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Small, yet perfectly formed...
3,299 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Thought it was worth making an early report from this trip as true to form murphy's law was alive and well ....

Friday was cancelled and so some of us eventually got together for a meal. The travel down had been horrendous. Arrived at the B and B to find that they had got my reservation wrong, in moving it from one system to another, and that my room had been re allocated to diane (madfish). A t this point I offered to share the room but since diane didn't know that she knew me she declined and ended up going to get another room at Paul's B and B.

saturday dawned, and after early breakfast we all got on the boat sucessfully. I gave the Dude his flapjeck and he promised to be nice to me all weekend.
The sea was rough and the boat pitched and rolled and some us started feel a little unwell.

we reached the planned dive site with no casualties to the chunder god but on finding that a container ship was directly over our dive site, we changed the plan to a different site. Arrived there to find another dive boat on it but they kindly offered to share their shot and so we sat in swell and awaited their divers getting in.

The boat rolled in the swell and a few people were getting greener and greener. I dont usually suffer with Mal de mer but I had a wee spit over the side.

People atarted kitting up but everytime I looked down to get my dry suit feet on the world went a bit funny.

The upshot was that I chundered over the side, luckily I also managed to get quite a lot on the Dude so it didnt hit anyone else.:teeth:

Once the keenies had got off the boat I proceeded to kit up, feeling much better as by now my stomach was totally empty..

All went well, twinset on, hood mask, gloves but then I made the mistake of looking down to put my fins on...

What happened next was like a bad edit between the Exorcist, Mr Creosote and Little Britain. Despite the fact that my stomach was empty I discovered 9 more stomachs and proceeded to empty them one by one by projectile vomiting across the deck.

My buddy (Jeremy) gazed in horror as this torrent of vomit came in his direction and started tactically sliding along the bench to avoid being hit. Steve S and Diane (madfish) gazed in wonder as they too were indisposed by the nausea. At this point steve wished for a video camera and live streaming onto Youtube. Sometimes I think stories on YD are embellished in the telling but we were all truely horrified by the volume and energy with which my my stomach contents splattered the desk.

At this point I canned the dive.

The skipper cleaned both me and the deck up by swilling us over with sea water. He helped me out of my kit (no-one else was capable), undid my suit and I lay on the deck in agony for the next hour. Then it started to rain... and pour ... and torrentially. Steve and Diane told me to come under the shelter but I couldnt move.

Eventually soaking wet and miserable I crawled into the shelter. And started heaving into the mask bucket. Diane gave me two travel sickness tablet which I immediately regurgitated.

When the other divers returned they thought that the skipper had a seal on board. I think someone videod me alternately heaving and crying into the mask bucket.

At this point I gave up diving and the will to live.

All divers aboard and we set off back to shore. I removed all my kit from the boat and said I would not get back on it EVER. I issued the remaining flapjack to howard and steve for their safe keeping.

Over a meal and a drink that evening steve sugested that I need to get back on the horse and hence properly drugged up and possibly with some reservation I did get on the boat on sunday morning.

It wasn't as choppy and we had two lovely dives. Both wrecks. I am sure someone else knows what they were called.

But somewhere i managed to knock my camera housing which resulted in catastrophic failure and instant flooding. I now have no camera.

Also the two people who I appointed as flapjack monitors failed to actually bring it onto the boat so sunday I was starving all day and had to scrounge food. I got a tracker bar from Jane (Triplefin), a penguin from Janos and an apple bar from Ian. Aren't people nice?

So despite the sickness from hell and a total loss of camera , it was good weekend all in all.

The startling thing about all the clusterf***s that I was aware of this weekend was that none of them seemed to be directly howards fault. Which is odd.:embarassed:


Exiled in Scotland...
6,286 Posts
Thanks Jules,

I really enjoyed reading your report. It had me chuckling away in my headphones attracting, a few funny stares from my collegues. They have all read it too and now the mood in the office has cheered from Monday blues to jovially content.

I hope your insurance pays out for a replacement Camera... .. again!!

247 Posts

Sorry to hear you were so sick......hope you covered Jezzer though:teeth: :teeth: ....journalists!:teeth: :teeth:

Those container ships were still on top of the Kurland on Sunday - we had to divert to the Highland Brigade.....6m of viz can not argue.

Saw your boat (Trojan) making it's way to the Leopold.....what was that like??



