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Bush on board for war on warming
By Robert Shrimsley
Published: December 10 2004 02:00 | Last updated: December 10 2004 02:00
The news that Tony Blair is seeking to bring America back into the fold on global warming is welcome, even if one feels a weary air of recognition at Downing Street leaking plans for international agreements some way short of their actually being struck.

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Aware that neither the president nor Congress will sign up to the Kyoto protocols, Mr Blair has drawn up a "Kyoto-lite" so tapered to America it even adopts the US spelling of "light".

The challenge for Downing Street is to devise a package that makes the US appear to be going green without actually requiring any meaningful measures that might have an impact on tangential sticking points such as reducing CO2 emissions or reducing American growth or jobs. The Financial Times has had access to senior British policy-makers and can offer an exclusive peek at the plan.

George W. Bush will institute a national tree planting programme and allow himself to be photographed hugging a giant redwood. He is also to start referring to the planet as Mother Earth. Laura Bush will provide a boost to the natural fabrics industry by ordering a new wardrobe made entirely from hemp. The religious right will be asked to pray for global cooling.

Donald Rumsfeld will be moved from the Pentagon to the Environmental Protection Agency to spearhead the global War on Warming. Polluters will be sent to Cuba and force-fed with genetically modified soya.

SUVs will remain unmodified but all new models will be painted with rainbows. A programme to cut jogging will attempt to cut the level of CO2 exhaled during physical activity.

Given the surprisingly large amount of methane emitted by termite flatulence and belching cows Congress will be asked to fund an experimental programme of animal etiquette. This may not reduce emissions but at least the cows will blush and say "I beg your pardon".

Funds would be available to help victims of climate change through such schemes as the polar bear relocation programme. Many will spend summer at Coca-Cola plants (although only in the fully automated factories) before wintering in the Hamptons.

Buildings will be covered in shiny material to reflect the sun's warmth back out into the atmosphere. There may also be money for research on burying or trapping CO2.

Ministers believe they can get Mr Bush to sign up to most of this package - although a plan to boost cleaner fuel by helping Iran's nuclear programme might be pushing it. The world will hope Mr Blair succeeds. Otherwise the prime minister will just be adding to the volume of hot air.