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On the boat last week my instructor jumped in the water with a couple of students. I was on surface watch. Expecting the dive time to be around 40 minutes I was quite surprised when after only 10 minutes one of the girls onboard stated "They are coming up".  I looked over the side and asked "How do you know they are coming up" to which she replied "I can see bubbles on the surface" At this time there was a deathly silence as everyone just looked at her.
         Any other classics!
 

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A short fat well off crap cave diver. Likes wrecks
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In Egypt last year my Chinese wife was told off for touching a Turtle. To try and scare her the dive guide told her a story of a turtle that clamped the divers hand against its shell and took him down to 80m where he died.

My wife huffed and said

'If it tried to do that to me I would cut its throat with my dive knife and Abdul could cook it for lunch'

The dive guide looked a bit stunned by this response, especially as all the people on the dive boat that knew Ling were nodding in agreement at the inevitable outcome of the Turtles rudeness.


Mark Chase
 

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Very hot off the press this one.

I was giving a BSAC dive leader lecture on dive planning and was talking about diving during slack water. One lass then asked why the tide should matter, I explained about currents underwater as the tide moves. She then looked confused and then asked why you can't swim against it! She is one of the people doing the DL lectures as something to do!

On our annual trip to Malta in april we were heading over to the blue hole on Gozo for the last day of diving after a week of ocean and sports diver training. It is tradition that the instructors go for a deeper dive before following the newly qualified sports divers round. Two of the instructors were planning a dive to 40m and were discussing narcosis. At that point one of the trainees informed them that she was narked earlier in the week. Confused, as she had only been to about 20m during the week they asked her when this was. The reply was "when we were back at our hotel yesterday I was sure I couldn't find my stab jacket, it looked for it and then it was exactly where i'd put it"!! I think the reply implicated blonde hair rather than anything nitrogen related!!

The same person was having trouble passing her sports diver theory exam. The people in her jeep were testing her on the way home one evening. One asked "What are the benefits of diving with a pony cylinder?" She looked puzzled and asked what one of those was. The instructor who was driving then said it was a cylinder shaped like a small horse. There was a silence..... she looked around and then exclaimed "Really, that's a good idea"!!!! We were all so tempted to keep the story up until the dive show and send her round trying to find a cylinder shaped like a horse!!

Needless to say both the people mentioned above are blond (and female, but of course that shouldn't make any difference
)

Paul
 
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