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Myth Buster
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
HOW THE MILITARY DEAL WITH SNAKES

UK Armed Forces Reactions to Snake Threat

Infantry Regiment:
Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

Parachute Regiment:
Lands on and kills snake.

Royal Tank Regiment:
Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

Household Cavalry:
Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against the Roundheads at all costs.

Royal Marine Commando:
Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.

Royal Engineers:
Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

Royal Artillery:
Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage with 105 mm howitzers, 155mm AS-90s and MLRS. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

22 Special Air Service Regiment:
Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes bestseller "Python Two Zero".

Royal Army Medical Corps:
Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life. Snake then dies by mistake on operating table in field hospital. Dissects snake.

Royal Navy (Task Force):
Fires a single Tomahawk cruise missile from the one working nuclear sub and follows up by air strike by 8 Sea Harriers and navel gunfire from various destroyers and frigates. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

Royal Navy (Trident Missile Submarine):
Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from Mr Blair to use nuclear weapons.

Royal Navy (Shore Leave):
Sailor in uniform but on shore leave approaches snake while carrying can of beer. Unzips fly and pees on snake at same time as opening new can of beer. Snake bites sailor "where it hurts". Sailor doesn't notice and, operating on autopilot, returns to ship reporting no sightings of snakes. Is told to zip up fly.

TA:
Weekend camp cancelled due to presence of snakes in area.

RAF
Obtains GPS co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers and the RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake due to low cloud cover. Drops bombs in sea on way home killing 85% of marine life in no fly zone. Aircrew returns to 5 Star hotel for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

Army Intelligence Corps:
Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snakebite.

Defence Logistic Organisation:
Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of > £1.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkhas told not to know what they are talking about and told to shut up. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.

Defence Procurement Agency:
Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pound over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.

Directorate of Recruiting (RAF):
Determines that snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

Joint Helicopter Command (ACC Apache Squadron):
Unable to locate snake due to poor IR or radar signature, Infra-red only operable in desert Areas of Operations without power lines or Surface to Air Missiles.

Joint Helicopter Command (RAF Merlin Squadron):
Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, and lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor downwash blows snake into fire.

Joint Helicopter Command (RAF Chinook Squadron):
Sling leg breaks in flight while sling loading anti-snake equipment, pilot cuts sling load. Sling load lands on snake and kills it. Loadmaster uses dead snake to replace broken sling leg.

RAF Regiment Rapier Battery:
Observes snake drop dead and fall out of tree. Launches missile at snake and claims a kill. Research later shows that four Royal Navy frigates also claimed this snake kill along with a number of Army LLAD teams.

British Army (Snake War 1):
Digs trenches in front of snake. Generals order troops over the top. Troops refuse and are shot for treason!

Royal Navy Submariner (Shore Leave):
Meets snake in bar, buys snake cherry drink, gets intimate with snake, leaves snake for another snake.

RAF Nimrod MR2 AEO:
Calls a CPA (closest point of approach) on snake and wonders why there is a snake in the middle of the Gulf. Requests TACO (Tactical Command) to drop a Stingray torpedo the damn thing out of spite.

WRAC/WREN/WRAF
See snake whilst trekking through jungle. Mass hysteria ensues and climbing up on trees. Snake dies of fright. Boys sent in to rescue girls from trees.

NAFFI:
Build pub. Gut and stuff snake. Mount over bar. Name pub 'The Snake Pit'.

Special Boat Service:
Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites marines and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film based on story in which US Navy SEALS kill religious extremist snakes.

Royal Signals:
Broadcasts 200,000+ watt HF transmissions in support of Army anti-snake mission. Snake falls asleep on HF aerial and is electrocuted in the process.

RAF Tactical Communications Wing:
Sets up mobile SATCOM ground station in support of RAF anti-snake missions, Snake falls asleep on the front of the dish and is slowly cooked.

Army Catering Corps:
Snake sneaks in JRM and dies of food poisoning.

Forward Air Controllers:
Guides snake elsewhere.

RAF VC-10/C-130/C-17 Transport Squadron:
Receives anti-snake equipment for delivery to OOA operation. Delivers two weeks after required date due to technical snag on aircraft, getting ****ed on Cyprus (AKA Crew rest) and no diplomatic clearance to enter host nation airspace.

Royal Air Force Police:
RAF Policeman declines to detain the Snake and the Snake declines to bite the policeman. Both cite grounds of professional courtesy.

