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Extracting the Urine
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Discussion Starter #1
As some people will know i'm off to mauritius in 3 weeks for my best mates wedding where i'm to be best man:teeth: There are 18 people in total going at a recent meal most of the people going where sat around the table and i couldn't help but notice how tanned and toned everyone was. I was going to look a right cnut on the photos next to this lot and i admit it bothered me a bit :embarassed: (completely out of character for me) Now the toned bit nothing i can do in 3 weeks really and i haven't been on a summer holiday for 7 years so my skin is whiter than a nuns bum. I had the perfect idea sun bed cancer things so last night i plucked up the courage that i wouldn't look to gay walking into a tanning salon ( oh how wrong i was:embarassed: ) Explain my problem to the girl who laughs and shows me to a tardis stand up job where you hold handlebars in the air ( to avoid white bits apparently) she says 6 mins will do you me being stupid decided no need longer than that she refused to sell me any more than 9. After 9 mins thinking how stupid must i look and i hope there isn't a camera in here i get out feeling warm but fine. Sat at home 3 hours later my whole body feel sore and i mean fcuking sore my girlfriend thinks this is so funny as it's not like me to be vain in the slightest and the first time i am this happens:embarassed: Brings me to mistake number 2 i decide i'll have to buy some aftersun so off i pop to tesco at 10 pm looking for aftersun pretty blue bottle nivea aftersun written on it just the job. Back home i put gallons of it on doing my back myself because my girlfriend couldn't move for laughing. Only to wake up this morning with patches on my body and hands that make me look like i've been tangoed turns out this bloody aftersun has a self tan thingymajig built in:angry: it took me an 1hour of scrubbing in the shower to get the main off but you can still tell:embarassed: I have spent the whole day getting mercilessly ribbed by my mates, girlfriend and my dad it's a good job i have a thick skin (albeit a red with orange patches one) So anyone having a bad day think of me it should cheer you up.
 

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DUE CEO, Booking agent, Coffee maker & Dogsbody...
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Quality :D
 

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Utrinque Paratus
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RATFLMAO

well having just come back from the loo as i nearly wet myself laughing :D

Tw4t proof you dont have to read to be a marine :D:D:D:D:D

thanks mate :D
 

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:teeth: classic!
 

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Registered
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24,810 Posts
Ooops!
why do blokes always think they know better????

TBH, you would probably have been better off getting some Johnsons Holiday Skin. Makes your skin all soft, moisturises it, and gives it a bit of colour at the same time.

It works best on hairless skin, but you can get waxing kits at most supermarkets. Try Oz, (or it might be Aus) which is quite good, but you need to be somewhere cool for it to work without hurting too much. This would be excellent for the bikini line (I am sure your girlfriend would help) .

they also do smaller sizes for facial hair.
:D
 

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Thats MISTER Blue Boots to you....
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Another stunningly brilliant example of why us blokes are just sooooo superior when it comes to ignoring advice from the people in the places that actually know what they are talking about :)
Nice one for admitting it, its given me a good chortle tonight!
 

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I am a person NOT a number
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7,710 Posts
You were just jealous of scouser women and that lovely orange coloured face they seem to like and felt you needed to join them.

Tis a shame one can only give a green or a red....................I'd like to give you an ORANGE !! lol
 

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Well, if you'd run up and down swanage beach for a couple of hours this afternoon all your vanity issues would have bronzed and toned away,
but dont despair, how about playing :note:patches, I'm depending on you son:note:
as background muzak when the time comes for the best mans speech:D
mike.
 

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LOL!!!!!!! :teeth:
You could always pretend to be one of them 'Marbella Babes' from off the telly!!! Get yersen some of that Aloe Vera gel from Holland and Barretts for the burnt bits and borrow your better half's facial/body scrub (the stuff with bits in for exfoliating) AFTER your skin heals (or else it hurts, loads) and hope that you can scrub off the tango look!

whiter than a nun's bum - classic!

have a green, or does it clash?

<snigger, chortle, chortle>
 

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Life is rushing past!
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Pure class. Hope you get your colour back or should I say lose the colour you've got!!! :eek:p
 

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Extracting the Urine
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4,056 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
Keep it coming i've had it all bloody day:frown: glad i've managed to cheer people up with my tale of woe and pain :teeth: Something to add to it too the i asked if i should be naked it the tardis thing she said yes so even the little general is burnt:embarassed:
 

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Keep it coming i've had it all bloody day:frown: glad i've managed to cheer people up with my tale of woe and pain :teeth: Something to add to it too the i asked if i should be naked it the tardis thing she said yes so even the little general is burnt:embarassed:
That's naughty - even the hospital when they give light treatment, get male patients to cover up their, ahem, little general with a paper g-stringy type thing.

Note for next time (if you're too tight for a holiday!) Go to nurse's workstation in dermatology and ask for a g-string. See what they say and post it here!

For a larf, like!
 

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Flaccid Member
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5,410 Posts
HA HA your DEAD!

You were lucky this time!


A couple of minutes more under the lamps, popcorn would instantly pop out your arse! :embarassed:
 

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Swims with More Seals
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I demand photographic evidence!!!!!

He he he

K XX
 

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As some people will know i'm off to mauritius in 3 weeks for my best mates wedding where i'm to be best man:teeth: There are 18 people in total going at a recent meal most of the people going where sat around the table and i couldn't help but notice how tanned and toned everyone was. I was going to look a right cnut on the photos next to this lot and i admit it bothered me a bit :embarassed: (completely out of character for me) Now the toned bit nothing i can do in 3 weeks really and i haven't been on a summer holiday for 7 years so my skin is whiter than a nuns bum. I had the perfect idea sun bed cancer things so last night i plucked up the courage that i wouldn't look to gay walking into a tanning salon ( oh how wrong i was:embarassed: ) Explain my problem to the girl who laughs and shows me to a tardis stand up job where you hold handlebars in the air ( to avoid white bits apparently) she says 6 mins will do you me being stupid decided no need longer than that she refused to sell me any more than 9. After 9 mins thinking how stupid must i look and i hope there isn't a camera in here i get out feeling warm but fine. Sat at home 3 hours later my whole body feel sore and i mean fcuking sore my girlfriend thinks this is so funny as it's not like me to be vain in the slightest and the first time i am this happens:embarassed: Brings me to mistake number 2 i decide i'll have to buy some aftersun so off i pop to tesco at 10 pm looking for aftersun pretty blue bottle nivea aftersun written on it just the job. Back home i put gallons of it on doing my back myself because my girlfriend couldn't move for laughing. Only to wake up this morning with patches on my body and hands that make me look like i've been tangoed turns out this bloody aftersun has a self tan thingymajig built in:angry: it took me an 1hour of scrubbing in the shower to get the main off but you can still tell:embarassed: I have spent the whole day getting mercilessly ribbed by my mates, girlfriend and my dad it's a good job i have a thick skin (albeit a red with orange patches one) So anyone having a bad day think of me it should cheer you up.
This just has to be a made up story, 'cos fat boy sparky750 couldn't fit his lardy arse in a tardis:teeth:

Only a marine could fcuk up so many times in one day:angel:
 
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