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NULLI-SECUNDUS
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
An earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early
hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon.


Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaakinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of
damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from Majorca and the
Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt
out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros
arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon.


One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my
bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept
through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching
Trisha the next morning."


Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue
workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing
parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or
Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits
(female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually
sold in Primark.


Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice
cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in
the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and
blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm
the nerves of those
affected.

***Breaking news*** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered
in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "
ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they
won't be able to read it anyway.
 
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