Small, yet perfectly formed...
3,299 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Was the camera film or digital, if its film I have a Nikonos you can borrow, strobe included.

Thanks Matt, that's sweet of you but I am not a good enough photorapher to use film! I will try to get another 5050 as I already have the housing. It was the 7070 and housing that died yesterday.

No longer a Scapa Virgin
2,115 Posts
Sorry you had it so rough Jules!

I hope Mr S wasn't too aggressive with his comments about your Mal de Mer, i'm sure there is footage of him in a similar predicament on the last "Hermes" gig:teeth:
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Small, yet perfectly formed...
3,299 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Sorry you had it so rough Jules!

I hope Mr S wasn't too aggressive with his comments about your Mal de Mer, i'm sure there is footage of him in a similar predicament on the last "Hermes" gig:teeth:
no it was definitely an attempt to stop me throwing myself overboard in abject misery....
however it was he who likened the event to an except from little britain.

Team Starburst
5,275 Posts
CF part two

Steve and I having been denied the prospect of the Jules/Dianne pillow fight opted for a cosy night of sleep, followed by a decent brekkie on Sat morning. Which in hindsight was not a good thing for Team Chunder. Sat diving saw a plan B being formed and me team up with Cathy and thus avoid the projectile incident. Steve S has the video on his camera and no doubt will make available on U tube. Jules comment about seals is quite apt.

Sunday was a a different day. It was also sunny with calm water. I jumped in with Paul and Steve. I found a dsmb and reel :) Unnamed. :) :) After about 30 mins and having 10 mins deco I headed up leaving the two dive gods to kick up the viz some more.

Dive two was the Luis. A great little wreck in 15m. The diving was marred by some DSMB incidents, others can tell. Up at 6m I could hear some strange bleepings, not being my computer I looked around and eventually came across Howard playing with his deathbox.

Monday was off to a great start as the gas blending wizard did some magic. Lee the skipper saw YD at its best or worst as blending on the fly was carried out. I will let others explain. two hours in rough sea made for a rough ride and eventually the day was binned.

One diver had arisen at 5.30am today and was quite excited about the prospect of diving, despite the unwarranted weather accusations. It was good to see Tom, but being the Jonah means that the MODs must take action about him.

Thanks to Paul for arranging the weekends entertainment. It was good to see some regular friends, and even better to see Howard under the control of his lovely wife.

Small, yet perfectly formed...
3,299 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Monday was off to a great start as the gas blending wizard did some magic. Lee the skipper saw YD at its best or worst as blending on the fly was carried out. I will let others explain. two hours in rough sea made for a rough ride and eventually the day was binned.
For a change I made the right call! Two hours on a rough sea was NOT what I needed!
Thanks to Paul for arranging the weekends entertainment. It was good to see some regular friends, and even better to see Howard under the control of his lovely wife.
here, here, it take ingenuity to gether together such a motley crew of divers.

And yes, Howard is definitely better behaved when the hi-dudess is present.

31 Posts
For a change I made the right call! Two hours on a rough sea was NOT what I needed!


Nah, you've broken the spell now Jules, sure I heard Steve S of team chunder decree it so! And I hear he's regarded as a bit of an expert.

Bad luck re. the diving today guys ... pesky weather eh?

Not much to add to the trip reports from these two eager beavers - had a fab weekend and, apart from a bit of neck trouble, escaped unscathed and eager for more!

Lessons learnt:
- Never leave the flapjack with the boys
- Label your DSMB with name and address so that it can be sent back to you ('cos you would have done, wouldn't you Ian ..... ?!?)
- Dive benches get slippy in the wet (bruises to prove it)
- Sometimes, if you're really nice to them, dive officers do carry your kit for you. But only very rarely. :)

Thanks again to Paul for making it all happen.


DUE CEO, Booking agent, Coffee maker & Dogsbody...
10,161 Posts
Well the Portsmouth Pikey Gig got off to a slow start with Fridays dive’s being canned due to MattBin booking on the Boat ;)

I drove down late Friday to spend hours stuck on the M25, as I was looking for my B&B I got a call off of Chunder, who had been thrown out of her B&B for swearing, so I got her a room at short notice at my B&B. Off to the Pub we went for a rather enjoyable evening.

Next morning off we went with a full boat for the Camberwell, only to find a rather large freighter moored over her, so off to the Highland Brigade we went, arriving there in time to share Wightwreck Charters shot.