Royal Military Police:
Wait for somebody else to capture snake, beat up snake, and deny responsibility.

MOD Police:
Gave snake a breathalyser test for not moving in a straight line.

US Armed Forces Reactions to Snake Threat

US Army:
Flies troops to scene of snake threat (foreign country). Flies support staff to scene of snake threats.
Builds equivalent of small American town out of camouflaged netting and green canvas; includes hospitals, canteens, dry-cleaning facilities, gym, manicurists and health spa. Lay siege to snake
Snake sets fire to itself and dies. Declared an American victory for the free world by American President (participation of other nations grudgingly acknowledged along lines of 'with a supporting cast of') Ticker-tape parades for homecoming troops. Snake Day declared annual national holiday; becomes traditional to eat roast snake 'with all the trimmings'.

US Field Artillery
Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three forward Artillery Brigades in support.
Kills several hundred cattle as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

US Navy (Surface fleet):
Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships. Kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

USAF F-15C Squadron:
Misidentifies snake as Iraqi Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with AMRAAM and Sidewinder missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

USAF 501 Bomb Wing (B-2 Stealth Bomber):
Receives GPS co-ordinates of snake from CIA, Flies over target area and drops two JDAMS bombs. Gets direct hit on Chinese Embassy. CIA claims that snake was known to be there six months ago and that it was unknown that the snake had given the building to the Chinese. USAF claims that purchasing more multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing stealth aircraft will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

USAF 8th Air force B-52 Bomber Wing:
Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of snake.

USAF 8th Air force B1-B Bomber Wing:
Just itching to engage snake. Aircraft down due to maintenance and lack of spares.

USAF AC-130 crew:
Acquires Snake on targeting systems. Snake sees gunship and darts for the nearest building. AC-130 blows the snake and the building (plus the wedding party inside) to smithereens. Crew returns to base and paints nose art on craft....'Fangs for the Memories'.

USAF A-10 Squadron:
Startles snake by flying underneath it, the squadron then pops up, misidentifies the target, fires Maverick missiles and kill a USMC LAV-25 and Two British Warrior I.F.V.’s

USAF F-117 Nighthawk Wing:
Penetrates snake's airspace without showing up on snake's radar. Snake contacts French mate at NATO HQ, who tells snake aircraft’s route and time on target. Snake finds roost of starlings and bites one at key moment. Startled starlings fly up and into a F-117. Multiple bird strikes force the pilot to eject. Snake finds and bites pilot.

Air National Guard F-16 pilot:
Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Canadian Snake eaters hunting same Snake. Claims during court marshal ‘Go pills’ are the cause of the misidentification of target. Court Marshal results in trip to Leavenworth for 20 years.

USAF F-16 Crew Chief:
Wonders why snake is hiding in F-16, kills snake with ball peen hammer from tool kit and writes report. Gets letter of commendation for killing snake. Crew Chief goes home confused, and has a beer. Crewman paints snake kill on toolbox.

US Navy F-14 Pilot:
Drapes snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.

US Marine Corps:
Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs and prostitutes. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

US Marine Reconnaissance:
Follows snake, gets lost.

US Navy SEABEE:
Adopts snake as Battalion Mascot. Constructs snake breeding farm to develop local industry for export. Alpha Company EOC awarded Nobel Prize for Chemistry for development of renewable non-polluting gasoline from shed snakeskin, and gives money prize to local orphanage.

US Navy Corpsman:
Goes in to clean up carnage. Sees snake. Makes sure no one is looking before drawing .45 and shooting snake. Tries not to look too conspicuous while stuffing snake corpse under rock. Goes and has a few beers. Gets drunk and brags to Chief about shooting snake. Gets hauled in to Captain’s Mast and gets busted down to E-3. Again.

US Navy sailor (Shore Leave):
Sees snake draped over the shoulders of stripper. Orders another beer, buys drink for stripper.

US Army Corps of Engineers:
Issues permit to dredge, fill, dam, and pave over entire continent containing snake, citing justification of protecting civilian contractor from the dangers of snakebite. Collects immense kickback from contractor. During construction, snake bites contractor.

US Army Patriot missile crew:
Observes snake drop dead and fall out of tree. Launches missile at snake and claims a kill. Research later shows intercept not successful as snake was travelling faster that fragments from missile warhead detonation.

