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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Well since some people have been away for a while I thought it was about time that brought them up to date with what's been going on around here as we have another delve into Dr Frostys' bulging sack.





Hello there. I'm Dr Frosty and once again I'd like to welcome you my problem page. Without further ado let's answer the first letter which is from 'K' of Plymouth.

Dear Dr Frosty. Although I'm a bird I like to do certain manly things like diving. However whilst diving I feel compelled to abuse wildlife, especially spider crabs. I've heard that serial killers start their murderous activities by hurting animals. Could I be a latent serial killer?

Hello K. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Whilst spider crabs are edible, they're classified as seafood rather than serial which is more like wheatabix or crunchy nut cornflakes. The only potential problem is that once a spider crab is toppled off a rock into deep water it releases a chemical which can only affect human females in their early fourties and causes their arses to tripple in size and then they become terminally flatulent. Of course these are very specific conditions so I'm sure you'll be fine.

The next cry for help is from 'PV' of Weymouth.

Dear Dr Frosty, I'm worried that I can't resist stalking a certain TV celebrity but I'm even more worried now as rumours abound on the internet that he might be a bit too 'good with colours' if you catch my drift. I don't want to be labled a *** hag so what can I do?

Calm yourself PV. Firstly your activities can only be regarded as stalking if you've met this person more than once or posted lots of pictures of him on the internet and I'm sure you haven't gone that far. Secondly rumours of sexual depravity mean little and should only be taken seriously if the subject of your ardour exhibits tell tale signs such as having been in the royal marines or posing for photographs involving simulated sododmy so please relax.

Lastly for now, one from 'BB' from the third world.

How docta Frosty man, hadaway and shite. Me an me blurk wuz gannin doon sooth in our murter hurm last week an ah cannat believe what wuz did man. Wuz storted eatin wi knives and forks, drinkin soft southern drinks wi nur domestos or owt in, an wuz even used bog rurl man! Ahm worried in case wiw torned into hur-mur-sexuals. What can wuz dee aboot it then bonny lad?

Now please don't worry about this BB. It's very common for people from the third world to suffer culture shock when they first encounter civilisation. It's actually quite normal in civilised society for people to use cutlery and toilet paper and it's considered unusual to consume beverages containing domestic cleaning products. This does not constitute homosexuality. Perhaps you should consider the effect that cutlery, electric lighting and carpets would have on your hovel. You would be the envy of all your neighbours and would probably even be worshipped as some sort of deity for your posession of such wonders.

Well that's all for now but keep them coming as I don't want to lose the feeling of a full and bulging sack.
 

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Just not enough dive time.
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Dr Frosty can you help me - I am at my wits end, I keep thinking I'm a diver, I know its a figment of my imagination but I cant help it. I have all the kit, I post frequently on dive related websites but each time I get close to going diving something craps out, please what can I do???

Matt
 

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PADI Internet Specialty Diver
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Dr Frosty can you help me - I am at my wits end, I keep thinking I'm a diver, I know its a figment of my imagination but I cant help it. I have all the kit, I post frequently on dive related websites but each time I get close to going diving something craps out, please what can I do???

Matt
Clean yer goggles man then you'll see the water.

Chris
 

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This landed on my my doormat this morning by mistake......

Dear Dr Frosty,

I think most divers and all dive centre owners / workers are tossers of the first degree. I don't believe it. Honestly, I mean, monkeys, the lot of them. Not a neurone between them. When I was a lad, and I've been diving for a very long time, things were different , I can tell you. I am currently making re-breathers in my shed inbetween trimix blending.

Am I turning into Victor Meldrew?

I only ask because I am amazingly attractive to young women.

Yours etcetera,

Confused Jack
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Dr Frosty can you help me - I am at my wits end, I keep thinking I'm a diver, I know its a figment of my imagination but I cant help it. I have all the kit, I post frequently on dive related websites but each time I get close to going diving something craps out, please what can I do???

Matt
Hello Matt. Well this is a bit tricky for me to deal with because as professor of foofological studies at the institute of mimsy studies, Newton Abbot, my real field of expertise in girly stuff. However to ascertain if you are a real diver you need to find out if you are (a) male, (b) british, (c) BSAC trained, (d) slightly well built, (e) smelling somewhat of fish/brasso/neoprene and (f) unwilling to dive with Tom.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
This landed on my my doormat this morning by mistake......

Dear Dr Frosty,

I think most divers and all dive centre owners / workers are tossers of the first degree. I don't believe it. Honestly, I mean, monkeys, the lot of them. Not a neurone between them. When I was a lad, and I've been diving for a very long time, things were different , I can tell you. I am currently making re-breathers in my shed inbetween trimix blending.

Am I turning into Victor Meldrew?

I only ask because I am amazingly attractive to young women.

Yours etcetera,

Confused Jack
Hi Jack. No, I can categorically state that your fears are unfounded. A cross between Bill Wyman and Bruce Everiss would be a much more accurate assesment of your condition.
 

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Getting Grumpy, Old and Twisted
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Dear Dr Frosty, I am concerned about Tony Blair's motives now he is Middle East Envoy. As part of his new role I've heard he is visiting Jordan. Do you think this might piss his missus off a bit as Jordan has got much bigger Jugs than Cherie?
 

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No social integrator
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Dear Dr Frosty,

Please stop phoning me, and following me around. This is your final warning.

NL
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Dear Dr Frosty, I am concerned about Tony Blair's motives now he is Middle East Envoy. As part of his new role I've heard he is visiting Jordan. Do you think this might piss his missus off a bit as Jordan has got much bigger Jugs than Cherie?
Hello Frankie. I can only agree with your concern. Any bird with norks bigger than her head should be treated with suspicion, however since Mrs Blair has a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle, you can hardly blame Tony for his moment of weakness.
 

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the kind of human wreckage that you love
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This landed on my my doormat this morning by mistake......

Dear Dr Frosty,

I think most divers and all dive centre owners / workers are tossers of the first degree. I don't believe it. Honestly, I mean, monkeys, the lot of them. Not a neurone between them. When I was a lad, and I've been diving for a very long time, things were different , I can tell you. I am currently making re-breathers in my shed inbetween trimix blending.

Am I turning into Victor Meldrew?

I only ask because I am amazingly attractive to young women.

Yours etcetera,

Confused Jack
PMSL

I hope Dr Frosty recognises how deluded this 'young' man is and refers him rapidly to the appropriate psychotherapist :D
 

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Getting Grumpy, Old and Twisted
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Dear Dr Frosty,
my wife thinks I am fretting too much over the recent floods because we got half an inch of water in our kitchen.
She told me to get a grip and just mop it up.
Am I being too sensitive?

(P.S. We live on the fifth floor)
 

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Dear Dr Frosty,
my wife thinks I am fretting too much over the recent floods because we got half an inch of water in our kitchen.
She told me to get a grip and just mop it up.
Am I being too sensitive?

(P.S. We live on the fifth floor)
Nah, I think the missus frets, as she realises that there are TWO of you and only ONE set of scuba gear.... :D
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Dear Dr Frosty,

Please stop phoning me, and following me around. This is your final warning.

NL
Dear NL. Stop mincing your words. I'm really confused about your intentions. On the one hand you say that you no longer love me and on the other you leave your underwear on your washing line as a clear invitation for me to help myself. Please make your intentions clear to me and my solicitors.
 
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