There was a lot of struggling to kit up with people falling over and Team GUSAC sitting the dive out. I jumped in Solo and dropped down the shot with some nice light Viz, my right ear was blocked but I hit the wreck at 17m and after a while around this area cleared my ear and off I went.

This is a huge wreck with lots of entry points and nice big holes, and I got a far better and more accurate impression of her than I had on my previous visit. After 50 min of very good rummaging in 5-6m of light viz with a max depth of 27m I headed up.

There had been lots of Lobsters, Crab and several good size Congas on the wreck and the fish were in a feeding frenzy as Team GUSAC Chummed them from above us. Back on the boat we headed in, several of us fancied a 2nd dive but the skipper had been under the impression it was a single dive trip, in hindsight I think this was just as well for those in pain ;)

After another good Pub night we went out Sat and dived HMS Prince Leopold. The weather forecast had been similar to Sat’s but was wrong and we had great weather. The Leopold is my favourite wreck in these parts. We had glorious sunlight and despite 3 boats being on site there was still plenty of space for all of us on this great wreck. I jumped in with Steve and Ian, so 3 BSAC DO’s together – a recipe for disaster if ever there was one :D

On the wreck we had a good 5-7m of light viz and a great dive, there really is so much to see on this wreck, I found one nice little swim through , but by the time I found the long one I was looking for it was a bit late in the dive for that.

We bagged off and ascended as we each got to the end of our planned bottom time, however just as I was starting up Team Death box passed me and Janos delayed my departure as his Lobster bit him, and I had to stop to laugh.

So 50 min on the wreck on 33% and a max depth of 32m, deco on 53% giving a total runtime of 73 min in 17-18 Degree water.

Dive 2 was an excellent 50min solo bimble at 16m on the Luis, which had lots of Lobsters, Crabs and Fish out and about. Once I was up the skipper having counted a full set of DSMB’s came in and picked me up, however as he completed this Jane’s blob came up from below us and was run over fortunately she was still at 14m and quite ok. Some cheapskate using a cheap Beaver reel had botched his DSMB deployment so we had an extra blob floating around.

L to R Cathfish, Steve S (Back), Janos (Front), Jeremy, Jules, MattS, Diving Dude, [email protected], Tripplefin.

Today we had a borderline forecast similar to yesterdays but as Tom was onboard it swung the other way and we canned the dive 2 miles short of the wreck site, which after some Blending on the Fly as we were getting ready to leave was a disappointment but the only sensible shout.

2,774 Posts
A brilliant report Paul - thanks for 'organising' the trip (I use the term loosely)..... and thanks for accommodating me at the very last minute..

Will Steve be posting the video of Jules's impersonation of the mating rituals and calls of the female elephant seal? It may be an idea to turn the sound down first as it could be very distressing for those with a low pain threshold.

Jules, lying in her own vomit.........

See you next year


"Three sheds"
12,688 Posts
Completely different perspective from me!!!

Friday was blown out, but fortunately we were due to leave at a sensible time (1215) so at least I didn't have to get up early. Instead I mooched around the house, posting crap on the internet, and it turned out to be a blessing in disguise as Missus Janos was due to catch a train to Portsmouth from Croydon but sadly the line had flooded and I was able to pick her up and drive her to Pompey.

Friday night saw the Dude / Dudess double act, which has to be seen to be believed ;)

Saturday was an early start and lumpy. The boat was fairly quiet on the way out, and it was nice to put faces to names (MattS, Cathy, and, at long last my brother Steve S); renew old acquaintances (Paul Oliver, The Dude, Jules) and, highly embarassingly, forget that people I'd met before on YD gigs. Sorry. I blame the brain leisions. :embarass:

Anyway. Lumpy ride out, and not much chat, and then quite a stressfull kitting up as the boat rolled from side to side. Indeed, Missus Janos fell over and I was worried that she'd turned an ankle, but Paul (who had (deliberately I suspect) waited until last before getting kitted up) was on hand to help her up and we were soon ready to get in the water so a big thumbs up to him :thumbsup:

Once in the watter we had a superb dive on the Highland Brigade. I had a problem with my suit infaltion bottle, but I nicked a bit of gas from Missus Janos and we were soon at 20m. I've not dived with Missus Janos much this year at all and it was very relaxing. We mooched around the wreck, not exploring even a half of it, and I'm keen to go back and dive it again. Viz was an easy 6m or so; and the watter was very warm.

