Families Need Fathers

[Hobbsy]

Evening all,
A few years ago I went through a pretty acrimonious divorce (there's rarely any other type). I have five beautiful daughters with my ex-wife but I rarely see them, let alone talk to them as she embarked on the usual course of parental alienation following the news that my new wife and I were to get married after three and a half years together, have a baby and move half a mile closer.
Last summer we took the girls with my wifes son and her mother on an all inclusive holiday and no-one could have been any happier. When we returned we broke the good news and the girls were really happy, choosing their bridesmaids dresses etc.
Shortly before the wedding, their mother got to work on them and contact stopped. They missed the wedding and haven't seen us since. They have become so brainwashed that they now believe they really don't like us.
Fighting the alienation and mental abuse inflicted by their mother is a very long hard journey through the courts as anyone who has been or is there will testify - excuse the pun!
It's usually made all the more difficult by the fact that the mother has the children and is publicly funded and can employ top legal representation and the father has to act as litigant in person unless he can spare £20k or so for good representation.
I chose to act as a litigant in person and having spoken to several solicitors I have apparently done pretty well so far.
I am also very fortunate that I was introduced to FNF - families need fathers.
FNF is a charity and can be found at Families Need Fathers and can provide a wealth of support to fathers in many situations and you can meet 'Mackenzie Friends' - these are people who can guide you through the processes and attend court with you for moral support and guidance, although they do not have the 'right of audience' that a solicitor or barrister would enjoy.

So there we have it. Please, this is not a post about my situation, more a wish that more fathers have access to the help and support that is available to them through fnf. They have offices around the country and monthly meetings - I'm off to ours tomorrow night, so check out the website and get in touch with them - they've heard your story many times before. I just wish I'd heard about them in the beginning, not three years down the line.

By the way, this isn't an anti women thing, I have a fantastic relationship with my lovely wife and we've just had a beautiful baby daughter.

[ScubaCraig]

good luck with all mate

[Darren A]

Best of luck mate. If me and Mrs Darren A split up, I'd be absolutely devastated if I didn't see my young son/daughter again Hope things get better for you in the near future.

[paramedic paul]

Good luck and stay strong, I can't think of anything worse than loving someone in the way only a Dad can and having that ripped from you!

[mark g]

hope it all works out for you, but if i can offer a small crumb when they reach adulthood they are going to form thier own opinions and may end up resenting the parent that has not been entirely truthful
the freedom of information act is sometimes handy and documents in print from your childhood can be very enlightening so keep every word and show it to them when they are of an age to realise,trust me they will appreciate your efforts in the future

[frosty the snowman]

Good luck with this. My own experience is that divorce doesn't have to be acrimonious. We realised right from the outset that although we were no longer a couple we were still both parents. I have a brilliant relationship with my children (as does my new partner) and a reasonable one with their mum. I agree that for any parent to use their children to hurt the other parent is contemptable. With a bit of thought and setting aside of personal differences for the sake of the children, everyone can benefit.

[dry suit diver]

Originally Posted by frosty the snowman

Good luck with this. My own experience is that divorce doesn't have to be acrimonious. We realised right from the outset that although we were no longer a couple we were still both parents. I have a brilliant relationship with my children (as does my new partner) and a reasonable one with their mum. I agree that for any parent to use their children to hurt the other parent is contemptable. With a bit of thought and setting aside of personal differences for the sake of the children, everyone can benefit.

I cant green you for that.
Yet.

[Hobbsy]

Many thanks to everyone who has sent me pm's and messages of support, it is appreciated. The constant mind games and court hearings are just a part of life now.

As I said in the original post, this is not about my situation but just trying to spread the message that there is hope and help available to anyone finding themselves in this or any similar situation. Please, if you know anybody like this, do point them in the direction of the website.

Last night's meeting was well attended. We had fathers and mothers along with grand parents too. We also had our usual guest solicitor who gives free help and advice in private on a one to one basis as well as the usual help from the more experienced members. We had some more new faces and it was heartening to be able to help.

For anyone interested, our group meets at 7.30pm on the first tuesday of every month at the BBC Club at Llandaff, Cardiff. All are welcome, fathers, new partners/ wives, grandparents as it's not just the non-resident parent that suffers, but the entire extended family. There are meetings all over the country, just visit Families Need Fathers

[Beeblebum]

Hear hear Steve. I endorse all you have said. FNF and their McKenzie Friend have been and continue to be an incredible support. I can't thank them enough...

[ridge]

Errr....when it can't be resolved in a constructive non adversarial fashion, god I've been there 7 years ago now, there's a very shocking wake up call when one realizes that:

1. Although you are named as father on the birth certificate and your child can even have your surname, ( you certainly have a standard CSA liability for your child as if you were married) but if you are not married you have no automatic parental rights whatsoever, and guess what? the principle way you get these rights without a court case is if your childs mother consents to sign a Parental Responsibility Agreement (mine attempted to use this little legal system f*** up as a financial and custody bargaining chip)

2. The modern 1st world country you live in, which you thought wrote the laws upon which most other 1st world countries base their legal system (USA NZ Australia Scandinavia etc etc) , in fact in family law in a 3rd world manner, cannot even follow its own doctrines on equality and human rights and is scandalously prejudicial against fathers. It actually seriously lags behind those countries in this respect.

3. It is certainly not a system to be proud of, but so much more importantly it is a system which is so disgracefully prejudicial against fathers as to seriously damage children's upbringing persistently hiding under weasel word terminology like "best interests of the child" etc

Both my son's aged 19 and 13, have in my opinion suffered considerably not so much from the chosen actions of their mother vexatiously following the adversarial route, but the actions of the Court Welfare Officers and District Judges that operate that route. And as ever there is virtually no accountability or redress for a closed judicial system which is heavily prejudiced, unequal and denies basic human rights.

Strange, isn't that a set of Great British principles that men and women are fighting and losing their lives for in Afganistan and Iraq?

Bad enough you suffer all the agony of the parting itself, you then suffer the full gamut of the family court.

You will never be the same, and you will be very wise not just to take up all of the excellent support of FNF , but to actively seek proper
counselling\psycho therapy no matter how unaffected you may think you are.

I support fairness, equality and human rights - nothing less.

Cor now I've got that off my chest I think I'll go for a dive

Good Luck

Ding Ding


“Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.”
Groucho Marx