JAG (All).
Takes early retirement, opens law office with snake as partner

US Army Ordnance:
Wreckage of snake retrieved from battlefield. Portions of snake sent to Redstone, Aberdeen, Eustace and Watervliet for assessment. Prototype of new snake produced by Hughes in partnership with General Electric. Test models assigned to Forts Bragg, Sill, Hood and Wainright for troop trials. Result is best snake on inventory anywhere. Congress kills project.

US Marines (Camp X-ray):
Give snakes to detainees for use as turban.

US Army Public Affairs:
Produces photographic essay and feature story about elite snake hunting unit in action, submits them to Army Times, and they're bumped so that a story and snapshot of some four-star's daughter coming in third in a tennis tournament can be run...

USAF Press Officer:
Officially denies existence of snake. Declares snake to be merely ground fog. Fires up bong and listens to Jimmy Hendrix tapes.

USAAMRIID:
Arrives on the scene in moon suits and quarantines everyone who has been in contact with snake. Catches snake and breeds ten quadrillion more to "develop defences against" herpetological weapons.

Army Special Operations Aviation (160th) Regiment:
Petitions US SOCOM for new anti-snake version of the Blackhawk (probably call it the MH-60X) with a total program cost of $1.7 Billion (FY 00 dollars). The new simulator for the MH-60X will cost $35 Million (FY 00 dollars), but will be obsolete by the time initial production versions of the MH-60X arrive. Time line will slip by several years due to development problems. Snakes will be extinct by the time the aircraft is delivered in number.

US Army OH-58D Pilot:
OH-58D Pilot sees snake. Snake sees OH-58D. Snake runs away and leaves OH-58D in the dust. OH-58D Pilot declares no joy.

US Army CH-47D Pilot:
Would pick snake up, but aircraft is already filled with golf cart, hot tub, three weeks of food stuff for the crew, "girlfriends" from the cross-country flight destination, and more parts for those poor Apache "pilots".

US Armed Forces Recruiter:
Gets snakes name, contact info, phone, GPA, ASVAB, SAT, mother’s maiden name, and shoe size. Proceeds to tell the snake how wonderful the military is, the travel, the careers, the wonderful lifestyle, and the college benefices. The recruiter then starts talking about the challenge and social aspects but discovers the avalanche of bull**** has crushed the snake.

US Army Psyops:
Snake? Snake? You call that thing a Snake? Then proceeds to break out speakers, spray paint, and paper machete and builds a reproduction loch ness monster to terrorize the locals with.

USAF Public Affairs:
Snake? SNAKE? SNAKE!! AHhhhh, Runs away and spends the next three months in a psych ward. Meets attractive young nurse in ward, shows off journalistic talent, gets married and writes a book about experience.

US Army Civil Affairs:
Convinces locals to help find, capture, and cook the snake. As lots of fun as the "Snake Roast".

US Navy Fast Attack Submarine:
Lock on a Mark-48 torpedo and fire it at the snake (Ala Pink Submarine movie, torpedo going up the beach and hitting truck) But, snake slithers into the weeds. Captain says "Darn, I missed that snake in the grass!"

US Army Military Police:
Arrests half dozen infantrymen who decided to harass local snakes without orders.

US Air Force Wing Commander:
Looks ahead carefully, decide that snake is no-where near the green and reaches for his 4 iron.

Other Armed Forces Reactions to Snake Threat

Mossad:
Accuses snake of supporting suicide bomber snakes. Kill snake quickly, quietly and with minimum of fuss. So quietly in fact that world doesn't even notice.

Russian Army (Communist Era):
The Red Army sets off with lots of formation marching and parading of military hardware to defend the motherland. It returns with lots of formation marching and parading of military hardware from defending the motherland. Years of official denials following rumour that army did not actually find and kill snake. Meanwhile, snake has been killed and eaten by illiterate rural peasant family unaware that country was at war.

Iraq:
Tells the snake that it will face the Mother of All Snakes and then gets soundly beaten by the snake. Announce annual national holiday to mark stunning victory over the snake. Gadaffi claims to have evidence that the snake was in fact a chicken and that chicken accidentally detonated itself!

French Forces:
Hear rumour of snake invasion and surrender. Resistance compiles cookbook of snake recipes.


French Army:
Surrenders to snake after being awed by its ability to crawl on it's belly and not cower at the same time. Snake replaces Jerry Lewis in popular French mythology.

Italian Forces:
Found face down, unconscious, with snakebite on bum.

Italian Forces (2) :
Drive snake round Naples for an hour. Ensuing heart attack (from pure fear) kills snake.

