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a stroke of good looks
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Discussion Starter #1
I've never been a big family man myself, I don't do hugs and I don't tell my parents I love them. I suppose you could say I take it for granted that I've got a family. The last ten days have changed the way I feel about that now, and life as I know it isn't going to be the same from now.

When I got back from DiveFest last Monday I found out my dad had gone to hospital on the Thursday before, but he'd made sure nobody told me because he didn't want my trip ruined. Over the last three years his throat has been funny, swallowing has been getting more and more difficult as has breathing, and it got to the point where he couldn't breathe. They did an emergency tracheostomy to open up his airway, and took a snip from his throat to do tests. He likes a drink and smoke and inside I was preparing myself for bad news, which I got yesterday morning. He's got throat cancer, a large tumor completely blocking his throat. Chemotherapy isn't an option, I think that's because he's diabetic. Radiotherapy is an option but the odds are poor. Surgery is the best option, but first he needs to be fit enough to survive the op and anasthetic, which means a race against time to get him up to operating strength before the cancer kills him, which could be a matter of weeks. He'll lose his vocal chords and won't be able to breathe through his mouth again and will have a hole in his throat for the rest of his life, all because he likes a smoke. He won't be able to talk and will probably have to get used to having some sort of chest infection as part of every day life for a while.

It shouldn't take something like this to make me appreciate and realise I only get one dad, and as terrible as he was at being a dad when I was growing up, he's my dad and I love him, and every day for as long as it takes I'll be by his side fighting every single inch of the way to get my dad back, whatever it takes. If I wrote a book about my life nobody would believe it, but this is one episode that IS going to have a happy ending!

So if any of you are like me and are a bit slack at doing the whole family thing, buck your ideas up and make the most of having them around. Even if it's just to drop them a text message for no other reason than to say hello and ask how they are.
 

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Squidgey Member
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2,151 Posts
You are completley right, I have a very close freind who lost his dad last month and he is always kicking his self for not being closer and not doing more for him even though he lived under the same roof as him.
He never saw eye to eye with him and i feel there lays the problem.
Well done Russ, and do what ever you can for him. He may not show it but he will appretiate it.
 

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Lost my dad in 96 when this was being played on the radio.
YouTube - Mike & The Mechanics - The living Years
i cant even watch that vid or listen to that song without openenly sobbing

i lost my dad in december 95 , 6 months after my son was born i have 1 picture him holding nick

and its on my wall at home, i used to also take him for granted always being there

but when i lost him that december there was a massive void left by his loss

a void that has been difficult to overcome

also im a very affectionate man and give hugs freely when it comes to family and is great when u show that affection mate

make the most of today with loved ones as tommorow may not be the same
 

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the kind of human wreckage that you love
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Thinking of you and your father and wishing you well
 

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My dad wasn't a great dad (to say the least) either, but after a lot of hard work starting about this time last year, we are beginning to see eye to eye. I understand where he was coming from when i was a kid a lot better now.

I'm glad you are sorting things out, and I wish you both well. :)
 

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Your Dad will know you love him. He knows how upset you are. That is shitty news and I am sorry you are going through it.

I now have lovely in- laws, we see them as much as we can because one day we won't have them anymore. I feel for you Russ, it sounds like a big shock. Hug a relative today. Or text / phone and tell them you love them.
 

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a stroke of good looks
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Discussion Starter #9
Thank you for all the messages and replies of support. Even though I was preparing myself for it and expecting nothing else it is still a lot to take in and get thrown into the middle of.

I've been to see him again tonight so he's had time to think about everything we all talked about this afternoon with the options he's got. I've told him he needs to be strong mentally and physically and any support he needs he can have. The anaesthatist or however you spell it has been to see him and told him he needs to exercise and strengthen up and they're lookng at two to three weeks until they operate. The fact he is Nil by mouth and on liquid food in milkshake form served via his nose isn't helping him feel like he's getting enough food to give him the energy he needs to get active.

I moved him to another bed the other night so he's got a window view looking over Poole harbour and the effect that alone has had on his morale is brilliant, he was going mad staring at an empty bed opposite him all day.
 

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My heart goes out to you.

Your advice is grand, my mum loves me calling just to say hello. My dad, like yours, was not one for hugs, I can't remember him ever telling me he loved me, but I still remember his jokes and every time I hear a good one I think of him. That was one of his ways of showing his love.

