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Finless: You couldn't invent him...
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Whilst pondering life, the Universe and everything the other night I decided that I am not happy at being 46 and beginning to notice that bits are ceasing to work as well as they used to and, when used, complain more. If fact I'm not just unhappy, I'm bloody cross that it has happened to me.

Be patient, I'm just giving the background to the Eureka moment when my new theory struck me.

When I got fed up of pondering I then noticed that the amount of my feet visible below my expanding gut appeared to have got smaller (I have black lines drawn on my feet to show where I could previously see to).

It was then the thought struck me - "a fatter diver must be  less likely to get a bend than a skinny one".

We all know that nitrogen is absorbed into the body tissues at different rates and that fatty bits are classed as "fast tissue". Well, if you look on the fatty bits this way then it is only common sense to accept that the more fat you have the more nitrogen absorbtion capacity you have before you start filling up the slow tissue bits. Ergo, you are less likely to suffer a bend.

Please. There is no need to heap me with plaudits and acclaim I will just accept that you are sending it anyway.

 

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<font color='#0000FF'>So BMI really stands for Bend Minimising Influence. That would work for me.
 

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Street Cleansing Operative
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<font color='#000080'>So the fact that UK divers are predominantly fat bastards is in fact just Darwinian evolution theory in practice. There is no doubt that I have put on weight since I started diving, thereby providing supportive empirical evidence. A very elegant theory, so clearly must be correct. Praiseworthy indeed!
 

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Resident Sprog Plod
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<font color='#8D38C9'>Now you just need to come up with a theroy about how beer is good for you the night before diving.

then you should write a book.
 

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Well I can start you off with the little factoid that Beer protects you from aluminium poisoning, don't know if it works for other metals too
 

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Jonah
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[b said:
Quote[/b] (Ben @ Jan. 28 2004,17:19)]Now you just need to come up with a theroy about how beer is good for you the night before diving.
Carbohydrate loading. Boosts your energy level, enabling you to be more active and less likely to get cold.
You just need to drink a lot of water before you go to bed, to make sure you're fully hydrated.


Will that do?
 

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wibble
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<font color='#000080'>my ex-mate (tosser Extraordinaire) drank a lot at least two pints a night, and then bladdered friday and saturday.  When we got narked at the dive show thanks to the DDRC, he did very well until he flipped out with major paranoia and hallucinations.  Apparently if you drink a lot, you seem to do better till something triggers the narcs and then you are buggered......
 

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Exiled in Scotland...
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<font color='#000080'>Hey Porg. I'm playing some Layo and Bushwacker music in the background whilst reading this thread and suddenly I noticed that your avatar wobbles in time with the music, is this part of the elabourate programming that went into the giggling avatar?
 

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wibble
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<font color='#000080'>worrying.  

i have got Limp Bizkit on at the moment, had got the lord of the rings sound track, Dido, and david gray.  Just proves i have strange music tastes really......
 

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[b said:
Quote[/b] (Ben @ Jan. 28 2004,18:19)]Now you just need to come up with a theroy about how beer is good for you the night before diving.

then you should write a book.
Not the night before diving, but beer IS good for you.
Thanks to Ron Young for sending me this:
http://www.sydes.net/jokes/flash/beer.swf
 

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Finless: You couldn't invent him...
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Rob (alias - another FB),

Kick a guy when he's down, why don't you!!!

If I lose a contact lens due to the tears caused by your post I can assure you will be hearing from my lawyer (J Daggard).

 

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[b said:
Quote[/b] (Finless @ Jan. 28 2004,16:55)]It was then the thought struck me - "a fatter diver must be  less likely to get a bend than a skinny one".

We all know that nitrogen is absorbed into the body tissues at different rates and that fatty bits are classed as "fast tissue". Well, if you look on the fatty bits this way then it is only common sense to accept that the more fat you have the more nitrogen absorbtion capacity you have before you start filling up the slow tissue bits. Ergo, you are less likely to suffer a bend.

