, said that he and his business partner were in their twenties and lived on the East Coast of America.

"We've received hundreds of death threats," said "James", who admitted that it was not his real name. Asked if he was going to eat Toby, he replied: "There's no doubt about it."

SaveToby.com's money-making days may be at an end however. After receiving a flood of complaints from animal-lovers, PayPal, the on-line payment service the website was using to get donations, decided last month that the site violated its "offensive-materials" standards.

"I get a little sick to my stomach every time I look at that site," admitted Amanda Pires, a PayPal spokesman.

http://savetoby.com/