Sounds like your dad has his way of loving you. I hope all goes well for you and your family.
 

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Wide eyed and legless......
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434 Posts
At least you get to acknowledge the way you feel now when you can put things right....some people let that chance pass by and that must be heartbreaking.

My Dad passed away in 1998 and my Mum only last August. My Mum and I always ended a visit or phone call with"Love You"...... I consider myself blessed in that respect.
 

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Team HPDW Cake Queen.
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I lost my wonderful Dad two years and 17 days ago.

I told him how much I loved him every time I was with him. He knew how much.

Don't want to use your post as a vehicle for health promotion Russ, I'm very sorry your Dad is ill, but as it is my job I note you say he likes a smoke and expect you know this is a huge contributer towards throat cancer. 5300 cases of it in smokers in the UK in 2009.

If anyone is reading this sad thread and thinking of quitting tobacco don't put off trying, do it now- if you wait for the ' right time ' it never comes - then maybe we can stop more people who care for each other going through what Russ and his dad are now.
 

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Devout Sceptic
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Russ, I lost my mother just about 12 years go to the day. Big C and all that goes with it.

My father became a new man during her illness. I saw another side to him.
In those 12 years we got much closer but always kept a "blokeish" distance emotionally.
I spent a lot of time with him for one reason or another,not least of which was hiding from my own issues.

You may have seen some of my posts during February and March.

I really can't go over it again now.

Just be there. That's all you can do and it's the best thing you can do.
We always think about us being strong for them. Actually, you'll see that it is you that will get your strength from him.

I wish you and your father to have the best possible outcome.

Paul
 

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All hail the mighty ZOM
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My dad collapsed at a party about 5 years ago- no pulse, no breathing. Heart arrhythmia. Luckily, he was at a party hosted by the chief cardiologist at the Queens Medical Centre who lives round the corner from him. They did (somewhat drunken) BLS on him until the paramedics arrived who got him going again with some jump leads. One pacemaker later and he's still going (77 next month).

I work with him every day in the same room. It's brilliant.
 

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Latest news, which is quite different to yesterdays news, is that on Friday or Saturday he should be allowed to pop home for a few hours to see his dogs, check out the pond etc. then on Monday they're going to do the op. Things are looking up :)
Good news Russ, and I hope he makes a speedy recovery from the surgery.

Well, I don't have the close family that others have posted about. Alcohol and the neglect that went with it saw to that. But knowing how not to be a parent has taught me a few things about how to do it better. I'm sure I don't always get it right, but my kids will look back on their time spent with me, knowing that they were always loved. They'd better anyway or I'll bash them.
 

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My dad died from emphysema after smoking 30+ a day all his life - I can remember going to the shop and asking for '20 No 6' when I was 4 years old! It took him 15 years to go from the point where the Dr said he wouldn't last another Winter. He carried on smoking until he was dragged off to hospital and I'm sure someone was sneaking whisky to him in there. Some people can't ever be stopped from smoking. Not sure if there's any point to this, other than he started smoking long before it was considered dangerous, but he would have done it anyway. I miss him very much.
 

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a stroke of good looks
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2,817 Posts
Discussion Starter #19 (Edited)
looks like things are starting to look up now after another rollercoaster few days. My cars engine finally exploded big style on Friday, my neckseal split on Saturday after the first dive, my iphone dropped out my pocket in perfect time to get slammed by the car door I'd pulled shut. And yesterday I fell off my bike :(

My dad went off for surgery at 2pm yesterday, and at 10.30pm I got a call to say it went well, and as they expected. he's in HDU now for a few days while he recovers, but hopefully this now means we're on the home straight and on the up. Poole Council will have to pay for my bike to be fixed (they put a new cycle lane on the road with that green gravel stuff, but left over 4 inches of the stuff there as a gravel trap), hopefully Apple will fix my phone for free cos it doesn't look physically abused, just doesn't work very well, and I've got a new engine and gearbox in the post to me. o'three saved my weekend and lent me a suit to use when I took mine in to them on saturday.

It never ceases to amaze me how much crap life can chuck my way, but what can I do? roll over and let it win? pfffft, life can guff off if it thinks I can be pushed around. :D
 

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Boy, you've had a hell of a time! Glad all went ok for your dad. Sounds like you sorted everything else out too. I think you must have an extra female gene hidden away, talk about multi-tasking!! Way to go!;)

Best wishes to your dad for a speedy recovery.
 
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