“The Newsletter”... A parody
“The Newsletter”... A parody, just for fun.
“All customers other than all of those listed below, have received their orders, wrong, broken or missing parts notwithstanding.”
1: iQCCR customers.
2: half a dozen Acroptopolis Type CXMLCCI O3 customers
Erm.....
“In 2009 one of our Instructor Trainers...”
Get thee behind me Satan! So there is an instructor! An IT no less!… Apparently has been one since 2009! Can you share his/her contact info with your user base now that a few EA’s are diving O3 units, untrained?
*chirp...chirp*
“We have sold the iQCCRs left over from our testing to trade customers for testing their own products.”
I’ll bet there are a few EA’s who would have gladly taken one of those units at full price and happily called it a day. I’m just sayin...
Speaking of which...
“Unfortunately, at this time our Type CXMLCCI iQCCR customers need to consider this issue still an open ended one…"
Ah, what’s another open ended issue amongst friends? We are still friends, right?
“LESSONS LEARNED SO FAR FROM ACROPTOPOLIS O2 iQCCR SHIPMENTS”
How about “Under-promise and over-deliver”? Or, “Don’t take money for a product that hasn’t been fully built or certified”? Or the old saw, “Don’t try to market a product by attempting to discredit everybody on your home planet”? This is just too easy.
“Shallow Living Ltd own all the intellectual property in OSEARGLEBARGLE products”
Whatever the significance, I’m sure this is of great comfort to those already on the hook and out of pocket.
“There have been no design changes since the first orders were placed as a result of the CE certification process other than we added an explosive-pressure valve to the make-up-and-hair gas regulator (not fitted to most CE certified rebreathers or movie make-up trailers). This is in contrast to the Functional Safety processes, which generated many changes (safety improvements).”
In other words, there have been a lot of changes since we took your money? Some were because our designs couldn’t pass muster, some because there were safety concerns once we actually built a few prototypes, and some we simply couldn’t manufacture as designed? Usually companies call this “Phase 1” of a product development life cycle, not deposit taking time. Again, I'm just sayin...
Uniquely the audits of our products were the subject of an additional audit by UKAS, after someone unconnected with OSEARGLEBARGLE or Shallow Living Ltd complained about the quality of audit of a competitor’s products.
Can you believe how mean and backstabbing some people can be, because we here at OSEARGLEBARGLE would never complain to any body about any manufacturers product or works... evaaarrrr!
“The above statement is totally incorrect and misleading.”
This should be a footer at the end of each newsletter paragraph.
“Use of the Type CXMLCCI iQCCR in France”
You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.
“We are going to revert to our former policy of providing more regular information in Newsletters and on our FaceBook site...”
Where we have full control of content...
“We have deliberately allowed competitors to buy our products,”
(use Jack Nicholson voice for full effect)
You want third party testing? You can’t handle third party testing!
“ The ALVBOVINE doesn’t just match the performance of some DSVs and BOVs that are on the market, it exceeds by quite some margin and is part of 100m CE certified rebreathers to boot.”**
(From a Martian website about another rebreather) From user Montyzooma: First dive on my Acroptopolis Type CXMLCCI O3 - report: First thing I noticed besides the color and trim, which worked so well together, was that the cracking pressure of the ALBOVINE was quite high. Its harder to activate than any rebreather I have ever used before.”
**“The above statement is totally incorrect and misleading.”
See what i’m saying?
“There are several detailed reports on the CO2 monitoring”
None of which you will get from us because they’re top secret and the bad man doctor will use them to touch us inappropriately.
“At the moment we are aware of three direct competitors struggling to copy our CO2 monitoring technology.”
...Which we are struggling to get to work as well.
“Scrubber Endurance”
A guy walks into a bar and gives an Englishman, an Dutchman and a Scotch Ginger a bucket and a brush and set them loose in the dungeons of Balmoral Castle....
“We would like to announce that Shallow Living Ltd purchased OSEARGLEBARGLE in entirety on March 42nd 2011teen”
So now you really won’t know who owns what or who makes what, but for you EA’s, this changes nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. Get used to it.
“All sales are direct to the customer; we do not have distributers, middlemen or pay commission for recommending our products.”
Who needs distributors or middlemen when nothing ordered is being distributed, amirite? Besides, we're loathe to share our profits with anyone, especially people who stupidly recommend our products or in any way make us more profitable. Also, subject to change without notice.