Getting out of the watter was tricky though. The swell and a ladder [1] meant that Missus Janos spent a little bit of time getting out, and coming up with a breather and a stage wasn't easy either.

Back on board we heard the sound of Jules retching. Christ on a bike it was horrible! We waited until the rest of the divers were on board before heading back to port. Due to a mild mix up there was no second dive, but I think that was the prefered option by the majority anyway.

I had grand plans for the afternoon but ended up spending the afternoon watch "Dial M for Murder" in bed [2] and eating chocolate and pork.

Saturday night saw a cheeky pint in the Manor pub with the rest of the gang and relentless piss taking.

Sunday saw Missus Janos deciding to sleep in and I picked up the Dude, who was carrying his head under his arm, and drove back to the marina. The weather was much better, sunnier, and flatter, and there was much hilarity and jolity on the way to the Prince Leopold, a dive I've wanted to do for ages.

Diving with the Dude and MattS I wasn;t disappointed. There are some lovely swimthroughs and the wreck is superb. We made it up to stern before drfiting back along the wreck. Viz was around 4m to 5m; and I saw six lobsters, one of whom came home with me.

After a quick lunch of penguins and crisps the next dive was the Louis in 18m. Diving with the Dud and MattS again, the wreck had better viz than the Leopold, despite being closer to shore, perhaps 8m in so. Drifting around the wreck we saw plenty of other divers, and plenty of tiny lead balls, a relic of the arnaments the Louis was carrying. I also found a rather nice brass shell case.

Back on board I was at the hotel for 5ish, and back home by 7ish, in time for Lobster and Chips for tea.

All in all it was a great weekend, and thanks to all involved, especially to Paul for organising it and looking after everyone on board.


[1] - One of those things you use when the lift breaks
[2] - Telly in bed is A Luxury.

Creature of the night
14,183 Posts
Dem DO's Don't do dat Do Dey

Yet another perspective ;) my day started in earnest at 06.50 with the first of many calls and txts to say the dive was off, so I hung around for a few hours before setting off……big mistake, the journey to Portsmouth usually take me around 3 hours….it took me 6 ½ and I was lucky to have made it that quickly, what with floods, road closures, 14 mile tailbacks and rain of Biblical proportions.

I eventually arrived at the B&B to meet Jules and Ian [my roomie] and to find out that Chunderfish had been bumped to another B&B because of her potty mouth, and she had refused the offer of sharing a double bed with Jules which put paid to Ian’s hastily written script [on the back of a beer mat] of co-eds pillow fighting in baby doll nighties, or in ''good pyjamas'' as Di called them :)

A meal in the Manor followed by a few sherbets and mucho p*sstaking ensued.

Leeward house provided us with a full English breakfast at 06.30 Saturday morning which was both right and so wrong…..after loading up and finally meeting my separated at birth Brother Janos accompanied by Pippa, Jane and Cath who were camping, Jeremy who is a local, and the Dud who wasn’t allowed out Friday night with us for being naughty, we set off for the Highland brigade.

It was a tad lumpy but I’m not quite as bad a soft Norvern Jessie as some of those Southern bas*ards would have you believe, and I would have gotten away with it too if someone hadn’t parked a small country on top of the dive site and at the alternate site we had to hang around pitching and rolling.

In the roll of chundering honour, Jules started the bile moving, closely followed by Jeremy and finally Di’ who every inch the lady remembered her finishing school lessons of leaning so far over the side that you don’t get a splash back ;) special thanks must go to Jules who managed to improve the décor of the DBOD by vomit stains.

I managed to avoid throwing up only by invoking my Reverend status and praying for deliverance, or at least to throw up almost unnoticed and with a little pride left intact.

The rest of the divers got in and Jules and Jeremy were to dive together, Di and I decided that the sea state was too rough for people of our gammy legged disposition, it was when Jules was fully kitted up and facing Jeremy who was at the other side of the boat, that the most surreal puking experience I have ever seen happened, my description doesn’t do it justice but all the joke gross vomit scenes you have ever seen in Little Britain, Monty Python and the Exorcist that made you think ''that is over the top'', I can hand on heart say that the ferocity of the projectile vomit that came out of that small but perfectly formed person was awe inspiring, as was Jeremy’s trying to back away, then realising he was trapped by the threshing puke monster so he started gently shuffling toward us, she managed 6 or 7 goes the width of the boat in a perfect green arc, if I had a score card it would have been 10.………..they decided not to dive afterwards.

