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1.Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2.It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

   a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
   b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
   c. After wrecking your boss' car.
   d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
   e. When she is using her teeth

3.Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
 eaten by his mates.

4.Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of

5.If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
 forever, unless you actually marry her.

6.Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
 Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7.No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
 In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

8.On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

9.When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
 the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10.You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
  to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the
  purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11.It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
  sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
  supermodel...and it's free.

12.Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
  kick another bloke in the nuts.

13.Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14.Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15.If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16.Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
  until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
  ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17.A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
  sober enough to fight.

18.Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
  but not both - that's just mean.

19.If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
  about his choice of beer.

20.Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
  except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21.Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
   a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
   b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
   c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22.Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:Both
  urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
  situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you

23.Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
  you are able to have sex with her.

24.Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

25.The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
  carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling
  weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the
  discussion about what a big mistake it was.

6.It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
  to drive yours.

27.Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
  orange or sky blue.

28.The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
  with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation .End
  of story.

11,296 Posts
Imported post

<font color='#000080'>What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
>   What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.
>   What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.
>   What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute.
>   How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile
>   up.
>   How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the
>   remote control.
>   What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme.
>   What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.
>   How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in
>   the dark and complain.
>   What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>   What have women and floor tiles got in common? If you lay them properly the
>   first time, you can walk all over them for life.
>   Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and
>   good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
>   What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
>   How do men sort their laundry? Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
>   What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the
>   dog is still excited to see you.
>   What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge
>   that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
>   What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
>   Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can have a cup of
>   coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
>   Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? The woman who ate the last
>   donut.
>   What is the difference between a battery and a man? A battery has a positive
>   side.
>   A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10. Who has the biggest
>   breasts? The blonde, because she's 18.
>   Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder
>   where the breasts went.
>   Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
>   How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time
>   she brings it.
>   Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who
>   can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
>   Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary
>   things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
>   How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
>   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
>   door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let
>   him in.
>   What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
>   I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
>   I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
>   What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence? Divorced.
>   Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ~
>   It is called Wedding Cake.
>   Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
>   Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV ?" I said,
>   "Dust!"
>   In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and
>   rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
>   A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I
>   haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish
>   I had your willpower."
>   Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
>   know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
>   Six Affairs
>   The First Affair
>   A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions
>   overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love
>   all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around
>   8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
>   outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
>   complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?"
>   demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've
>   been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all
>   afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife
>   glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing
>   golf!".
>   The Second Affair
>   There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
>   daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always
>   wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough,
>   delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into
>   the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the
>   ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no
>   way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters
>   I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
>   around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
>   The Third Affair
>   A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
>   bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the
>   body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
>   discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry,
>   Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated
>   with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for
>   posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's
>   scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first
>   person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you
>   won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife
>   screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
>   The Fourth Affair
>   A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front
>   door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner. Then she quickly rubbed baby oil
>   all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell
>   you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?"
>   the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied
>   nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I
>   got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when
>   they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went
>   to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
>   "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the
>   Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
>   The Fifth Affair
>   A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
>   beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So
>   the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone
>   steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman,
>   "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents,"
>   the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who
>   owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man
>   says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The
>   same thing as I'm doing to his business."
>   The Sixth Affair
>   Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his
>   side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
>   roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
>   slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest,
>   don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
>   something that I must confess. "There's nothing to confess," replied the
>   weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in
>   peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend
>   and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I
>   poisoned you."
>   A blonde went into a world-wide message centre to send a message to her mother
>   overseas.
>   When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any
>   money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." The man arched an
>   eyebrow (as we would expect), "Anything"? he asked "Yes, yes, anything", the
>   blonde promised. "Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked toward
>   the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in
>   and close the door." the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your
>   knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead ... take it
>   out." he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.
>   The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well ... go ahead." The blonde slowly
>   brought her mouth closer to it and, while holding it close to her lips,
>   tentatively said.........."Hello Mum, can you hear me?"
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