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288 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
No doubt this must have been posted before, but dont care its funny and im sure some of you havent seen it!

Haynes Manual; Glossary of Terms

For those of you who may consider some DIY work on their car, or bike, you
may find this a useful companion to the Haynes manual!......

Rotate anticlockwise: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with
hammer anticlockwise

Should remove easily: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with
adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

This is a snug fit: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable
spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

This is a tight fit: Not a hope in hell matey! .Clamp with adjustable
spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Apply moderate heat: This needs something more than placing your mouth ear it and huffing; but unless you have a blast furnace to heat it up until glowing red, don't bother. Use a hacksaw or clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer

Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner: Stick a screwdriver
through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer

As described in Chapter 7: Look at the scary photos of the inside of a
gearbox in Chapter 7

Pry: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Undo: Buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Ease: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Retain tiny spring: A small object will fly past you and nearly take your
eye out

Press and rotate to remove bulb: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch
some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Lightly: Start off lightly and when the veins on your forehead are throbbing
then re-check the manual.

Weekly checks: Disregard. (If it isn't broken don't fix it ..)

Routine maintenance: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

One spanner rating: (simple) Your Mum/sister/girlfriend could do this (so
how did you manage to botch it up?)

Two spanner rating: You may think that you can do this ... but you also
thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (which, as it so happens, would have been more use to you)

Three spanner rating: (intermediate) Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start

Four spanner rating: You really are seriously considering this aren't you?

Five spanner rating: (expert) Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again
and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Compress: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage
whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath

Inspect: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at,
then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Carefully: You are about to cut yourself

Retaining nut: Big spherical blob of rust

Get an assistant: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you

Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal: But you swear in different

Prise away plastic locating pegs: Snap off...

Using a suitable drift or pin-punch: Not the biggest nail in your tool

Everyday toolkit: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Index: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want

Replace old gasket with a new one: Bodge using linoleum, a sheet of plastic,
or even cardboard

Grease well before refitting: Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the
dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will
probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease

See illustration for details: The unit illustrated is from a previous or
variant model

Just another pikey diver...
1,993 Posts
I well recall instruction no. 1 for fitting a towbar, many years ago - "remove the rear bumper..." (yeah, old cars used to have those - bit of chromed angle iron bolted on the back, not some bit of moulded plastic like now!). Three days later, after skinning all my knuckles several times, I'd undone one of the bolts, sheered two others, broken a few tools, and was cursing at the last couple.

1,065 Posts
this is all too real...one to add to the list (all you citroen owners will understand where I'm coming from with this...)

Lift the cover and replace the filter: remove 3 different coolant hoses, remove the battery, the battery holder, loosen one of the engine mounts to shift that steel bar out of the way..... once you've put the new filter, tow the car to the garage (with all the bits in the boot) tow the car to the garage so that they can rebuild the engine cos you couldn't get to the cover in the first place !!!!
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