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Discussion Starter #1
got a good one


There was an English man, Scotts man and an Irish lad, they were captured by the Iraqi`s. Sadam said "if you can sing me a song about a dog i`l let you go."
The english man sang "how much is that doggy in the window"
and he let him go.
The scott`s man sang "when I was a boy ol` shep was a pup"
and he let him go.
Then Paddy started singging "stranger`s in the night exchanging glances." Sadam said, "where`s the dog in it there then?" Paddy said "just hang on a sec. Scooby dooby dooo."
 

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[b said:
Quote[/b] (Heads Up @ Oct. 03 2003,20:03)]Allegedly thats where the cartoon got its name from!
cartoon? never saw that one
 
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got a really funny one when i first heard it


Paddy was doing the crossword last week and said to **** "Im stuck on one clue, it`s a four letter word, and the clue is found at the bottom of a bird cage and the last two letters are I.T"  **** said " Grit". Paddy said " Oh god, have  you got a rubber?"
 
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A psychic dwarf has recently escaped from Belmarsh prison. Police say the public should watch out for a small medium at large.


What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
wipe his bum.



Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse!



Two eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly: but when they lit a fire in ther craft, it sank. Proving once and for all that you cant have your kayak and heat it.
 

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This newly married couple have moved into their first house together. After spending a couple of months doing the place up and doing what newly married couples do they begin to get bored. Sitting round the dinner table one night the husband says;
"We really should do more to get to know the locals! It'll get us a social life away from the house".
The wife whole-heartidly agrees and she says;
"Yes my darling, but what can we do?"
"Join the local church", he replies, "That's bound to be full of local people". So off to Church the next Sunday they go!

After sitting through a service they are talking to the Minister at the door and he tells them;
"You are indeed welcome here, but, we like a loyal congregation and to prove your loyalty I will set you a small task".
"What is that Father?", enquires the Husband.
"I want you to abstain from sex for four weeks", the Minister tells the couple. Off the couple trot for a loooooooong four weeks.

Four weeks later they come back to see the Minister and he asks;
"So how did you get on with my little challange?".
"Well", says the Husband, "The first week was fine, the second week I was beginning to feel the tension, the third week I was climbing the walls, halfway through the fourth week my wife dropped a lettuce on the floor and as she bent over to pick it up her skirt hitched up over her arse. I'm sorry Father, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to give her one there and then".
The Minister looks saddaned as he says "Well I'm sorry to say this but you won't be welcome in our congregation".
"Fu*k that", the Husband replies, "We'll not be welcome in Sainburys either".

Peter
 

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[b said:
Quote[/b] (peter k @ Oct. 04 2003,12:12)]This newly married couple have moved into their first house together.

Peter
rofl like that  joke
 
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A wife comes home from the doctors and tells her husband what he had said to her.  I have the tits, arse, legs, stomach of a 19 year old.  The husband asked what the doctor had said about her 40 year old c**t.  We didn't talk about you.
 

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Paddy woke up one morning and looked out his bedroom window and saw a gorilla swinging through the trees, so he phoned the police station and said "Hello is that the police station?" and a voice said "Yes". Paddy said "there's a gorilla swinging through the branches of a tree in the bottom of my garden." The policeman said " Well that's the gorilla that escaped from the Dublin zoo last night, Phone shamus the gorilla keeper".
So paddy phoned the gorilla keeper and said " is that shamus?" The voice said "yes." Paddy said  "Shamus your gorilla is swinging through the branches of a tree at the bottom of my garden." Shamus said " well i`l be there as quick as you can say jack Robinson".

About 20 minuets later this van pulled up outside Paddy's house, this shamus got out, he had with him a shotgun, rottweiler and a pair of handcuffs.  Shamus said "right il climb the tree and shake the branches and the gorilla will fall to the ground, and the rottwiler is trained to grab him in a very tender spot!  When he does he will be in shock you run over and stick the handcuffs on and we'll take him back to the zoo."  
Paddy said "that's great, but whats the err shotgun for?" Shamus said "well if I fall out the tree first shoot the rottwiler."
 
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There are two worms, one said to the other "You know, I dont like that golf, I keep getting hit on the head with golf clubs."
The other worm said "I know but it`s not as bad as fishing is it"

Little Paddy said to his father " There`s a man knocking at the door with a beard."  His father said " no wonder I cant hear him."


Little **** was at school and the teacher said to him " What yould you do if Jesus walked into the class room today?"
**** said " I`l stick a bible in his hand and say "This is your life!""
 

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Paddy was in the army and on patrol up in Belfast when the sergeant said, "we got a curfew up tonight Paddy, if you see anyone out after 9 o'clock shoot em!"

At a quarter to nine there was a rattle of gun fire and the sergeant came running down the street and found a man stone dead. He said "It's only a quarter to nine!" Paddy said " I know but I know where that fellow lives, there's no chance of him making it home at 9 o'clock."
 

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A begger walked up to a well dressed women shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, " I havent eaten anything in four days.
She looked at him and said " God I wish I had you willpower".


I havent spoken to my wife in 18 months. I dont like to interrupt her.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "I'll give you some cream for it".


A guy walks into a psychiatrists wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
 

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Two senior Citizen's in a boat, they approach a fork in the river, the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

Next day on the boat again, they approach a fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked," Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal?
Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid
and I thought the choices were f*ck or drown."
 

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Clean one!!!

Ugly People In Heaven

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an
oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then
get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they
have experienced; he decides to grant them One wish
each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined
up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers,
and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to
be gorgeous too."? Another snap
of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down
the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When
there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on
the floor, laughing his butt off.?Finally, God reaches
this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says...... "Make 'em all ugly
again".
 

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The Frog and The Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He
can see from her nameplate that her name
is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a
£30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks
at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog
says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad
is **** Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank
manager. Patty explains that he will
need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog
says, "Sure. I have this," and produces
a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall -
bright pink and perfectly formed. Very
confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult
with the bank  manager and disappears
into a back office.





> >

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to
know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral." She holds up
the tiny pink elephant. " I mean, what in the world is
this?"

>

>

> >

(you're gonna love this)

> >
>
>



>






(its a real treat)

> >




>
(masterpiece)

> >

(wait for it)

> >

The bank manager looks back at her and

says.................................

> >
>



>


"It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a
loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

> >

> >(You're singing it, aren't you?!!)
 

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What does Winnie the pooh and Henry the Eighth have in common?



They both have the same middle name.
 
 
 


Sadly this is the best joke l've heard for ages
 
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