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Just not enough dive time.
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OK so my seal appears to be causing a bit of dis-comfort around my neck suddenly. I'll get some KY Jelly stuff in time for the weekend.

Chemists.
Now its not by the kids stuff, you know bum cream, vaseline etc. I'll ask that assistant she should know.
Me - Can you tell me where the KY is please
Her - snigger, broken english, loudly, yes by the condoms at the front of the shop.

Off I trot, the condoms are of course not within arms reach, neither is the KY.

Me - can I have a tube of KY please (to the next female assistant)
She - Whats it for
Me - my neck and wrists
She - WHAT?
Me - I dive
She - YOU WHAT?
Me - Scuba next weekend
She - ALL WEEKEND?
Me - yes
She - You'll need a large one then
Me - No, I dont use much just enough to slip my head through
She - I'll get the manager
Me - and can I have two packets of ......... Double D Batteries too.
She - 11pounds 45p please, shaking her head
Pharmacist (female again) - I prefer wet
She - I'm definitely getting the manager
Me - Too cold
Ph. - I dont like it all baggy
Me - I do
She - here's your goods now please leave.
Me - thanks, to Ph. stay safe.
Ph. - You too.

Matt
 

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Ginger, Irish, sometimes stroppy
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Thats not embarrassing...sounds fun, and you made a new friend. But how sure are you that she was talking about diving?
 

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I discovered the KY trick on my first trip to Florida.

Lubricating wrist seals with KY is a great way of donning a dry suit when it's 90 deg and you're all sweaty.

So, three hairy arsed divers march into the local supermarket, aquire the said KY jelly and queue up at the checkout, with one tube each......We got some very funny looks!
 

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wibble
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<font color='#000080'>One of our lads wanted some KY in Eyemouth (just down from St Abbs) so he toddled off to the chemist.  Anyhow, one of the others heard where he had gone, so sprinted after him.  The poor lad had just asked the old assistant behind the counter if KY rotted rubber when in walked the other guy and held his hand.

I nearly broke a rib.
 

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Snap Happy
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Dashed into the pharmacy in Stoney Stanton, ran up to counter sweating and panting and asked for KY.  " er, its over there sir", I grab it and back to the counter to pay.  "would you like a bag for that sir?"  "Oh no, I'm gonna be using right away!" and then ran out of the shop.  Two minutes later realised what I'd just done.  Never been back since.

On the boat going out of Anglesey and put my drysuit on.  Got my hands through the wrist seals but had difficulties getting the thing over my head....and then had to ask somebody to help remove the coat-hanger which was still inside!
 

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Street Cleansing Operative
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<font color='#000080'>Not an embarrasing moment from diving, but from work, and a real cringer.

Unfortunately a 57 year old man dies from a heart attack, in Taunton. His wife has been unable to contact the deceased's 73 year old mother in Manchester so we are given the job of going round and giving her the bad news.

We get to the house and knock on the door, and there's no reply. I take a quick look through the letter box and instantly pick up that tell-tale whiff of decay that we learn to dread. I've got a view down the hallway into the living room and can just see a pair of feet of an obviously seated elderly lady through the doorway.

We knock on the door repeatedly for a few minutes but get no response. We check with neighbours and none of them have seen the old dear for a few days and none have keys. Fearing the worst, the tragedy of a double death in the family, we steel ourselves to the gruesome inevitable and proceed to force the door open.

It's a good hardwood door and frame with decent locks so we take the heavy donger to it. Unfortunately the brickwork was not up to the same standard and we soon gain entry with the entire door and frame lying flat in the hallway in a cloud of plaster and brick dust. We make our way into the living room to find the old lady sat comfortably in her favourite armchair as though she had died peacefully in her sleep.

I touch her neck to feel her pulse, just to check, and was as shocked as she was when she opened her eyes. After a few moments to let her heart stop banging she reached out to the table at her side to pick up and don her hearing aid, after which she explained that she was stone deaf without it.

Imagine my position!

"Well love, I'm really sorry about your door. By the way ... "

I must surely be the only police officer in the country to have hammered a door down in order to deliver a death message!
 

