Off topic Rant, feel free to ignore.

[Garf]

If it's not diving, or gadget, related, I can't be bothered with shopping. In fact, I despise it with a passion you wouldn't believe.

Today, my wife is after a new dress, and some body lotion. Let's start with the lotion. This will no doubt be the latest fad from television, crammed full of concentrated "madeupsicum nonsensicum". It will no doubt cost an unbeilevable amount of cash, and have to be distributed by women who appear to have applied their own make up in an attempt to give themselves a sure thing at becoming an extra as an oompa loompa in Charlie and chocolate factory. There's another thing. Why? You want to sell women phenomenally expensive chemicals to enhance their self-esteem and appearance by enhacing their natural beauty without being overt or unsubtle, so you sell it to them wearing make up that is two inches thick and bright orange. Perhaps it's a throwback to some genetic memory and the clietele are supposed to be attracted to the most dazzling colours. Or perhaps its a time saving event in the morning, they just apply their makeup on monday and let is wear down all week. This stuff is allegedly referred to as "foundation". Perhaps as foundation they are subject to national house building council regulations and it must be 12 inches thick at all times. Back to the body lotion, crammed full of "boloxium notrealium" or whatever collection of syllables the advertising executives have thrown in a hat and come up with this week. Last week I saw an advert that announced the product was packed full of hydro-oxiginating vapours", in other words, it's got water in it. Latesly, I've seen adverts for "boswelox". That one has me in fits of laughter every time I see it. Total and utter boswelox, more like. The marketing people, or "stand candy" as they are known on the corporate show circuit, must be laughing their boswelox-enhanced, bright orange, hydro-oxygenated faces off, and wondering what boswelox they can get women to fall for this week. And fall for it they do. My wife is far more sensibe, level-headed, and frankly intelligent than me. Yet when these adverts appear, a mist comes down over her head, her mind is wiped, and she must have the latest body oil, facial scrub, or almost invisible makeup. Almost invisible, for the love of christ. I'm going to get hold of some empty make up bottles and sell it as "totally invisible foundation". These poor women then go in their droves to see the orange women, and pay, and this beggered belief. £24 for a 2g bottle of what is basically no more technologcially advanced than the same stuff my old granny used to use to melt the warts on her legs. "Makes you feel ten years younger". Well, I dunno about her, but it makes me feel ten years younger watching her buy it. I remember how poor we were ten years ago, and yup, a few of these bottles would make us feel exactly like that. Then there's the time it takes. All of these products are "subtle" and react "in harmony with your body". So WTF is the point of spraying 52 of them on your wrist and then smelling it, because the only smell that remains is one of something that is best described as "eau du tart". Also, putting it directly under my nose and asking me if i can tell the difference between this one and number 17 is a complete waste of time. 15 minutes ago, number 28 burned out the insides of ny nasal cavaties, started my nose bleeding, and left me staggering around the shop, trying to gouge my own eyes out to achieve relief from the pain. since then, it's all been a bit pointless asking me for assistance. Number 32 made my ears pop, my hands have been shaking uncontrollably since number 36, and I think I felt my bladder go somewhere in the early 40's. I've been crying since number 44, and between 45 and 50 I definitely experienced an alternate state of mind. And now you want to know if I can tell the difference? When the day began yesterday I woke up to the smell of the coffee machine and bradmaker preparing my early morning feast. Today I woke up screaming. Today we are going shopping again. This time, and I am crying even as I type these words, my wife spoke the words designed to install the fear of god into any man. the words that should be banned. Today we are just going to look for "nice things for the house". This means we are going into every shop that takes her fancy, with no plan or agenda in mind, to randomly pick things up, turn them around, and them put them back on the shelf. Every now and again comments such as "maybe not for us, but it would make a nice present for..." will be uttered, and I have to give the traditional repsonse "We can always come back nearer the time" to avoid the 15 minutes of umming and ahhing that will no doubt accompany each and every purchase. This will take all day.

JAG got to go diving this weekend, and I didn't . harrumph.

[Odin]

time for you medication???
But I totally concur....

[Helen F H]

OI, i dont do that! I use bloody E-45 to get rid of any dry bits, the make up i have is one lipstick and one thingy of zit zapper. Last clothing i got was off Ian.

However, get me in a dive shop........

Actually.......when ever we go to a nearby town i get dragged into Halfords for an hour under the guise of we need some oil for the car. He spends most of this time drooling over shiney bits for the car (there is no point in getting shiney bits for it when the main bulk of it looks like crap) or shiney bits for his bike (which is in my mums shed and sees the light of day about twice a year). Tool kits are fondled and the excuse of "well you broke/lost/stole mine so i need another one" comes out. We will walk out of the shop with a couple of carrier bags filled with carbon look gearstick covers, compact tool kits and aerodynamic waterbottles, usually forgetting to buy the oil we went in for.