After being sluiced down Jules then decided to try and top that by filling the mask bucket and making a retching noise like a Yak in labour with quintuplets and a breached birth, the noise actually frightened our surfacing divers.

It was the most heart renching thing I have witnessed and I felt unable to offer much assistance in case she exploded, so the only thing I felt able to due was take a short video of her plight [which I’ll post at a later date with the permission of those involved and subject to quality control] and also to try and prevent her from throwing herself overboard to end it all ;)

Another meal in the Manor and we were joined by Mr and Mrs Matt, Dud and Sue, who I have finally met and deserves a medal a big as a dustbin lid for putting up with him, after a meal a few sherbets and banter we headed off to prepare for another early start, I decided my svelte figure could forgo breakfast at 06.45 and we set off for the marina.

Jules was a little worried about being stuck on the boat if she was ill again but was persuaded to give it a go and thankfully it was a little calmer.

Our target was the Prince Leopold a troopship in 32m and is a fantastic wreck. Team DO Do’s hit the water with the grace of a safe falling from the Post office tower but we managed to appear in control to any onlookers, and in a well greased triangular formation utilising light signals, hand signals and the ''look at that fcuker signal'', proceeded to uphold the honour of the BSAC . She is a wreckies dream with loads of spidge and fittings still around. I found the brass mesh covered port deck light again although the glass had been broken by someone…………….it still refused to budge.

Ian bagged off first leaving me with Paul who despite looking like Baloo’s morbidly obese Brother still insists on trying to fit into small gaps so as a result we parted company, after 48mins I bagged of and following my custom fat bas*ard deco schedule surfaced at 72 followed by Paul soon after and only a few metres away.

BSAC are already planning our dismissal from office in a branded stylee, with our SDC badges being ripped off our undersuits.

Dive 2 was the Luis in outstanding viz which saw us down for a hour collecting lead balls to trick Americans with on ebay, my trusty beaver reel jammed on deployment not with a line problem but with the spool sticking :rolleyes: I have administered first aid to it and it seems fine now but it may make it to the kit box of shame………………….ebay

Back in the marina I drained the twins and decanted 02 into them from my seven with a mixing plan from Paul that was so cunning people would want to chase it around a field on horseback.

Dinner at the Manor again with me driving, so only one sherbet but more banter and a side of the Dud I have never seen before……………………..quiet.

Buoyed by my success the previous day I decided to go with the full English and because Tom was diving with us it was p*ssing it down, grey and lumpy.

I tested my twins and was surprised to find that Paul’s planned 32% twin mix had come out at 45% and my planned 60% mix in the 7 had come out at 35% as it was a 32m dive it was then I realised that Paul thinks 02 is a drink, and any blending qualification he has was given to him by Marstons brewery ;) the true spirit of YD then kicked in with people draining, planning, decanting to get me a mix that wouldn’t cause me to fit. I made sure to tell everyone to inform the widow Summers that Paul’s blending plan was saved in my inbox.

Paul said he did it because he has never seen an 02 hit but I suspect the truth lies in his 12th beer when he posted the plan to me.

A very lumpy ride out nearly to the site saw discretion being the better part of valour and we returned undived with only one victim of the great God Chukkula………….Gizmo.

Unloaded, settled up and goodbyes said I headed off home and thankfully had a much easier journey until I got to Leicester forest services, when the heavens opened and in 28 years of driving I haven’t seen anything like it……..visibility measured in feet.

Things I have learned-

Jules could vomit for Hollywood’s special effects department

Janos was just as I expected, and I think it’s fantastic when a person you know online is like that.

Dud is scared witless of Sue, who obviously has a heart of gold for putting up with the Pikey.

Gas blending in Paul’s hand is more dangerous than dangerous Brian checking for gas leaks with a blowtorch.

Ian has a dark side not unlike his B horror movie actor Brother Jeffrey Coombs.

Di left her fins to justify buying another set.

Jane hates Northerners.

Tom if he isn’t a Jonah, is really starting to think he is.

Even the weather can’t ruin a trip with the right people involved.

Many thanks to everyone for making it a memorable trip, the banter was top notch as usual, thanks to Ian for sorting the B&B and for the company through the long dark nights, and a special thanks to Paul who always runs an excellent trip, doing a hell of a lot of work to make them run as smoothly as they do.

Safe diving,

P.S. there are still spaces on Scapa week one, you know it makes sense.
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