Please. There is no need to heap me with plaudits and acclaim I will just accept that you are sending it anyway.

<font color='#0000FF'>Hope this doesn't effect you too much.  But if I can remember the theory from way back.

It's fast in but slow out, so it takes longer to off gas, I think this makes you more susceptible to a bend.  


Fiona
 

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Finless: You couldn't invent him...
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I am convinced that beer after a dive IS good for you and assists with the off gassing process.

I forget the exact detail of the theory explained to me by a Mr Chris Grainger (DM at the Calypso Dive Centre, Marsalforn, Gozo - circa 1985) and, as I am talking about beer, they are largely unimportant in providing me with a convincing reason to adopt this practice.
 

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Finless: You couldn't invent him...
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[b said:
Quote[/b] (FionaB @ Jan. 29 2004,10:55)]Hope this doesn't effect you too much.  But if I can remember the theory from way back.

It's fast in but slow out, so it takes longer to off gas, I think this makes you more susceptible to a bend.  


Fiona
That would appear to be a damaging response to my theory, however, I must have "fast fat" so perhaps it releases nitrogen quicker.

Fast fat? I hear you ask. Well, it wasn't there fairly recently.

Anyway, if my fat bits get a bend, then all I can say is serve them right. I didn't want them in the first place.

 

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<font color='#0000FF'>
[b said:
Quote[/b] (Finless @ Jan. 29 2004,11:03)]Fast fat? I hear you ask. Well, it wasn't there fairly recently.

Anyway, if my fat bits get a bend, then all I can say is serve them right. I didn't want them in the first place.

That is very funny, gave me a real chuckle.

Hear hear, I can live with that.  I don't want mine either  


Fiona
 

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A short fat well off crap cave diver. Likes wrecks
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Great news if being fat and drinking beer makes you off gas quicker I must be prety much unbendable


There was a diver at one of my old clubs who was called unbendable bob due to his quite remarkable abuility to screw up on some prety deep dives and never get bent. He was a fat git too, so that explains it.


Now hows the thesis on preventing nitrogen absorbtion into the lining of the lungs by coating them with a layour of tar comming?

ATB

Mark Chase
 

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Finless: You couldn't invent him...
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[b said:
Quote[/b] (Mark Chase @ Jan. 29 2004,12:43)]Great news if being fat and drinking beer makes you off gas quicker I must be prety much unbendable


There was a diver at one of my old clubs who was called unbendable bob due to his quite remarkable abuility to screw up on some prety deep dives and never get bent. He was a fat git too, so that explains it.


Now hows the thesis on preventing nitrogen absorbtion into the lining of the lungs by coating them with a layour of tar comming?

ATB

Mark Chase
Mark,

A great idea you would think - tar that stops nitrogen getting into the system to begin with. Unfortunately due to Oxtox problems I don't think that idea would ever be accepted by the Establishment.

However, I have come up with a theory, that might help if you have well overstayed your NDL and can't be bothered doing any deco stops.

I have yet to test this theory but I believe the more nitrogen stored in your body then the safer this method would be.

Right, stuff the deco stops and shoot straight to the surface at the maximum rate you can achieve without bursting your lungs in the process. You then get on the boat as quick as possible, dump your kit and start rushing about like a loony. The idea is to cause maximum stirring to your innards. Once again, I will need to test this before I can confirm any of this info, but I suspect a maximum of 5 minutes agitation will be enough.

Now, this is very important, you must then become very still and stand legs together, one hand touching the side of your knee and the other pointing at the sky. Then you hold your breath whilst someone sticks something sharp, pointy and hollow (eg a straw) into your wrist and, hey presto, all the nitrogen bubbles in your system will rise to the highest point in your body and exit via the straw. I would expect the release on excess Nitrogen to be over very quickly like when you open a lemonade bottle (or, if you're posh like me, a champagne bottle).

I think I will call this the wrist dump method. For those of you that prefer the autodump method - TOUGH, IT WON'T WORK.
 
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