Hollywood Version of Armed Forces Reactions to Snake Threat

Real Story:
British Royal Navy captures snake after a brilliant plan is thought up.
They return the snake to England and it plays a major part in winning the war.

Hollywood Version:
Spielberg makes a film version where US Navy captures snake after a brilliant plan is thought up.
American forces portrayed as managing to destroy most of the snake’s navy in the process.
They return the snake to America that helps win the war.

"Serpent Private Python", a war-herpetology film is a box-office smash hit and "Snake 571" with legless reptiles capturing a Nazi snake decoding machine).

US Law Enforcement Reactions to Snake Threat

US Coast Guard (USCG) 1:
Chases snake. Fires shot across snake's bow. Boards snake and detain it. Sends it to foreign snake impoundment camp at Guantanamo Bay.

US Coast Guard (USCG) 2:
Lookout spies sea snake, fires a round over its bow. Sea snake rams cutter sinking it. Crewmen walk to shore.

FBI (1):
Offered the snake immunity, put it into Witness Protection, and it's testifying before the Grand Jury next week.

FBI (2):
Attempts to get inside the snake's inner circle. Once inside works tirelessly to assist the snake in all his operations, warns snake of local LEO investigations. Snake goes on the lamb, FBI agent gets job in pet shop cleaning snake cages.

CIA:
After searching the forest, are as yet unable to find signs of snake activity. Project Snakefinder will improve serpent-location ability at a cost of only $7.9 billion dollars, provided CIA can place snake-trackers on every phone line in the US.

CIA (2) - The Area 52 Scenario:
Existence of snake denied. There is no, nor has there ever been, any snake. Latest USAF stealth jet closely resembles witnesses’ descriptions of snake.

CIA (3):
Sent to theatre to covertly take photos of snake....returns with picture of box tortoise...makes action plan based on this 'intelligence'.

BATF (1).
Surrounds the forest where the snake lives and set fire to it, killing all the snakes.
Claims the snakes started the fire.

BATF (2):
Sniper kills everything but the snake and then burns down forest.

LAPD (1):
Cue video of four officers dragging a badly beaten woodchuck out of the forest. The woodchuck's mumbling, "I confess, I admit it, I'm a snake..."

LAPD (2):
Calls press conference announcing they have apprehended snake. Presents badly beaten iguana, who makes confession to being snake. Iguana later recants and sues, winning millions of dollars in an out of court settlement. LAPD vows to find the real snake.

Civilian Reactions to Snake Threat

UK Foreign Office:
Decides that the snake is a poor foreign minority.
Agrees to supply it with free army surplus boots and surplus army equipment.
Snake declares war on its benefactor.

Campaign Groups:
The snake is adopted as a symbol of something-or-other by both the pro-snake and anti-snake factions.
After bickering, slander, libel and assaults on both sides, one party wins large sums in damages from the other party.
Both parties declare it a moral victory.

Missionaries:
Ask snake if it ever thinks about god.
Attempt to convert snake to particular faith.
Dies of snake bite and declared a martyr and saint by the leader of their faith.

Major British Defence Contractor:
Identifies potential market for snake detection and 'defence' system.
Develops system using Government Funding.
Government gives system to the US.

Petrol Pump Attendants:
Catch snake, introduce free snake with every full tank promotion.

Politicians Reactions to Snake Threat

US Secretary of Defence:
Takes great pains to explain to the press that we have disrupted the snake, limited it's theatre of ops, as well as the need to think 'outside the box' in the future when dealing with snakes.

US Secretary of State:
Attempts to build a 'coalition' to deal with snake. Is befuddled when snake won't leave of it's own accord when faced with 'international pressure'. Encourages alliance with other snakes to replace current snake.

British prime minister:
Makes round-the-world trip denouncing snake and supporting American efforts to get snake. When Americans catch snake, protests that snake is being treated inhumanely and makes demands to inspect it. Simultaneously disarms British public so they can't shoot other snakes. British public dies in massive epidemic of snakebite.

US President:
Announces that the government of the country in which the snake resides is harbouring a terrorist snake. Calls the country part of the "Evil Axis". Turns country into a glass parking lot.
 

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Beach-bum-Blonde Mafia ;o)
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:d

:D
 

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PADI Internet Specialty Diver
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GUE:
What kind of stroke dives with a freekin snake, jeez when JJ and me were 3 miles back in Wonbaduna springs we breathed a freekin snake instead of our 14/37.2

BSAC:
We think that the use of snakes is personal preference and while they are not expressedly forbiden they are less desirable than a faded commando. BSAC does not teach the use of snakes.