[LisaR]

I hate shopping, I do however enjoy buying. If I see something I like I buy it regardless of whether i need it. Im one of those women who think "this may come in handy". It saves a lot of time & stress when I do need that colour of shoes, bag, dress, top, skirt, underwear set, etc etc though I will still swear I havent got quite the right colour, shade, shape, size etc thus HAVING to do the search for "it".
As for creams, lotions, potions etc, there is only 1 cream a woman needs & its used by all the stars. It does averything.... Tightens the bags under the eyes, reduces wrinkles. moisturises, tones, & its only about £3 for 25g. The Active Ingredients are;
Yeast Cell Extract 1%
Shark Liver Oil 3% (sorry)
Also contains;
White Soft Paraffin
Light Liquid Paraffin
Liquid Paraffin
Wool Fat
Wool Alcohols
Thyme oil Red
Chlorhexidine Acetate &
Glycerin

Or in short
PreparationH
Also good for
HAEMORRHOID relief

[zepp]

GARF., what a 'top man'

Can I have your permission to print what you say off, and leave a copy up in our house.?

also, do you HAVE to go shopping/, why not just hand over your hard-earned cash and tell her on her way, while you relax in the sun.

[Lou]

Garf, I am sorry, I have no sympathy. I have endured over two weeks of randomly wandering around car dealerships, looking at used cars. Often the same car time and time again.

I have had to spend hours getting the car we have valued umpteen times for part exchange.

I have had to read multiple reviews on multiple websites of multiple cars.

I have then had to return to look at the same cars once more, in case they have miraculously metamorphised overnight into something slightly different but more suitable.

Let me tell you about suitable. Suitable is the type of car we decided on - a diesel hatchback with good fuel economy. So why is every car that catches Caroline's eye a massive 4x4 that would consume the oil budget of Romania on my daily commute??

Yesterday was the climax of this torture. yesterday i decreed that it had to come to an end and we weren't going to wait another two weeks to see a car that might come in to the local Ford dealership on part exchange for a car they had almost sold. Nor was I going to spend half my working day fending off phone calls from the 12 year old who works at the not-so-local Ford dealership offering me every car under the sun except for the one i wanted, in the price bracket I had asked for.

So, we went tot he "motor park". I showed her the car I had found the day before. we test drove it. We liked it. We got a good px offer on our car.....and then we spent 4 hours -yes FOUR bloody hours - walking around looking at other cars and debating over the first, perfectly suitable, car. The reason? It didn't have a centre console - you know, that plastic bit that you can hold cups in and old, furry sweets. that was it. That was the sticking point.

The salesman found us sat ont he kerb at the end of his carpark. Caroline was debating this point out loud and i was trying to cut my wrists with a plastic teaspoon I had found in my handbag. If that didn't work I was going to take my eyeballs out instead.

Having sold two cars in the chasm of hours since we had last met the salesman was in a good mood and when our dilemma was put to him, along with the point that the new, face-lifted version of this perfectly suitable car had a plastickly bit he kindly went away and agreed with his manager that they would fit one for us, FOC.

I owe my life to this salesman. He deserves a medal for the humanity shown in ending my ordeal. I thank him.

Lou

[Scuba1]

Well Garf, think yourself lucky, that you got spared " the IKEA run" walking around in cirles for 12 days non stop, because that yellow pillow cover has to be somewhere in here , they had it in the advertising................AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRGGGGGGGG It took me hours to adjust to direct sunlight again and not being run over by a trolley for more then 15 seconds was a fantastic feeling. My own bed .......ah bliss, as oposed to the ocasional cat nap in a pile of those blue IKEA bags. Now I seem to develop a twitch and a limp whenever the I..... word is mentioned.

Happy shopping

Michael

[zepp]

Originally Posted by Lou

Garf, I am sorry, I have no sympathy. I have endured over two weeks of randomly wandering around car dealerships, looking at used cars. Often the same car time and time again.


Lou

I get this ASWELL !, I have a car to get from A to B, and to suit its purpose, ie carrying dive kit, towing a boat , and throwing shite in the back, so it was a pickup for me, wheras she has to have something totally impractical, yet still keeps dragging me to look at others, was a two seater last week....WHY WHY WHY ??????

[Mark Davies]

Garf, quality rant mate - and with absolute good cause! - but ever wondered why you've just had a heart attack at such a young age? Chill. Shopping is as inevitable as death.

I bet she thought a couple of days of retail therapy would be nice relaxation for you, to help you get over it! Just resign yourself to it. If she wants it, she'll buy it, and what's the harm if it makes her happy? It's only money. It only becomes a problem when they expect you to express an 'opinion'. Clearly, you're in trouble right from the start as it's not your opinion they want at all. I've never quite worked out just what it is you are supposed to say, but I've never got it right yet.

If it helps at all, tell her we've all seen the picture you posted last week and she clearly doesn't need any of that shit.

Actually, no. I'm sure that's on my growing list of things not to say when going shopping . . .

[keith_henson]

arghhhhhhhhhh

just got back for the utter horror of milton keynes with the missus looking for stuff for her sisters wedding in two weeks time. 4 fecking hours of looking for conceler (sp), makeup, shampoo etc


I hate it when they pick up random things, look at it, put it back and 30mins later after 50 items she then goes back to bloody get the first thing she looked at.

I hate shopping - god bless the tinternet


Keith