Battle of Trafalgar - fast forward to 2008

[Early Rub-up]

Lord Nelson, Battle of Trafalgar - fast forward to 2008







Imagine the scene aboard HMS Victory:



Nelson ‘Order the signal, Hardy.’



Hardy: ‘Aye, aye sir!’



Nelson: ‘Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?’

Hardy: ‘Sorry, sir?’

Nelson (reading aloud): ‘England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ What heathen gobbledegook is this?’

Hardy: ‘Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England past the censors, lest it be considered racist.’

Nelson: ‘Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.’

Hardy: ‘Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.’

Nelson: ‘In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main-brace to steel the men before battle.’

Hardy: ‘The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.’

Nelson: ‘Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead.’

Hardy: ‘I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.’

Nelson: ‘Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.’

Hardy: ‘That won’t be possible, sir.’

Nelson: ‘What?

Hardy: ‘Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.’


Nelson: ‘Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.’

Hardy: ‘He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.’


Nelson: ‘Wheelchair access’ I’ve never heard anything so absurd.’

Hardy: ‘Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.’

Nelson: ‘Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of such words. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.’


Hardy: ‘Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency and they fast-tracked you through.’

Nelson: ‘Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.’

Hardy: ‘A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven’t you seen the adverts?’


Nelson: ‘I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.’


Hardy: ‘The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.’ Nelson: ‘What? This is mutiny!’

Hardy: ‘It’s not that, sir. Ifs just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.’

Nelson: ‘Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?’

Hardy: ‘Actually, sir, we’re not.’

Nelson: ‘We’re not?’

Hardy: ‘No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. And furthermore according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation’


Nelson: ‘But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil’


Hardy: ‘I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary report.’


Nelson: ‘You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King’


Hardy: ‘Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life.’


Nelson: ‘Don’t tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?’


Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.’

Nelson: ‘What about sodomy?

Hardy: ‘I believe that is now legal, sir.’

Nelson: ‘In that case………………………………………… kiss me, Hardy.’

[nigelH]

Ah me.

I remember a image of the last scene from Trafalgar as all his comrades look away in shame and Hardy puckers up to follow his great friend and leader's final, slightly strange request nobody hears Horatio whisper with his dying breath

"No... No, Hardy. Kismet..."

[Prometheus]

Originally Posted by nigelH

Ah me.

I remember a image of the last scene from Trafalgar as all his comrades look away in shame and Hardy puckers up to follow his great friend and leader's final, slightly strange request nobody hears Horatio whisper with his dying breath

"No... No, Hardy. Kismet..."

Bowdlerizing.

[cgrosart]

Has anybody got that one about the conversation between the US navy ship and the british one - you know, where they keep asking the other to get out of the way......makes me cry with laughter every time.....

[David G]

What this:

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.


US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision


BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision


US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.


BRITISH: Negative I say again divert your course.


US Navy : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.


BRITISH : We are a Lighthouse.- F*ck off !!

[Hickdive]

I thought his last words were;

'Rub, rub. Fan, fan. Drink, drink' or something prosaic like that.

I'd like my last words to be, 'What does this button d...?'

[access]

This one ?

[David G]

I think this one is good:

Video What Are You, Sinking? - language, translation, english, german, communication - Dailymotion Share Your Videos