PADI:
A new "Snake Speciality Diver" rating has been introduced. (This counts towards the PADI Master Scub Diver rating, the highest rating in recreational diving. Contact your local PADI center for more details of how to pay for this and other exciting snake related activities. Remember snakes are fun)

NAUI:
The new reduced snake bubble model tables are availble in fall 2007

FFESSM:
Serpent gratiné à l’ail au beurre noir avec pommes a le miel de montagne.

TDI:
The extended snake and decompression procedures course is currently being updated. Please see our website for more error 404 messages.

YMCA:
All God's creatures should be allowed to dive.

SAA:
What's a snake?

CMAS:
Following a committee meeting on 3-2-2007 it has been duly agreed that the use of snakes in uderwater activities and associated sports and co-current leisure based non potash will henceforth be as a large dog with small paws. Unterwasser as she bees with a small hedgehog so they are. Tiger poo.
(translated by Google)

Chris
 
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Close to one of the funniest things I have ever seen... thanks...

B x

ps.... oh go on then, have a green.. lol
 

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YDs Most Southerly Monkey
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Mortar Platoon, 12/40 Bn Royal Tasmania Regt:

Belts snake with long handled shovel and resumes poker school.
 

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aka Chimp 1 or Mavis...
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Exercise Purple Star, Florida Swamps on E&E, C-130 Crew

Captain catching a few zeds after running from the baddies overnight. Air engineer slowly pulls machete out of the bergen and cuts the head off the snake inches from the captains head! Rest of crew giggle away as Captain wakes and wonders wtf a decapitated snake is doing inches from his head!
 

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Should read:

Royal Marines: Get naked with snake, make it wear women's underwear and beat it to death with sleeping mats.

Royal Navy: Get navigationally embarrased whilst trying to locate snake, so surrender and on return home sell story about how the snake pinched their Ipods and made them 'blub like babies'.
 

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More yokel than local moi luvver
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Royal Air Force: Receive call about snake on a Friday at 18:00, Pick up message from answer machine about snake on Monday 08:00, Run Lean event on most cost effective way of tackling snake, decide to layoff all snake specialists in RAF, bill RAF millions, send LAC out with broom to tackle snake, snake dead of old age.

Dave
 
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aka Chimp 1 or Mavis...
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10,108 Posts
Royal Air Force: Receive call about snake on a Friday at 18:00, Pick up message from answer machine about snake on Monday 08:00, Run Lean event on most cost effective way of tackling snake, decide to layoff all snake specialists in RAF, bill RAF millions, send LAC out with broom to tackle snake, snake dead of old age.

Dave
Is someone bitter and twisted? Oh, you too? :) Well, that would be why I am leaving in less than 2 yrs time then :D
 

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More yokel than local moi luvver
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Is someone bitter and twisted? Oh, you too? :) Well, that would be why I am leaving in less than 2 yrs time then :D
2 years, 2 years, try 15 working days plus 2 days clearing.:teeth:
Bitter, no just waiting for the metaphorical snake to bite them in the arse, and realize their mistake.

Dave
 

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Myth Buster
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510 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Rocks are getting £11k to stay in....:angry:
 

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aka Chimp 1 or Mavis...
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Rocks are getting £11k to stay in....:angry:
That's because they are realising that spending 9-10 months out of 12 out of the country in a sandpit is a cr*p idea and they are leaving. I think that 11k is a bonus to stay in 5yrs and is before tax; this would equate to approx £1.4k per year after tax or just over £100 per month in their pockets. Not that great a bonus to be spending that amount of time out of the country!

Some of the pilots (RN and RAF Sqn Ldrs) have been offered between £50k and £100k before tax to stay in for 5 yrs and they are still leaving. People have had enough of the lack of leadership, both at a very senior officer level and political level, and are voting with their feet. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on which side of the fence you are on), the airlines are undertaking a large recruiting campaign and the MoD cannot keep up with their salaries. They have to change the lifestyle which they won't because that costs money!

Funny enough when the last lot of retention initiaitves were introduced, the senior Army bods didn't think there was a retention problem within then AAC and therefore they didn't argue for a pot of money to keep their guys in. If they had, they would have shown their superiors the problems which they are encountering.

However, the bottom line is that there is not enough money to go around to pay for more staff or equipment and the spiral is getting tighter. :(
 
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