Diving Funnies

[scuby looby]

Sorry if this has been posted before....but its funny



HOW TO FAIL YOUR OPEN WATER TEST:

a. Tell your instructor you will race him to the surface.
b. Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.
c. Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for "wossies".
d. Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm "that's
WAY better".
e. Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
f. Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.
g. Tell your instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with
2000 pounds of air in it.
h. When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel
brochures.


HOW TELL IF YOUR BUDDY IS NARC'D:

a. He keeps staring at himself in your mask.
b. You find him buddy breathing with a shark.
c. He pees in his dry suit.
d. His mask fogs under water and he spits in it.
e. Your mask fogs and he spits in it.
f. He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles.


WHAT NOT TO SAY ON A DIVE BOAT:

a. "Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?"
b. "Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
c. "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing 'DECO
VIOLATION'?"
d. "Does anyone else smell smoke?"
e. "What do I do with this bucket of vomit?"
f. "Is that your mask under my tank?"


HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRACTICE BETTER BOUYANCY CONTROL:

a. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot
line at the end of the dive.
b. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more
difficult to walk on the bottom.
c. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
d. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
e. You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC.
f. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has
logged three.
g. You think being neutral in the water means that you don't fight
with your buddy.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BETTER DIVER THAN YOUR INSTRUCTOR WHEN:

a. You have to lend him a weight so he can get under.
b. He keeps calling his scuba cylinder an 'oxygen tank'.
c. He fills out a dive log entry for every pool session.
d. He is a victim in your rescue course, and he isn't playing.
e. His new dive computer is a Palm Pilot.
f. You ask him about nitrox and he says he doesn't watch wrestling.
g. If you get hiccups underwater he tells you to hold your breath.
h. He tells you not to worry about your gauges, "YOU'LL KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE OUT OF AIR!!"
i. He tells you to wear gloves so that the coral won't cut you as
you drag yourself over the reef.
j. He tells you to use all your air underwater - "waste not - want
not".


HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR DIVE BUDDY ISN'T YOUR DIVE BUDDY ANYMORE:

a. He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the boat.
b. He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper.
c. When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his
snorkel.
d. When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his
slate "I'll get you some" and swims off.
e. You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger.
f. He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet.


HOW TO TELL IF YOUR DIVE BUDDY IS EXPERIENCED:

a. He asks, "which one of these thingies goes in my mouth".
b. He offers to carry everyone's gear to the boat.
c. He thinks BC is a comic strip about cavemen.
d. He's upset when you tell him his dive computer doesn't run
windows '98
e. He pees in his wetsuit BEFORE he gets in the water.
f. He argues that NITROX was a monster who battles Godzilla.
g. He says "Oh, I just wait 'til I get that "tingling feeling", then
I know it's time to surface".

[ratcliffe]

Originally Posted by scuby looby

f. Ask your instructor, which fin goes on which foot.

Now I know where Prometheus gets his ideas from. I will wait for him to give me the finger next time I give him an "ok" now

[lloydwatkin]

Originally Posted by scuby looby

b. "Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?"
c. "Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing 'DECO
VIOLATION'?"

Another one is if anyone wants the time, look at your computer and reply, "it's five past five"

[David]

Originally Posted by lloydwatkin

Another one is if anyone wants the time, look at your computer and reply, "it's five past five"

505 is what you want :-)


David

[Tazzie]

Originally Posted by scuby looby

HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR DIVE BUDDY ISN'T YOUR DIVE BUDDY ANYMORE:

a. He gives you the "wait here" sign and you are still on the boat.
b. He "forgets" to close your dry suit zipper.
c. When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his
snorkel.
d. When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his
slate "I'll get you some" and swims off.
e. You give him the "OK" signal and he gives you the finger.
f. He spits in your mask for you, but you haven't taken it off yet.

Oh.... And there was me thinking he really was just very busy at work