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<font color='#000080'>My DM instructor was possibly the most sarcastic fella in the world. At least the most sarcastic I've ever met. So, a fella walks up to us, while we're doing the fills for the day, and asks the silliest question I've ever heard:

Nobhead: Excuse me, do you charge tanks?
****: We used to, but we stopped because all the horses died.

I had to walk away. So did the nobhead.
 

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Senior Member
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[b said:
Quote[/b] (Bob Cooper @ Jan. 06 2004,21:16)]So, three hairy arsed divers march into the local supermarket, aquire the said KY jelly and queue up at the checkout, with one tube each......We got some very funny looks!
<font color='#000F22'>How did ou know the other two had got hairy arses ... is this a DIR thing?

 

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Well-in Matt mate!

I've still to see anything as embarrassing as having one's 'Diving Hammer Moment' caught on film, though!  
 

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Matt i did not expect this [post to be so funny, I have just tried eating an apple crumble which is now all over my pc screen as I could not help but laugh with a mouth full of food.

Thats just embarased me as the rest of the office is know wanting to know what was so funny.


On one trip I was on a few of us found some brass shell cases. Once back on the boat we started to talk about them and some other people said we have found some shells as well.

To this one guys wife said "yeah me to" and pulled out some sea shells. The guy went bright red and was very embaressed.

Jamie
 

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<font color='#0000FF'>A few weeks ago this huge guy asked one of the dive girls to open his suit after a dive, he totally forgot that the during the dived he had been 'vapourising' the previews evenings dinner of cabbage, beans and other carion food. The stench was horrific and almost made everyone else jump overboard.  
 

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I had just finished my rescue diver course at Guildensludge. The last bit of the course having involved me towing my buddy to shore and de kitting him on the side of the lake. We then realised he had lost his perscription mask during the excercise (quite expensive apparently), so the instructor went to look for it. He surfaced, and asked me to come and give him a hand. Great, heres my big chance to show how proficient I am as a newly qualified Rescue Diver - don kit, quick search, recover said mask and be the hero of the day! So, I'm standing waist deep in water, I do up my BCD, make sure I've got my weightbelt on, squeeze the air out of my BCD so I can quickly join him on the bottom, stick my reg in, quck check to make sure my air is on (coz that would be stupid to jump in with that turned off wouldn't it), and then I plunge off the platform into the depths...... Only to realize my fins were about 5m above me on the side of the lake, have you ever tried swimming with all your kit on without fins? Believe me it's not easy! Had to doggy paddle to the edge to get out. And to make matters worse, there were about 15 schoolgirls who had just done a try dive watching!! Never again!!  
 

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"hardly ever here"
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<font color='#000080'>
[b said:
Quote[/b] ]Only to realize my fins were about 5m above me on the side of the lake
don't worry darren....

when i was in sydney i was on a boat dive with the shop i was working for. one of the shop instructors was there, just doing a pleasure dive and taking her camera. all day she was going... "can you remind me to put film in my camera? and check the o-ring? and don't let me do anything stupid like jump in the water without the camera, will you? it's that kind of day i think"

so anyway, she loads the film, checks the o ring, grasps the camera firmly, jumps in the water, tries to descend, surfaces, and says

"can someone pass me my fins please?"

so funny. she was a very experienced woman, who had done about 800 dives, and had jumped off the boat without fins in front of a boat-full of people she had just taught to dive!
 

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It's nice to have an undersuit that doesn't smell bad, which is why I wash mine fairly regularly.  However, that might all have to stop.

During a dive over the summer one of my legs felt very uncomfortable, like the undersuit had rucked up inside.  After the dive, I shoved my hand down the inside of the leg to sort it out, only to retrieve a pair of shorts and a pair of boxers that had found there way down there in the washing machine...

d'oh.
 

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iGeek therefore iTrek
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I'll always remember the look on one of the girl's faces whilst working at Jaguar.
Are you doing anything special this weekend Noel?
Not much I'm going to...

Mate interjects conversation and finishes my sentence by saying:

be dressing up in a rubber suit after lubricating himself in talcum powder

Which I'm sure you'll agree is a pretty accurate discription of donning a dry suit, unless you're of the KY persuasion...
 
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